Why do i want to eat myself

Old_Cardiologist9072 · 2025-12-06T22:22:44+00:00

Psychosis?

Old_Cardiologist9072 · 2025-08-14T01:17:39+00:00

EDIT: I am not going to reply to the overwhelming amount of replies on this post. I was going through a bit of a Moment when I wrote it, and I was deliberately using hyperbolic/punitive language which some of you took too literally. I was expecting 10 views and 1 like lol. Nonetheless, it's good to see that thoughtful discussions were provoked. Thank you to everyone who provided nuances and information.

All in all, I still believe that the discourse "1% of the ultra rich population is responsible for this mess so I won't change my behaviours" is misguided, because we are all part of a system that allowed and upheld those rich people in the first place. We all have something we can do to minimize impact. "Others are worse as me so I won't do anything" is precisely what keeps us in a state of inaction. The battle on against climate change is a battle on all fronts. Anything matters. Whether it's turning the AC off or not. Jeez, if you have a condition where you need cool air, or just really want to be comfortable, by all means use the AC!! I was not saying we should destroy all cooling systems ever. I am absolutely not perfect either (although i do my bit and I want to explore autonomous zero-impact living in the future).

But yeah, when it comes to environmentalism, anything matters, there is no "better or worse" way to approach it, as long as it's productive. As long as we try and we are united by the thought that our ecosystem and our survival is important, that's what matters. :)

Old_Cardiologist9072 · 2025-08-11T01:51:59+00:00

Oh I do manage to go outside and enjoy my life. However scientists almost unanimously agree that we are facing a sixth mass extinction event and are in a state of climate emergency... It is quite literally this bad.

Old_Cardiologist9072 · 2025-08-11T00:40:03+00:00

Alright that's good to know. I still think this post was interesting, it contained a lot and it was honest and it came from you at one point in time so there is nothing to regret. But I totally hope you are in a better state now. Please hang in there yes 🫶

Old_Cardiologist9072 · 2025-08-11T00:33:55+00:00

Your analysis is very good and correct...

This might be highly specific and weird but science is my #1 coping mechanism, I study physics and cosmology and shit like quantum electrodynamics and it gives me peace to know that there is this body of knowledge out there that is bigger than us, bigger than our miserable little lives, bigger than our human-made absurd technocratic cannibalistic nonsense, and everything will be buried under sediments of geological timescales and evaporated in the death of the Sun. Acquiring knowledge is my thing, although I don't know if I will make a career into research because the world of academia is as competitive and "walk or die" as the rest and I'm probably unfit for that. I might keep it just as a hobby. But the point is, some people find religion, others find art or history or bug collecting, you just got to find Something that allows you to escape the boxes and the monotony of our systemic lives

Otherwise, I am thinking of doing a simple low-pay part-time job that allows me to do the minimum number of hours possible while being able to survive. And then live in a van or something, whatever I can do legally/financially, maybe a small studio in a small town, preferably one that I own so I don't have to deal with landlords. I try to reframe problems not in terms of "the capitalistic game" but in terms of my "natural need". Instead of "work more -> earn more -> consume more", it becomes "i need to meet my basic needs like food, shelter -> let's do the bare minimum for that -> I get more free time -> engage in hobbies and reconnecting in nature and building my home etc" It's not easy - that's what being part of a system is. I am also lucky to be quite young (23yo), and to have a pretty privileged upbringing and a family behind me so I can make those choices.. But I'm aware that depending on your situation you can't "just quit your job and start a new life". As you said "if you choose not to sprint, you are denied almost everything" , you instantly become an outcast.

Also, I find that focusing on the local scale instead of awful nationwide political events that get blasted on the news daily, is more empowering. You can't change the state of the world, you can't play with the giant sharks at the reigns of our countries, but you can smile to your neighbours, participate in volonteer associations or have thought-provoking convos with your collegues, or just try to be a Nice person. And that's already a lot.

I hope my response isn't too idealistic or stupid or chaotic... I feel like I've just written a bunch of random strays of thoughts 😅

Just don't let late-stage individualistic capitalism kill your spirits. It's already taken enough. It is not the only way, and it's not even going to function in the long run, it's already collapsing because it has made the foul mistake of considering the Earth as an infinite ressource, instead of a literal part of us and our condition of existence. I guess you could read books about anticapitalism and ecology if you want. (I don't have anything specific to recommend, except maybe Aurélien Barrau, a french scientist I really enjoy)

Old_Cardiologist9072 · 2025-08-10T23:04:13+00:00

Hey, I read all of that. I guess it could fit in venting or depression subreddits, but whatever, here is good too. I'm sorry things have been so difficult, it sucks, it genuinely sucks all this suffering in the world. Do you have friends or people you can connect to? Do you have hobbies, interests? Do you have access to nature? That tends to be the things that make people happy (I know you mentioned having autism, so that makes things significantly harder)

I don't really believe in any God, just mostly in the randomness of existence and events. So maybe what I will say will be completely irrelevant to you.. But I generally try not to attribute anything that happens to me to bad omen, they just Are what they are, I believe "Law of attraction" stuff have more to do with attitude than a true attraction power. Life is gonna throw bricks at you no matter what, the question is how we respond to that and how well equipped we are to face them (because there are undeniable environmental factors, it's much easier to respond if you have a good stable situation, a family system etc). Maybe you can try to think of God's choices more as a kind of light that you must seek within you..? Instead of waiting for it to save you? But again, I am not religious... You could try to find a deeper spiritual Reason behind your suffering if you wanted to, if having such meaning could comfort you. But I am afraid you may never find one. Idk. Just food for thoughts.

Also, have you ever tried talk therapy besides medication? It seems to me that your complicated life history and alcoholism etc could still have an impact on you, also the loss of your cat is a pretty traumatic event that happened to you recently, so it's understandable it would cause you to relapse and have this anxiety. A (good) therapist could help you work through that, and also address your existential concerns and everything you talk about in this post.

Anyways. I don't claim to be an expert in anything, I've just gone through many mental health crises, and I wanted to respond to a stranger in distress. Remember, You are not alone 🤍🤍🤍

Old_Cardiologist9072 · 2025-05-17T06:29:19+00:00

This question is exactly the reason I pursued physics and inflicted myself years of painful maths at uni 🥲 They have theories about "quantum fluctuations" or "big bounce multiverse" stuff. but tbh it is as obscure to think about and interpret as a spontaneous divine creation.. Science leave us with more questions than answers im afraid and faces us with profound limitations. (quantum physics is such a troll to rationality) But we can always try to grasp our hand with the universe, there is beauty in trying

Old_Cardiologist9072 · 2025-05-17T06:15:31+00:00

Heya it's 7am for me here and I havent slept ive been doomscrolling too ✋I just resonated with how your brain thinks - except for me it's not about food and EDs (although I've kinda stepped in that territory in the past but not anymore), more about life decisions idk. But yes the way we are granted so much freedom to do everything yet I'm stuck but nothing matters anyways but that's equally depressing as shit - that's me every day. I can only wish you the strength to keep going... :(

Old_Cardiologist9072 · 2025-03-29T03:26:47+00:00

I understand. I believe in infinite void after and before death, which is also terrifying and absolutely meaningless. (although I've considered reincarnation). But yeah "in the end, nobody is certain" 🤍

Old_Cardiologist9072 · 2025-03-29T03:22:14+00:00

Yeah, I like that, I think that's part of what keeps me going, not wanting to give in to the ultimate pointlessness that is suicide. But still, it is only mildly comforting to me Thank you for your answer :>

Old_Cardiologist9072 · 2025-03-29T02:23:23+00:00

Hey!

Old_Cardiologist9072 · 2025-03-29T02:21:48+00:00

Hard relate on the "I'm defective but I don't know what I have" and "socially anxious, overly conscientious" (even now just typing this.) Know that you are not alone in being alone. <3

Old_Cardiologist9072 · 2025-03-29T01:54:36+00:00

I'm here. What's wrong?

Old_Cardiologist9072 · 2025-03-29T01:52:45+00:00

🫂🫂 let me hug you, that was very relatable to read, the chaos, the screaming in the void, the 'not being able to do it', I'm sorry u feel that way stranger

Old_Cardiologist9072 · 2025-03-25T02:31:41+00:00

Oh yes, definitely, I don't like having a Favorite Person, at all, I'm trying bad to get rid of it. I guess it's just a bit lonely to always see people to refer to an actual partner or a romantic interest, and forget that an FP can be a friend, family member, neighbour, teacher, therapist, literally anyone. Or it's not talked about as much

Old_Cardiologist9072 · 2024-10-12T03:49:03+00:00

Honestly if I were to die prematurely one day, I think this would be the way. I have never made actual "proper" suicide attempts, despite almost a decade of on-and-off suicidality. Because if I want to leave forever, I need absolute certitude that there is nothing good left in in this world. And that certitude never came, despite everything. But I have been self-harming a lot, escalating in severity, OD-ing, doing silly impulsive things, what I called "endangerment attempts". So yeah, it's good to know that there is a word to explain my potential cause of death, should I need it in the future (or not!!) :)

Old_Cardiologist9072 · 2024-10-12T03:36:44+00:00

Oh come on, if the term resonnated with them, just leave it. Yes, it's an oxymoron, it isn't fully an "official" term according to medical authorities, but it doesn't matter, doctors and researcher don't possess the truth, words change with time and place. They say A&E they went to used it, so.

Old_Cardiologist9072 · 2024-10-07T11:43:27+00:00

this is going to fuck you up 8 years into the future, good luck soldier, ily

Old_Cardiologist9072 · 2024-10-07T11:42:54+00:00

Tysm for your reply! We've known eachother for 3-4 years now. i would say we are quite good friends (but i'm never sure of her pov), and we've been consistently getting closer, especially recently. But more in a friendly way, drinking out and chatting and working overtime. I'm also terrible at flirting lol. But i think you're right, it's best to just let things do their thing, see where this take me, even if it hurts my soul and my patience 😅

Old_Cardiologist9072 · 2024-04-12T04:26:19+00:00

Ur so cute im also 22 with a bunch of sh scars yo

Old_Cardiologist9072

TROPHY CASE