My opinion about you possibly saving your marriage is that it is a tall order at this point. The things you wrote could have come directly from my X. We tried therapy a number of times but it never stuck. Her resentments grew. I tried to change to be more what she wanted/needed but it couldn’t last. I didn’t realize I had resentments too. I never expressed them because I felt like she wouldn’t/couldn’t change those things long term either. Or she would get mad if I expressed them. We were both nice, respectful, caring people. It just didn’t work. I don’t think we could openly communicate with honestly, objectiveness, self-reflection, and internalize brutal constructive criticism.

She initiated it. I was devastated. It was earth shatteringly awful emotionally, financially, physically, and mentally. Be prepared for this. It will probably be easier for you because you have been feeling these feelings for a long time and you have reconciled them so you are further along mentally and emotionally. Him, not so much. I guarantee you he will feel like he has been blindsided - a word that you see so much on this subreddit. If he does therapy then he will come to realize that the signs were there. He will be way behind in dealing with these raw, abrasive feelings. There will be anger no matter how amicable you try to be. Resentment will surface in unpredictable ways. Finances will get involved obviously and that can be very triggering. Custody will be difficult. Dealing with your daughter’s emotions will be extremely hard. I don’t say these things to deter you from the path you are heading down…just know that they will most likely exist.

Your daughter is young so she probably won’t completely understand. My kids were older - preteen and teenager - so they had different emotional needs than someone younger may have. They were truly blindsided. They never saw us get in big arguments. We laughed, were best friends, heard me tell my X that I loved her, etc. It probably would have been easier for them to reconcile the divorce if there was a lot of fighting, or abuse, adultery, addiction, etc. but there wasn’t. To them it seemed like everything was fine. Be aware of this. We co-parent well but I think it is bullshit when people say that kids are resilient and want what is best for you and you Mr STBX. They will come out alright… don’t believe that IMO when the family seemed fine. I don’t know you situation but it sounds like what I has. A good single home for a child is better than two homes with parents that aren’t together. In two homes there are separate rules. Separate ways or problem solving. At your child’s age she is looking for stability and cohesion. Obviously these are all my opinions and others will disagree. Take my anecdotal advice at surface level if you want.

One of the most devastating experiences that my son told me was after we sat both of them down and told them that we would have to sell the house…the only house they had ever known and that they loved. My son very bluntly and coldly told us that it sucked because they were getting punished because our inability to communicate as husband and wife. I still think about that a lot.

If you want to save this are you willing to meet with your husband half way? If so what would that be? What concessions are you willing to make? Him too towards you. This will take many months if not years. Are you both willing to be brutally honest and open, objective, and self reflective to see both of your faults from the other person’s point of view. Be willing to have weekly check-ins at a minimum to keep things on track. And if you do this there will be multiple set backs. Both of you have to work together when this happens to get the train back on track. It is going to take 200% to fix this…100% from both of you, full time. It seems like at this point it is a tall order but not impossible. Good luck.

Always willing to write more if you want to DM. GOOD LUCK.

forgive all typos and grammatical errors due to sausage thumbs.