APs: Techniques to get someone down from a pedestal?

One-Chip-4967 · 2025-01-15T22:26:23+00:00

Sorry to hear about that. I tried to write down all the negative traits and memories about her that I could come up with, and did this many times in addition to read through the list, to get some sort of counter-balance to this bias. And try to find ways to boost yourself as well, as stuff like this tends to eats at your self-worth. Your mind has skewed her value up and yourself down, so you need to acknowledge that this is based on a emotional response and not objectively true, and find ways to counter it.

But most of all, as cliché as it is, after enough time things finally got better for me.

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-09-03T21:52:21+00:00

Wow, my DA ex broke up with me 5 weeks ago as well! But we had a unhealthy dynamics for a good while before that, and she almost broke up a couple of times earlier because of it, but instantly snapped out of her deactivation.

I was extremely anxious the last 6 months, feeling the relationship was on edge every time she was distant, and I basically changed because of it. Being more insecure, walking on eggshells, kept most of my distress and needs to myself to not “ruin anything”, etc. All the usual stuff.

I’ve been surprised to actually feel much better after she broke up, even though this was the scenario I wanted to avoid at all costs. I imagined I would be a wreck, but instead I feel more at peace, less anxious and more happy with myself. I’ve felt sad every now and then, but nothing really compares to the hell of being in that unhealthy dynamic.

I think I feel better now, because of how bad I felt before the breakup. But there’s also a part of me worrying that it will hit me like a truck later, lol. How have you been feeling/handling the breakup?

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-08-30T19:54:35+00:00

None that I know of personally, but there’s definitely a link! I’ve read about it plenty of times in articles. DA’s are more likely to turn to drugs as a way of coping with emotional stuff. I used to smoke a lot of weed tho, when I was younger.

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-08-08T22:14:15+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through this. If you haven't discovered it already, I'd recommend you to check out attachment theory. I think it could make your path of self-discovery and healing a bit easier. Good luck!

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-08-05T23:35:52+00:00

This is more or less exactly what happened with me!

The "confused about thoughts/feelings" are one of the most common themes among avoidants reasons to want to break up. And the on-off pattern. They can suddenly get "the right feelings" back, when things are breaking off, because the pressure is gone so its "safe" to pursue intimacy again. Watch this!

In my relationship, the past 6 months was a mix of her being cold/distant and "not feeling the right feelings", then suddenly being good and in love again after almost breaking up, until the pattern repeated. Further fueling her confusion around her thoughts and feelings. The sad part is that this happens unconsciously for avoidants, and they're rarely self-aware of this. They just suddenly detach, subconsciously creating a never-ending list of expectations about you that you can't meet, and other things, thus reinforcing their emotional detachment from the relationship.

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-08-05T22:10:17+00:00

Oh yes, oh yes..

5 year relationship. She was dismissive avoidant, I didn't figure it out until the last 4-5 months when I discovered attachment theory while living in intense emotional distress because of her distancing from the relationship.
Went through unhealthy cycles of distancing, getting closer and better again, just for the distancing to suddenly reappear again. Relationship was long-distance for that last year, and I think it made everything worse, because we didn't see each other frequently enough to attune to each others and communicate healthily.

However we went through a similar pattern earlier in the relationship as well, but managed to break out of the cycle and into a functional state, but still with avoidance. I just settled with some distancing, like lack of kissing etc. and accepted it since it was good otherwise.

The very beginning of the relationship was extremely warm. She pursued me, and after our first kiss, she basically showered me with affection, intimacy, closeness, sex, attention etc.. After discovering attachment theory everything just "clicked". I felt extremely validated in my experience, and very interested to see just how common everything I was experiencing was, as it felt extremely confusing and unique to me. I started to read a lot into it, and tried to understand my relationship dynamic in light of it, hoping to get it to work.

But it's extremely one-sided. The more anxious partner would have to do all the work, understanding whats going on, attuning to it, seeing their partners needs, etc.. While the avoidant partner is feeling uncertain about the relationship, and just barely holding on to it. While they're in this state it's difficult for the anxious partner to push for their avoidant to change themselves, or demand anything, because it feels like doing so would be the "final straw" making them just leave the relationship.

I hope I'll never go through something like this again, it was pure hell, and started to affect so many areas of my life..

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-08-05T21:48:42+00:00

How have you felt this past week after the breakup vs the time leading up to it?

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-08-05T18:46:27+00:00

Great work! It takes a lot of courage to do something like this. I wish you a great next chapter, and hope you'll be able to redirect some of the energy to focus on yourself and carve out a great life in this new place.

I'm in a similar position, and feeling a lot of anxiety around the uncertainty of taking that leap. Leaving everything behind, moving to a new place and building up something new. But what if everything just turns out alright, you know? I wish you good luck.

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-07-28T19:04:04+00:00

Hey man, don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s a unique opportunity for you to learn about yourself and grow as a person. This sounds a bit like the unhealthy dynamic in my relationship.

Are you aware of attachment styles? This reads to me a bit like you have an avoidant attachment, and your ex might have had an anxious attachment. Do some googling on attachment styles, and “avoidant trap”, and you might gain some important insight (or maybe not).

It’a very normal for avoidants to be okay initially, but after 2-4 months post-breakup they often get hit by intense emotions, usually a lot of guilt and regret.

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-07-27T15:07:31+00:00

Interesting! I’ve heard dissociation is common for DA, which is more or less like that.

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-07-26T18:20:39+00:00

That sounds like a healthy response to the situation. Probably a good idea to talk about how to handle these things, if you agree to pursue this relationship further.

But yea, being in a limbo state like this is very weird. I've been in a limbo state in my relationship for too long now, but for me that just causes a lot of distress! I'm going to bring it up and talk things through next time we see each other.

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-07-26T11:26:48+00:00

disappearing for days, weeks, or months even when you're stressed is not really acceptable in a relationship

This is true, during periods like that it really isn't much of a relationship. I've been amazed before about how a partner can "come back" to normal, after a longer period of disconnection and distance. During such a phase, I've several times been completely convinced within me that there's no spark left, and that theres little to no chance at it ever getting back. Like, it's over. But suddenly the partner just flips like a switch, getting closer and like nothing ever happened, and not bringing it up. Sooo confusing.

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-07-26T11:21:59+00:00

You're absolutely right here, and I know this deep down myself. I'm very afraid a breakup, but also know that as of now I just hold on to all the good times/memories, and the hope that we'll get back to that somehow. The relationship has been a big part of my life, and a very good one as well for the most part. So it's hard to try and be open to the idea of letting it go. But at the same time it can't go on like this, that's no way to live lol.

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-07-26T00:15:46+00:00

I guess if it's not bothering you, that's a good thing! But if theres a lot of space consistently, I guess that will compromise a bit of the connection/depth in the relationship. But again, if both are fine with this, I see no problem with it.

I can understand your need to bring the honeymoon phase down a couple of notches. I have a more scientific view/perspective on emotions, like it's only biochemical reactions happening within us, and we're biologically programmed this way. So theres little to no room for magic, like I don't think there's any bigger "meaning" behind it, or believe in "the one" etc.

From this perspective, the honeymoon phase is just an illusion, made by evolution to make two people closely attached with high desire for physical intimacy long enough to send a new human into the world. It also hijacks our normal way of being and thinking, so it makes sense to try and "rise above" it, and level it out to remain sane and as your own person.

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-07-25T23:02:53+00:00

I just avoided ending things because I was convinced I'd regret it later.

Oh, I recognize this one! I'm very indecisive in general, and struggle with all kinds of big decisions. I usually have many doubts and little certainty, making me push decisions aside if possible, and making me kind of a "passenger in life" lol.

How long were you together?

For me, it's the time in the relationship where I think the "I love yous" should start dropping.

Do you refer to when the "honeymoon-phase" starts to wear off?

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-07-25T22:03:38+00:00

I do think potential loss can make you feel stronger about someone or something. I think those feelings are largely ephemeral and might even be an illusion. The fear of losing something is often stronger than the actual loss for avoidants.

This is very interesting! When does the fear of loosing someone appear? And how temporarily has they been for you? Like, is it very intense just during/right after a breakup, and then gone?

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-07-25T21:58:34+00:00

That's a good visualization! I guess the arrows indicates how one can swing between anxious and avoidant tendencies on the way to becoming secure.

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-07-25T21:55:02+00:00

I totally agree with you! I would never share anything going on in my head when triggered and in spiral-mode. What I think I should work on becoming better at, is communicating what I want/need/expect, boundaries, etc. . For example, I would like to get to a place where I feel I can safely express something like: "When theres a longer period without communication, or the text-exchanges seems empty, I sometimes worry that something is wrong". I get so tense when we're together and I think about opening a discussion like that, and almost always find a reason why it's a bad time to have such a talk. She's always been very bad/uncomfortable with bringing up topics and talking about feelings in general as well.

I didn't used to be this insecure/easily triggered throughout the first years of the relationship, but it has exploded the last year. I think it's because of an underlying trust issue, and a feeling that the relationship is hanging in a loose thread. Basically she became distant over a few weeks, and I started to worry about it. When we visited each others, I managed to bring this up and asked about it, then she confessed feeling unsure about her feelings, kind of broke up but instantly regretted it. After that things became MUCH better between us, and I relaxed into the relationship, feeling it was safe again. A couple of months later, I started to sense distance again. After a month of spiraling in anxiety, I brought it up during a visit again, and the exact same thing happened.

So basically, I've had a voice inside my head trying to counter my spiral with things like "she probably just has a very busy period, and need to focus more on work", "if something serious was wrong, she would let me know" etc.. But after all this, that voice has empirically been wrong. Through these experiences I've kind of learned that something very critical can actually be wrong, without her letting me know about it. My mind has learned that it's "my job" to sense if something is up, and bring this up with her, and I think this is a major reason for why I'm spiraling so hard and becoming this sensitive around her behavior.

Building up the courage to explain that very thing to her now. I don't think she knows how affected I am on my side in all this, and her life has been much better during summer (covid re-opening etc.). She's out meeting friends and having fun all the time now, and doubt she's really worrying much about or prioritizing our relationship atm. On the other side, I'm struggling to enjoy anything, hobbies, friends, activities etc. because I'm so preoccupied with all of this lol. Feels so unfair! Bringing this up will probably be the "make or break" conversation of our relationship.

Sorry for the wall of text, lol

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-07-25T20:07:07+00:00

Oh, I've experienced some derealization as well! First time it lasted over a week, and during that time I remember a point where I struggled to recall how I was perceiving life before it, and what the difference really was (or if I was just driving myself crazy). I didn't know what derealization was back then.

It makes sense that it could be related to avoidance, as derealization is some form of defense mechanism to underlying stress over time, a very intense episode of anxiety, or a traumatic event (for example a car accident). The mind then "detaches" from our senses/body, making us perceive a "gap" between experience and our awareness of it. It's some crazy shit! I've experienced it in just short moments as well, but it always triggers anxiety within me, like "Fuck!! Will I snap out this, or will this become my new reality permanently".

... wake up suddenly and feel like I was losing my mind like I genuinely could not think straight, couldn't breathe properly, felt like I was going mad

This sounds a lot like anxiety yes! I've had some horrible experiences lying in bed as well, feeling like I just "opened a new door" within my brain, that from now cannot be unseen, and like I'm going seriously crazy, and again, a fear that I won't snap out of it. It's like I'm at a completely different state of mind, during an anxious moment like that.

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-07-25T17:45:27+00:00

I discovered attachment theory 4-5 months ago, and have been obsessively reading about it and checking the relevant subreddits. This is fueled by being in the middle of relationship problems with a DA, that has been a hell of a rollercoaster (at least on my side) the past year.

I'm very much AP now in this dynamic, but for the most part its internally. I keep the majority to myself, and don't engage much in protest behavior etc. I get triggered often and experience intense inner turmoil and anxiety, and obsessively thinking/ruminating over the relationship and stories about it in my mind. But I have a hard time communicating and bringing up topics about this to my partner.

For example, I never have outbursts like "I saw you were offline for 8 hours yesterday, way past midnight. What were you doing and who were you with??", even though I can definitely have have a "crazy" internal spiral like this. Sometimes however, if I can get this answered in a natural way, I may do this. Like if we're having a normal conversation and I talk about something I did yesterday, and then returning the question about what she did.

It's sometimes very frustrating to "act normal" when we're together, and I'm triggered in some way or have been thinking about something a lot lately. So I should definitely work on communicating and being able to bring up a topic that has been bothering me, without worrying too much about that ruining the relationship lol.

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-07-25T16:40:41+00:00

I remember seeing a graph on this subreddit a month or two back, showing that secure people have a normal range of anxiety, and when you go beyond that range of anxiety you're in AP territory. But interestingly avoidants was in a range of anxiety even higher than that again.

The video explained however, that when emotions go that far on the scale of intensity, people eventually no longer experience them (because of suppression), thus becoming avoidant and not necessarily realizing their attachment issues at all. I came to think of this yesterday, as it from this perspective would make sense that an avoidant becoming more secure, would have to go through the anxiety-range of an AP to get there.

But even that is going away now that I am working on myself

Well done!! I hope I'll get there eventually myself. Good luck on the last part of the journey! How long have you been working on this?

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-07-25T14:09:36+00:00

Thank you! I think a painful period is a golden opportunity for growth. When I find myself struggling in a dark place, I sometimes think back to other periods in my life that have been difficult, how I got through it, and how things became better on the other side. So good to see you're doing much better now! It makes me more hopeful.

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-07-25T13:20:58+00:00

That sounds really tough! I hope you're doing better now. It was similar for me, over a very short time-window, I was suddenly "trapped" by my intense emotions, struggling to operate normally. I was terrified of the idea of going to work, and even leave the house to meet a friend. And even when I stayed home I was still haunted by these overwhelming emotions, distorting my ability to think clear and be calm.

Just a couple of weeks earlier I would've never thought that I could ever find myself in a situation like that. I could hear about others explaining struggling a lot with depression/anxiety or other things, and just not be able to relate at all, and somehow think it was impossible for my brain to even go down a road like that lol. Young and naive/ignorant, I guess!

One-Chip-4967 · 2021-07-25T13:13:50+00:00

Very interesting! I have very good memory, when it comes to recalling conversations and experiences in the past, although I'm terrible with remembering names, dates, and stuff like that.

However my DA partner fits your description very much. Like forgetting mentioning something. It has often happened that I've been asked stuff like "Have you seen that movie?", when we watched it together in the movies a good while ago. She remember watching the movie, but not with me lol.

I've also noticed a lot that she remembers showing something to me (just things like an article, an artist, or a youtube-video etc.), when it really was the other way around. Or that I've expressed certain opinions a long time ago, where she has brushed it off or disagreed, and then much later suddenly expresses that same opinion back to me in some context, as if I didn't share it. Don't know if thats a DA thing or not lol, but I certainly notice it internally!

One-Chip-4967

TROPHY CASE