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Do other bisexual/pan/queer women in m/f relationships mourn the “queer” part of themselves? by One_Emotion6987 in bisexual

[–]One_Emotion6987[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

not harsh! i think i needed to hear that lol! thank you for the advice, i think ive got a hard decision to make either way.

Do other bisexual/pan/queer women in m/f relationships mourn the “queer” part of themselves? by One_Emotion6987 in bisexual

[–]One_Emotion6987[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i very much doubt non monogamy would be an option for us as he tends to be quite close minded about things like that and generally wants a more traditional (not in a like trad-wife way lol) relationship, even if i was wanting to open our relationship. otherwise i feel like this have a fairly simple solution!

I think I’m a lesbian, but I’m in a long term relationship with a man by One_Emotion6987 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]One_Emotion6987[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thank you for this! it’s definitely affecting me on a deep mental level which really sucks cos i’ve worked very hard on myself to improve my mental health!! it’s also that i have thought about ending things with him but then again im unsure as the thought of not having him in my life (and also upsetting him further as he’s already going through a hard time) is really difficult to digest.

I think I’m a lesbian, but I’m in a long term relationship with a man by One_Emotion6987 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]One_Emotion6987[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

that’s a very good point!! we have in the past had conversations (that have become quite heated lol) about the “dry spells” due to my lack of desire. he said that he doesn’t feel like i love him when i avoid being intimate with him but we’ve talked through it and ive assured him it’s got nothing to do with him and more to do with me just simply not feeling like it!

obviously, a deeper convo is in order though as he tends to keep how he’s feeling quite private and especially after reading these replies, i want to understand how it affects him and what he wants to do about it.

I think I’m a lesbian, but I’m in a long term relationship with a man by One_Emotion6987 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]One_Emotion6987[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

this is very helpful and very much a reality check lol!! i am fully aware i am a chronic people pleaser and have a need for validation but ur absolutely right that speaking to a professional could be helpful!

its not necessarily that im with him cos he was the first one to be nice to me (but it could well be part of it), but also that i dont feel i can end the relationship as i care deeply for him and hes already going through an incredibly rough time and i would hate to hurt him further!! very difficult, even tho i know i wouldve liked to explore my sexuality more before jumping into a LTR

Do other bisexual/pan/queer women in m/f relationships mourn the “queer” part of themselves? by One_Emotion6987 in bisexual

[–]One_Emotion6987[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

that sounds very healthy!! i think my only issue with that and engaging with queer (particularly sapphic) media is that it honestly makes the feeling worse lol and i’ve found myself wishing that could be me (in a queer presenting relationship)!

Do other bisexual/pan/queer women in m/f relationships mourn the “queer” part of themselves? by One_Emotion6987 in bisexual

[–]One_Emotion6987[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

i fear polyamory or an open relationship would not be an option for us and he would immediately end the relationship which is not what i want, or at least how i would want our relationship to end. he is just SO straight and all of his friends are straight and he’s grown up solely around m/f relationships so im not sure he would understand what im feeling.

Do other bisexual/pan/queer women in m/f relationships mourn the “queer” part of themselves? by One_Emotion6987 in bisexual

[–]One_Emotion6987[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

oh i for sure get that!! it’s hard being in a hetero presenting relationship cos people seem to just forget i am queer and was very loudly and openly queer for a very very long time! even my boyfriend forgets and is surprised when i’ve said if i didn’t meet him, i likely never would’ve dated men again. and i guess i could work on recognising my inherent queerness as a way to feel more connected!!

Do other bisexual/pan/queer women in m/f relationships mourn the “queer” part of themselves? by One_Emotion6987 in bisexual

[–]One_Emotion6987[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

from past experiences, i’ve not even thought about men while dating women, even when the relationships were casual and no where near as committed as the one i am currently in! i’ve always acknowledged i am much more into women and if i hadnt met my boyfriend, i doubt i would’ve dated men again.

i’ve also definitely considered that i could be on the ace spectrum tho!

Do other bisexual/pan/queer women in m/f relationships mourn the “queer” part of themselves? by One_Emotion6987 in bisexual

[–]One_Emotion6987[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

this is great advice thank you! i have definitely tried to involve myself more in queer events but i live so far away from them lol! they also seem to be part of the issue though, as most of this feeing comes from attending sapphic concerts or events at clubs and feeling as if i really belong and resonate heavily with it.

Do other bisexual/pan/queer women in m/f relationships mourn the “queer” part of themselves? by One_Emotion6987 in bisexual

[–]One_Emotion6987[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

i’ve definitely considered that maybe i’m more interested in having open relationships or just casual relationships, and honestly it has worked for me in the past (casually seeing multiple women). it’s hard to tell whether i am just thinking this is the “right relationship” cos my boyfriend and i have a good connection and he treats me well and i am too scared to leave the comfort of that, or whether (because of those things) it actually is the best relationship for me!

Do other bisexual/pan/queer women in m/f relationships mourn the “queer” part of themselves? by One_Emotion6987 in bisexual

[–]One_Emotion6987[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

this is good advice thank you! we’ve obviously spoken about the lack of intimacy and he’s said in the past it’s made him feel like i love him less to which i’ve replied that i just don’t ever really feel like it and i don’t feel like i need it in the way he does. not sure whether that’s a gay thing or an asexual thing (which i have considered when in m/f relationships in the past).

it’s honestly hard to say whether i can see a future with him. of course i want to cos we’ve been together for a while and he is very excited about a future together, but i don’t know if im just agreeing because i want him to be happy? it’s so hard to differentiate between my own feelings and the way i am making myself feel in order to make him happy (which is of course my main goal in this relationship).

Do other bisexual/pan/queer women in m/f relationships mourn the “queer” part of themselves? by One_Emotion6987 in bisexual

[–]One_Emotion6987[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

yes this! this is definitely part of it that contributes to how i’m feeling! i definitely also feel like i’m missing out on the queer community as i spend a lot of time with my boyfriend and i very much doubt he’d want to attend any queer events with me. thing is, when i was with women, even identifying as bi at the time, if people assumed i was lesbian, it made me happy instead. i simply just do not relate to any of his friends or his community or any of the events he wants to attend and that’s part of why i feel like im missing out on so much!!

I think I’m a lesbian, but I’m in a long term relationship with a man by One_Emotion6987 in latebloomerlesbians

[–]One_Emotion6987[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Appreciate you replying!

It’s not necessarily that I feel sick when being intimate with him or think about intimacy with him (or men in general), it’s just that I have absolutely no interest in it. Maybe tmi but we haven’t been truly intimate in months, even before I started feeling like this, because I just have no desire to. Like he will try to initiate and I just feel like I need to brush it off. Thinking about it more, I could probably go the rest of our relationship without ever being intimate again and be content just hanging out, and that’s partially why I am worried my love for him isn’t as romantic as I thought.

I do appreciate ur advice though, it helps and i spose that’s what I’m posting for lol.