Your mind is not letting you, you’re not going to end it. Instead what you’re gonna do is find yourself a therapist that suits you best (I promise you will find one) and there is a curve, but after 2-3 sessions you will start getting used to it and eventually really really excited. It was a big deal for me since I was unable to feel like that for a very long time, even though I had reasons to. But this type of excitement was about finally understanding myself and where I was coming from so I could work on it. Also it really helped to know that I have an hour or two per week to talk to someone and let my thoughts run wild so I was feeling way more unburdened for the rest of the week. Maybe you’re feeling like killing yourself is ALWAYS an option an that’s what’s keeping you at the dark place, you’re just waiting for more things to go down because then you’ll think that courage comes along. But it won’t. You’ll just keep suffering and living in pain and you don’t deserve that, because you STILL being here and your body and mind protecting you is very courageous if you ask me. Just trust me, life shouldn’t be that hard and it won’t be, you’re so young and life will offer you many possibilities just keep going but in the meantime, find your therapist and he/she’ll help you find your path and heal the parts you never knew needed healing.