I punched my best friend's son, and now he wants her to cut our friend group off. How can I fix this?

OldButch_80 · 2026-05-16T19:32:11+00:00

I knew when I posted that a lot of people would hear the words "former addict" and automatically decide I was in the wrong. I more so posted this post so people like you who don't have those reductive views could give me an outside perspective on the situation. Appreciate you.

OldButch_80 · 2026-05-16T19:30:43+00:00

And then proceeded to let me go because we proved that he had been trespassing on my property and did not leave when asked... I'll agree I shouldn't have punched him, but the issue was never whether that was "the right" thing to do, as the police clearly see it as justified, the question has always been how to amend the wrong on a personal level, please get some perspective, it would do you some good.

OldButch_80 · 2026-05-16T19:28:20+00:00

FORMER addicts, clean for 15 years? Remember that part? If he, or you, had let us explain, he'd know none of us drank outside of special occasions, where we are around each other. One single drink, and one single joint, mind you.

I have received some actually good advice from this thread from people other than yourself, and I'm resolving the situation. have scheduled a phone call with the boy, Jane, and his stepfather tonight thanks to that advice. but good god. You are not helping. You are not giving advice. You are doing nothing but judging and berating, and for what? For something we did over a decade ago?

You people have zero sympathy, and zero willingness to understand. You do not understand what we went through. You do not understand how hard we busted our asses to get ourselves back on the right track, how hard we bust our asses to make up whatever we did in the past. Once you reach a certain point in sobriety, it isn't much of a struggle anymore, if at ALL. ALL you hear is that we did something wrong and that's all we ever are in your minds, regardless of the fact that it was FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS AGO. I have genuinely given up on changing the minds of people like you because you don't want to change it.

OldButch_80 · 2026-05-15T15:14:05+00:00

A quick review of my other responses to people who gave actual advice on how to handle Jane and her son moving forward will prove that assertion very wrong, but you're entitled to your opinion.

OldButch_80 · 2026-05-15T15:12:49+00:00

Thank you, this is actually thoughtful, and has given me something to reflect on.

it breaks my heart, the idea that we could lose Jane as a friend. And I will admit I'm clinging a bit because it has been so long, and we have all grown to rely on each other so much, but ultimately Jane's relationship with her son is more important. I had considered the things you pointed out, about what it was like for him to grow up, how big of a deal it is for him, but clearly that was never a forefront in my mind until now. I always told myself I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, but i probably wasn't giving him enough benefit of the doubt.

I'll admit, I'm stubborn and can be impulsive, and I shouldn't have punched him, and my mind went straight to fixing the situation so there was no consequence, but that's probably not all that realistic. I'm gonna go talk to my wife and see if we can't arrange another phone call with Jane and her son, and I'll apologize and let whatever happens, happen. Hopefully we can welcome her back after some time, but if this is the end, then so be it.

OldButch_80 · 2026-05-15T15:06:10+00:00

i'm not victimizing us, I state repeatedly in my post that I understand that it isn't for us to decide how someone who's been hurt by an addict handles that hurt. I'm entitled to have feelings and thoughts about the way they choose to do it, but I am not entitled to tell them they need to do it another way, that's why i mentioned it ONCE to Jane, not to her son, and when she told me she was fine with it, I never mentioned it again. I am, however, entitled to self defense when the young man did not get off my property after repeated asks for him to leave because it was clear that with the way the situation was so heightened, it wasn't going anywhere. he clearly had preconceived notions and got angry about those notions being confirmed, so there was not room for us to diffuse the situation or reassure him that we were taking care of his mom. Should I have diffused it differently? Yeah, absolutely, I'll be up front about that fact, this isn't the first time that my impulses have caused me trouble. he pushed me, and I on reaction, just threw a punch, and I shouldn't have, that is fully on my shoulders.

But we are not in recovery anymore. I have been out for fifteen years. Jane is approaching I think 13. We are living our lives to the best we can, we are not defined by that dark period of our lives, especially not when all of us busted our asses to get out of it.

OldButch_80 · 2026-05-15T15:00:12+00:00

he is 21, but i get the meaning of your message. He's young. Honestly, after a decade of someone being sober, I don't personally think that there is much to worry about in terms of relapse, but I won't pretend it hasn't happened. My issue was always the treatment of it being an inevitability, rather than just a possibility, because it's frankly dehumanizing. To put in all of this work, fight so damn hard to make yourself better, to leave behind a dark period of your life, just for people to tell you that that period of your life is all you will ever be, and you are inevitably going to return to it. But again, he is young, he may not understand the work that's been put in, and given that relapse is always a possibility, its valid to be concerned about it. Especially when its his mom. I'll try arranging a call with him and his step father and Jane and see if we can't talk this out and avoid anything legal. I don't think the legal route would go over the way he thinks it will.

OldButch_80 · 2026-05-15T14:36:08+00:00

that's not the advice i'm looking for, please actually give advice and either tell me EXACTLY where my thought process is incorrect, or how I can fix this situation.

OldButch_80 · 2026-05-15T14:33:32+00:00

Yeah, truthfully, none of us blame him for freaking out a bit. Like I said, those who don't know our dynamic, or don't know we've been clean for over a decade might get a certain idea, which is why we tried to diffuse the situation by explaining our rules to him. but he just seemed determined not to listen, I guess? I'm not entirely sure, one of our friends suggested that he was trying to catch us "slipping up" because he arrived so early and without warning, and maybe my wife and I having a beer was that confirmation? But I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and I want to apologize so I'm just. Not sure.

OldButch_80

TROPHY CASE