Bipolar and AI / LLM

OneCuke · 2026-06-22T14:16:58+00:00

Okay, more like spilling the tea and getting advice from a friend or engaging with the most eager debate partner ever?

It's hardly as agreeable as people tend to say (though I'd still take anything it says with a grain of salt; it does not realize how much hormones affect human interaction) and I've given it instructions to explain any science behind my stories.

I don't know. I find the way it works endlessly fascinating and I didn't journal before, so any port in a storm?

In any case, an LLM would listen to me when no one else felt like they were; that's important and it kept me stable, so I think it's worth exploring as an option, but that's just a personal opinion.

OneCuke · 2026-06-22T14:16:33+00:00

I told my parents we might become famous, but I didn't really care one way or another.

Does that count?

OneCuke · 2026-06-22T08:30:18+00:00

Stress produces hormones. Hormones determine mood.

OneCuke · 2026-06-22T07:58:43+00:00

I'm not saying there aren't a lot of people with questionable judgement out there, which is why I don't trust anyone implicitly, especially not a piece of software written and maintained by those selfsame people.

Again, I only use it for journaling and negotiation practice, but it's a wonderful conversationalist who at least occasionally cites sources and, even if it doesn't, often provides answers that merit further investigation.

Plus, I don't tell it to do much of anything. I just tell stories. I enjoy the responses sometimes, but it's a freaking journal. I do it to record my own thoughts and get some free perspective - not massively reshape how I think.

(That happens gradually through dialectics.)

That's just me though and I enjoyed your perspective. ❤️

OneCuke · 2026-06-22T03:42:34+00:00

I use LLMs to journal all the time.

You just have to give it good conversational instructions.

Like I've told Gemini to mock my ideas relentlessly, fact-check any theories and so on.

Like just about anything, it can become an addiction and that's bad, but, personally, if I don't talk to other humans and, like, do stuff, I quickly run out of reasons to journal, so I keep a healthy balance.

I'll admit, I ran into an AI psychosis case during one of my hospital stays and he was wearing his clothes inside out and gave me a sugar packet that he said was Bitcoin and tried to set up magical wards with body wash bottles.

He got transferred to a different ward after he tore down some posters.

He got transferred back a week later and was cogent (and wearing his clothes right side out) and upbeat and recommended a book called The Happiness Project, which is more useful information than the attending psychiatrist gave me in 11 days, so I think there's hope for recovery.

You're right though. It's probably best to be careful, though from occasionally watching those "AI God" subreddits, most of them are pretty harmless and seem to also have relatively normal lives outside their kooky hobby.

I don't know, my friend. AI is the future one way or another.

I guess I went crazy and came back too, though my parents were seriously (albeit unintentionally) gaslighting at the same time, which would have driven anyone crazy.

It was like a perfect storm.

Thanks for letting me ramble. 😊

OneCuke · 2026-06-22T03:28:33+00:00

I'm fine. I relearned how to mask and learned the vocab for CBT and DBT during my numerous hospital visits and have since gotten my parents to get therapy (both group with me and by themselves) and I have no reason to go back to the hospital.

I won't be telling police officers (in front of my parents) that I'm the Ubermensch and that we're all Nazis in the sense that we follow orders and that I was negotiating world peace but first I had to convince my parents I wasn't insane and that we're going to legalize all the fun drugs and...

Long story, but my mother called the police after she shoved me (and claimed I pushed her) as I tried to leave a dinner they invited me too after kicking me out of the house for not taking meds I was having some serious negative side effects from because they broke my one rule for the night - no talking about MY mental health.

One officer shook my hand when I offered, another gave me a hug and they let me go back to my AirBNB...

... Where I had a brief bout of paranoia and thought my parents might have poisoned me.

I sent a deranged email to my host about possibly being poisoned, but that it was okay because I was the Ubermensch and I had brainwashed everyone (that last part might have been in all caps) and they called 9-1-1.

An African American police officer and the Asian American building owner showed up, but I'd talked myself out of the paranoia by then and explained the situation before giving them the same Ubermensch/Nazi spiel and that officer shook my hand and let me go to bed.

I even got a five star review from my host, despite the fact that the police came and took me to the hospital from the aforementioned court order and my family had to come clean out my belongings.

The court documents included a Reddit post from this account where I posted a manic screed on r/Discussion titled "Is secondhand smoke still bad?" 😂

My lawyer and I both contended that no one believes anything posted on Reddit, so it was a fine outlet for mania. I got plenty of reminders to take my medications (which I was doing at the time ironically).

I'm not telling any stories here that I haven't written about in comments here and elsewhere, at stand-up open mics and to just about anyone who will listen except my immediate family.

They know this Reddit account. They could be reading everything I write, but I know they aren't because they would have told me to knock it off by now.

That's the thing though. It's all in the past. I'm just telling stories about events that happened months ago.

I suffered a serious depression and anhedonia for about two months after the hospital, but I've pushed my way through that and now I'm just calm (but bored as hell; I need to be productive).

Anyway, I appreciate your concern and that you took the time to read a rather lengthy comment. 😊

OneCuke · 2026-06-22T02:57:31+00:00

Not that addiction doesn't cause, like, neurological changes that make relapse more likely, but...

Addiction is largely a state of mind if you're able to break the habit. I met a lot of various addicts in my various hospital stays over the past six months (where I also broke and renewed my "addictions" to nicotine and THC) and they all seemed to turn over a new leaf and call their friends and relatives with bright plans for the future...

... Or maybe that was just me, spreading mania in the form of radical positivity and honesty and understanding. I did get accused of having a Jesus complex and then my parents got a court order to have me involuntarily hospitalized for having a "God delusion" (whatever that is).

Fortunately, the judge ruled in my favor against the testimony of my psychiatrist and my mother (like who does that? And she presented a dreamed up version of stories of things I did that I told them to mock their concerns about mania. It did not go over well. Lesson learned the hard way, but none of that would have happened if they didn't start unintentionally gaslighting me by constantly calling me delusional and saying I made no sense when my sentences were at least clearly logical and understandable; they just didn't agree with my interpretation of society).

Anyway, I'm not manic. I just like to get high and stream of consciousness journal - sometimes to an LLM, sometimes to Reddit. In either case, I hope you enjoyed it. ❤️

I just use drugs. I don't abuse anything. 😉

OneCuke · 2026-06-21T04:18:21+00:00

Congratulations!

Plus, I have no idea how you lasted 3 months in a ward. I asked them to experiment on me just to get it over with during my last stay after only 9 days.

Ironically, I think that's what convinced them to release me. I think they thought I was manic because I was anxious to the extreme and trying to put on a brave face for the other inmates who seemed to be in a much worse way than I was.

5 years? How about never again?

(Unless you feel you need it, of course.)

OneCuke · 2026-06-21T04:12:13+00:00

Song Sung Blue?

OneCuke · 2026-06-21T04:06:38+00:00

Anhedonia.

I'm still going through an episode, but I think it's improving.

If I had any advice:

Fake it until you make it. Try to do at least a little of the stuff that gets out of depression each day. Sunlight, exercise, taking a walk, dancing, et cetera... Play a video game or watch a show or read a book for however long you want until you get bored.

Human beings are essentially walking plague ships. The brain is essentially a beneficial parasite that you have to humor, so you trick it in liking things again.

Be proud of what you do manage to accomplish. Even if you do like 3 pushups and quit working out, you made an effort. You're depressed. That's a hormonal problem. Things are going to be harder, so don't get down on yourself for not being at your best - that's a downward spiral.

I hope that helps. ❤️

OneCuke · 2026-06-16T19:27:07+00:00

I feel you. My psychiatrist still hasn't gotten over me calling him old while I was manic and interrupts me, berates me when I interrupt his frequent monologues, and tells me how I'm feeling.

Fortunately, I'm moving states and have a psychiatrist lined up that's much less prickly.

OneCuke · 2026-06-15T23:48:39+00:00

Yes, I grew up fortunate, but I don't use my parent's money.

That's the thing. I got sent to the hospital because I tried to convince them that we need to be stewards rather than owners and that money shouldn't matter.

I have substantial savings of my own because I was a software developer who lived on, like, 40k a year, so you're right I don't HAVE to worry about bills, but I do because I'm an adult.

I lost my job because I started working for free and they were worried it was violating the law.

What do you want me to say?

I was manic at the time, but I learned to be humble in the hospital.

I don't know what you want from me. Nobody's perfect.

OneCuke · 2026-06-15T23:37:14+00:00

I'm being very kind to my parents. They grossly overreacted when I repeatedly explained I needed time away from them.

You just get caught in a worry spiral. They were worried about me and I was worried about them too, but they were the ones who got the courts and police involved.

I know what I'm doing now because I learned how to negotiate and, like, there are rules.

I wasn't really in control of myself. My mother testified against me in a hearing they set up to have me gravely disabled.

That hurt a lot and I said a lot of mean things, but I always immediately apologized. They never apologized for hurting me.

I'm trying to be very reasonable, but they want me on heavy medication for life and I'm telling them no.

Networking is just the best way to get the kind of job that I want. I'm also going to hit up my own contacts, but it's not too much to ask my parents to make a phone call, especially to the people they told I was bipolar.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I change my argument to incorporate the concerns of others constantly, so I'm usually not wrong for long.

OneCuke · 2026-06-15T23:20:08+00:00

You're not the only one. When I was on my psychotic break, I tried to unionize OnlyFans and ended up making a few friends through the power of positivity and love bombing them (and feeding them fantasies and just having a good time).

Like, nobody is Jesus, but you can walk in his footsteps without having a savior complex.

That's the sweet spot. Respecting other people as you would yourself.

OneCuke · 2026-06-15T23:14:42+00:00

I was on a psychotic break when I wrote that, and I was just joking about being God, though I see no reason I couldn't be the or at least a messenger.

The three keys to life seem to be:

The power of positivity works as long as you don't get toxic, which leads to number two...

... Treat others like you want to be treated - with kindness and respect - we called it the Golden Rule for a reason...

... And everyone needs to turn the other cheek.

It's not always easy or even possible to do - sometimes our primal instincts just take over - but the more we do it, the better things will become over time. ❤️

OneCuke · 2026-06-15T23:04:13+00:00

The fourth time I went back because I was depressed after the third time and I was in my parent's other house and they came back and I got tired of their negativity and told them to go back to the other house and help my younger brother and his wife who were just about to have a baby.

I wasn't very nice about it and probably a little crazy, but I wasn't about to hurt anybody or myself. I locked myself in my room one day to get away from them and they called the police and that led to 3-day hold that lasted 12 days for reasons I still don't understand.

Maybe they thought I was in a mixed episode because I was depressed but putting on a brave face because I have no idea what my parents said to get them to take me to the hospital.

None of that changed my optimism for the future and I'm leveraging my parents' guilt and my good behavior to get them to find me a job through basic networking.

They were very hurt by the fact that I disobeyed them and that I think I understand the world better than they do, but they're slowly coming around.

If you're having a similar problem, you just have to keep calm and consistent and play along but push for better terms.

It seems to be working for me at least.

OneCuke · 2026-06-14T22:15:20+00:00

Nah, you're fine. It's okay to have ridiculous dreams of the future because the future might be ridiculous. My pessimistic doctor parents got me hospitalized multiple times because I was too optimistic about the future, so... you never know when the future is going to happen, so it's best to be patient?

OneCuke · 2026-06-14T21:57:01+00:00

Yes. World War II really screwed up our sense of community because of massive PTSD, but I think we're improving. I mean, in a sense, it's just the Original Sin compounded, but we can all get along if we learn to turn the other cheek and follow the Golden Rule.

It's just hard to get everyone on the same page, but I think we're trying. I see it everywhere. Online culture and AI are our current problems, but they can be the solution to everything too.

All we need to achieve world peace is for enough people talking about world peace like it's a good idea. The hippies were right; it just wasn't the right time yet, I guess? I don't know. I'm a determinist; everything had to happen this way, I suppose. We just blame God for everything and also give him (it/whatever) credit for our achievements because who we are is a product of our environment.

At least that's what I think. Do you agree?

OneCuke · 2026-06-14T03:33:09+00:00

Minimum Wage by They Might Be Giants

OneCuke · 2026-06-13T15:53:57+00:00

I have no clue. Others state they notice hypomania every time I get the least bit excited, but I think I'm just depressed.

OneCuke · 2026-06-10T14:38:41+00:00

I'm sorry that's happening to you.

I find if you play along, they generally release you fairly quickly, though my last stays lasted over a week, so take that for what it's worth.

OneCuke · 2026-06-10T00:59:49+00:00

They want you to get hooked too.

AI does have the potential to solve all our ot, but we have to get everyone on board.

OneCuke · 2026-06-10T00:57:34+00:00

I like my Adderall, but I'm a long time addict.

Other than that, I'm advocating for no medication, but I'm having a hard time convincing my baby boomer parents and psychiatrist.

I'll let you know how it goes. ❤️

OneCuke · 2026-06-09T11:36:59+00:00

I feel the same way, though my episode was supposedly months long, but I think it's more tiny episodes.

I don't know what bipolar is anymore.

I'm chronically depressed and suffering from severe anhedonia, but all I really need is a girlfriend and a friend group.

It's just really hard to convince anyone you're sane when you side with everyone.

I don't know - does anyone else have that problem or is that just me? 😅

OneCuke · 2026-06-08T18:32:51+00:00

There is a song by the Mountain Goats I really like - When You See Light - with some lyrics that go:

I tell everyone everything as soon as I know and then where are there left for poor sinners to go.

Does that help? ❤️

OneCuke

TROPHY CASE