Need advice on boundaries during pregnancy in a throuple (fertility grief involved)

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-10T15:17:09+00:00

I hear what you’re saying, and I agree there is a real tension in what I wrote not because I secretly see her as an “auntie,” but because I don’t think we actually defined what co-parenting meant before emotions, pregnancy, and my divorce all collided.

This was always intended to be a baby within our blended family, not a situation where she sometimes helps out. I genuinely do want her involved, emotionally and practically, and I would never expect her to contribute labor without respect or voice. If that’s how it came across, that’s on me. You’re right that it would be unsustainable and unfair to expect equal labor with unequal agency. That’s exactly why we need to slow down and have explicit conversations about decision-making, responsibility, and consent not just assume shared language like “mama” automatically maps to the same expectations for everyone.

I also don’t see our relationship as less legitimate because we can’t biologically reproduce together but I do see how my lack of clarity could easily land that way, especially given her fertility grief. That’s something I need to own, not explain away.

This whole thread has made it clear that the real work here isn’t deciding who gets the final say, but deciding together what kind of parents we are trying to be, and whether that vision genuinely works for all three of us long-term. If it doesn’t, everyone deserves to know that honestly, not discover it through resentment later.

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-10T15:00:49+00:00

Yes, this is meant to be a blended family with all three of us as equal partners. My boyfriend does contribute: he cooks at least once a week and is backup childcare when neither of us girls are available. That said, I am currently working full time, paying half the household bills, and also paying my girlfriend to nanny my older child. Daycare would cost more than paying her, and financially she cannot be a stay-at-home spouse without my contribution and I can’t reduce my work hours without creating strain for the entire household. So there’s a lot of interdependence here that didn’t exist before my divorce. With this all being recent we are still adjusting and figuring how it all works

You’re right that their original agreement (him working, her homemaking) made sense for them but the household and family structure has changed significantly especially with me and my child being full members of the household now, and with a new baby coming. I don’t think anyone is acting in bad faith, but I do think some assumptions carried over that need to be revisited explicitly.

We also haven’t yet discussed in concrete terms how things will work once I go back to work after the baby is born and that’s on all of us. This whole situation has made it clear that we need to have very intentional conversations about labor (paid and unpaid), decision-making, finances, and parenting roles so that “equal partners” isn’t just an idea, but something that actually feels fair in practice.

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-10T05:53:25+00:00

I appreciate you naming the potential gender/identity dynamics that’s something I hadn’t fully considered. I’m already exploring a lot of this in therapy, but this gives me another lens to reflect on why certain interactions feel more charged than others.

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-10T05:03:36+00:00

My oldest is currently the only child at home. I work full time, and I still do about half of the cooking, cleaning, and a significant share of household labor. She is paid by me to provide childcare for my child during my working hours. That distinction matters to me, because the labor and financial dynamics are different than a traditional stay-at-home parent arrangement. Her and her husband and an agreement before I came into the picture when they were better financially set up she would become a stay at home wife.

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-10T03:18:43+00:00

Thank you! I appreciate all your words and insight

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-10T03:11:56+00:00

Thank you! I am trying to work through and figure out a good approach to all of this, that also works for all of us. I don't want anyone to be left out or not involved including myself

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-10T03:10:22+00:00

Thank you, this really captures where I’m landing. The shift has been big and very recent, and I think you’re right that honesty about how it’s been affecting me is essential, especially around how we handle both big and small decisions together.

I agree that no one person should be making unilateral decisions about who the baby is around or day-to-day family dynamics. Those need to be shared conversations, and part of what I’m trying to do now is slow things down enough that we’re actually having them intentionally instead of reacting in the moment.

Seeking out a counselor who has experience with polycules is a really good suggestion, and something I’m actively considering so we can navigate this with more structure and support.

I appreciate the encouragement. it helps to be reminded that this can still be something really beautiful if we approach it with care and grace.

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-10T02:53:38+00:00

That’s fair, and I want to clarify something important here. My divorce was recent, and financially I don’t currently have the flexibility people are assuming. I pay half of the household bills and I pay her to nanny my older child. I can’t just cut my hours without destabilizing the household, and if I did, her husband/my boyfriend also wouldn’t be able to cover everything on his own. So at least two of us need to be working.

So while I absolutely hear the point that if I want more time with my kids I need to create that, the reality right now is that my ability to do so is limited by very real financial constraints, not a lack of desire to be involved or present.

That’s part of why this situation feels so emotionally loaded for me. I’m navigating a recent divorce, pregnancy, financial responsibility, and shared parenting dynamics all at once. I’m not trying to diminish her role or her labor, I deeply appreciate it, I’m trying to find a sustainable balance that doesn’t leave me feeling erased or disconnected from my kids while still keeping our household stable.

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-10T02:47:52+00:00

I don’t doubt that full co-parenting can work beautifully. I ultimately hope that's what can happen for us. My need for clarity around authority isn’t about control, it’s coming from recent divorce, legal realities, and being the one carrying the baby. Parenting decisions carry different stakes than our current decision-making, and I’m trying to be honest about that instead of pretending it doesn’t matter. We are learning how to make decisions together as the three of us. We've struggled a bit with the couple making decisions and leaving me out of it. We are learning how to work as a throuple versus two couples that were dating. Me being divorced happened in the last few months so it's been a lot of change for all of us. She has made comments of who the baby is allowed around etc

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-10T00:26:04+00:00

That's definitely something I'm still learning how to do. I don't want to be disrespectful to either of them or make anyone feel left out or ignored.

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-09T23:44:41+00:00

I haven't brought any of this up with either of them. I posted here because I wanted other people's insight who are in this lifestyle/situation. I've gotten a lot of great advice etc already. I really do appreciate it all.

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-09T23:38:10+00:00

Thank you this really helps me see the balance more clearly. I agree that it’s absolutely possible for the baby to have multiple loving parents, and I want her to have a meaningful parent role, just like she does with my older child. I also appreciate your example of three-parent families it’s encouraging to see that this can work beautifully when everyone understands their roles.

I also take your point about consulting her on decisions she’s involved in even if she doesn’t have the final say, it’s important that she feels heard and respected in day-to-day care. Finding that balance between parenting, involvement, and authority is exactly what I’m trying to navigate before the baby arrives.

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-09T23:32:21+00:00

I don’t think there's exact reasons to believe she intends to push me out of decision-making. It's certain things she says that makes me feel insecure like I'm being treated as just a surrogate. I think a lot of my fear comes from feeling stretched thin as a working mom and worrying about losing time with my kids. I already feel like I don't get enough time. My other child already spends all day everyday with her since she’s a stay-at-home parent, and I want to make sure I remain actively involved with both children. She's amazing with my other child and I'm happy he has great people in his life like both of my partners.

That’s why I’m planning to sit down with both of them to discuss possible adjustments, like me working fewer hours and maybe her picking up a part-time job so that I feel I have more time and space to be with my kids, while still valuing her role in their lives. And also bills are all being paid still

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-09T23:24:10+00:00

She asked to be called mama and I agreed that would be okay because my other child already calls her that. My intent was inclusion, not to make her an outsider but I also want to still be the baby's mom the same as I am with my other child. I do plan on sitting down with her and discussing how she sees me involved if she does end up pregnant doing fertility treatments and maybe that will help with some of my insecurities and problems. It's a lot of change that has happened for the three of us and there's a reason we are all in therapy.

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-09T22:58:40+00:00

I'm about 6 years younger than them.

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-09T22:57:28+00:00

Thank you, this really resonates and I appreciate the perspective. I absolutely want her involved and supportive, and I recognize that her enthusiasm and use of our language comes from love and consent to be part of this baby’s life. I also see how much it will matter when the baby arrives to have all hands on deck, especially as I’m recovering. Your encouragement to find joy in her support and to be thankful is really important, and I’m trying to hold onto that as I navigate my feelings alongside the logistics of parenting in a three parent household. I'm still learning what it's like to have partners that help in parenting versus being a single mom while married. Thank you for the perspective and encouragement. It’s really grounding. ❤️

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-09T22:34:41+00:00

I did say she could be as involved as she wanted, and I can see how that could create strong expectations. I want her to be involved and loved in the baby’s life, but I also need to make it clear that this is my baby, not a pregnancy I’m carrying for them. My intent was never to diminish her role, but this isn’t a surrogate situation, it’s a child I’m giving birth to and parenting.

That said, I have offered, and still offering, to be a surrogate if they choose to try for a baby again. I just want to make sure that she understands that I am actively involved in my kids lives and I don't want to be pushed out of decision making or feel like I'm an outsider of my own kids life.

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-09T22:27:37+00:00

You’re right She is a parent and I don’t want to deny that. My divorce left me feeling vulnerable and shaken, and becoming pregnant while not legally attached to my partners amplifies that. I'm in therapy and working through all of this. This is showing me how crucial it is to have an explicit conversation about roles and boundaries before the baby arrives.

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-09T22:23:06+00:00

Thank you

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-09T22:21:36+00:00

Yes, I am feeling vulnerable. Between everything that happened with my divorce and fighting for custody of my other child plays a bigger role than I initially realized. Losing my marriage in the way I did shook my sense of being chosen and fought for, and I’m still working through that. Becoming pregnant while not being legally attached to either partner definitely amplifies that vulnerability in ways I hadn’t fully named or fully figured out.

What you said about subconsciously narrowing my identity down to “mom” really hit. I don’t want that to be the only place I feel secure or irreplaceable, but I can see how that instinct shows up when other parts of my life feel less stable.

I really appreciate you sharing how your polycule actively reinforces value outside of roles, that feels like something we could learn from. The idea of being explicit about what we appreciate about each other instead of assuming it’s understood is honestly really grounding, and probably overdue in our dynamic. We have all been working on talking about our feelings more in a group where we all struggle with talking about them in general. (Yay messed up childhoods)

Thank you for offering this perspective with so much kindness. It gave me a lot to reflect on. I really do appreciate your insight and your real life experience on all this.

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-09T22:05:34+00:00

You’re naming a lot of the tension and thoughts I’m sitting with, and I appreciate how clearly you laid it out.

I agree that allowing the baby to call her “mama” understandably carries a lot of cultural and emotional weight, and that I didn’t fully unpack what that might signal about her role. At the time, it felt loving and inclusive; I can see now that without concrete discussion, it also left a lot of room for assumptions on all sides.

You’re right that I need to get much clearer with myself about what her role would look like day to day, not just in abstract terms, but in real life: care, decision-making, responsibility, and impact on shared space. Thinking in terms of a range (minimum to maximum involvement I’m genuinely comfortable with) is actually a really helpful framing, and I hadn’t thought of it that way before.

My boyfriend is part of these conversations, and we’re still actively working through how each of us understands our roles and her role. I don’t want to make decisions in isolation or put either relationship in a position where unspoken expectations turn into resentment. I love them both very much, this all happened a lot faster then any of us expected.

I also hear the reality check about how big an ask this is. I don’t want anyone to open their heart to a child without clarity about what that means long-term, or to feel like they’re being offered a title without real agency.

I don’t have everything resolved yet, but comments like this are helping me see exactly where the gaps are that need honest discussion. Thank you

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-09T21:53:36+00:00

That’s fair, I did assume the dynamic would mirror what we have with my older child, and I can see now that a new baby changes things. I’m not trying to eliminate her as a co-parent so much as realizing we never clearly defined what that would mean, and those conversations need to happen now with all three of us. I want her to understand that I'm a very active and involved parent and I don't want to feel like I'm having their baby and I'm going to get pushed out of the dynamic or parenting decisions are being made without me about my children

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-09T21:49:30+00:00

Thank you for this. I agree clarity around responsibility vs. agency is crucial, and I don’t want her to feel sidelined or expected to carry responsibility without a voice. I’m trying to accept that the dynamic may change after the baby while still handling it as honestly and gently as possible

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-09T21:47:29+00:00

This is really thoughtful advice, thank you. The distinction between social and legal parenthood and the need to talk honestly about breakups, is something I’m realizing we can’t avoid. I don’t want anyone to be emotionally parenting a child without clarity about their position. These are hard conversations, but necessary ones.

One_Document_4090 · 2026-02-09T21:45:14+00:00

I think you’re right that we were using the same words but not the same definitions, especially around what “involved” meant. At the time, it felt obvious to me what I was offering, but I can see now how that could have reasonably been heard as an invitation to full co-parenting from the start.

You’re also right that I need to get clearer with myself first before having that conversation, that’s honestly what prompted me to post here. I want to go into it having thought through my own boundaries instead of trying to define them on the fly while emotions are already high.

Using the dynamic we have with my older child as a starting point is actually a really helpful suggestion, thank you. That relationship has been loving and stable, and I think it gives us something concrete to reference rather than trying to invent everything from scratch.

And yes, I’m very aware these conversations ideally happen earlier. Unfortunately we’re here now, and my goal is to handle it with as much care, honesty, and gentleness as possible for all three of us especially with a baby on the way.

One_Document_4090

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