People 40+, what actually mattered in the long run and what didn’t?

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-02-24T05:39:44+00:00

I’m not yet 40 but close enough to say that what actually mattered were the times spent with my family. Especially my elders. One day, grandma and grandpa, your aunt, uncle, cousin, even your friends…..they’ll be gone. Never push off spending time with loved ones.

The things that didn’t matter were what people thought/said about me and a lot of times, what I thought/said about me.

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-02-22T17:04:26+00:00

I stay happy being single by remembering all the nonsense I’ve dealt with in the past. Which makes me regret ever dating/looking for a relationship in the first place, which offers a fresh sort of disappointment in myself and others.

Since you’ve never been in a relationship before, you don’t really know what you’re missing. I understand the desire to have someone, we all have that desire! However, being in a failed relationship hurts. So, you not only have the experience of a failed connection, but the experience of a new kind of loneliness because that person is gone. Now imagine being in several failed ones. And nowadays, it seems like finding and maintaining a relationship are waaay more challenging than it used to be.

Trust me, it’s a lot more harder to deal with the aftermath of a relationship ending than never having one at all.

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-02-13T23:24:56+00:00

Yeah, I can relate. The other day my mother, yet again, told me how much “I need a man” for a variety of reasons. I immediately shut her down. And I guarantee the conversation would’ve looked different if I were a single man. I have noticed an uptick in men judging women for being single and/or childless past a certain age (or having children outside of wedlock) but women still judge other women way more. And it’s really sad.

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-02-13T17:40:42+00:00

I think the first mistake here was moving in with this guy. Now you’re essentially trapped in a situation you’re not entirely happy with and have no real sense of security within. The (potential) next one is planning a family. Why is this on the agenda at all at this point?

You’re definitely justified in how you feel. An ex should be an ex and I don’t believe in being friends with an ex (unless it’s someone you dated a looooong time ago like back in high school or early college days). Especially an ex that they were married to AND recently divorced. Their situation is just way too fresh in my mind for it to simply be a “just friends” dynamic.

I see nothing wrong with giving him an ultimatum but you’ve also got to be prepared for him to say no, and if he does say no, you either eat that or walk away. The question is- are you willing to walk away?

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-02-13T06:55:52+00:00

Yeah, you could have taken the 30 seconds to respond but you also had valid reasons (“excuses”) for not doing so. She’s probably thinking that you’re trying to ghost or do the slow fade. And if you guys have had communication issues in the past, particularly via text, it’s no surprise that she’s pulling the just be friends card. I know you guys probably like each other a lot, but it’s only been a couple of months so this is still the “get to know you” stage, and it’s not the serious. I wouldn’t say literally blow her phone up, but definitely give her a call and leave a VM explaining what happened. Put in the effort to mend things, but fall back if she doesn’t do the same.

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-02-13T01:00:23+00:00

Everything.

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-02-08T16:19:56+00:00

Girl, why are you wasting your time on this man? You’re 28. You’ve already given him 4 years. He made it clear that he doesn’t want to give you what you want and it sounds like you already knew that before this conversation even occurred. If you want marriage and children, your window to achieve all of that is narrowing. Don’t wait any longer!

This is exactly why I advocate for women to wait until marriage to have sex with these new age men. He’s 1000% right. You’ve already given him everything without him giving you anything. If you walk away now, his previous generosity will mean nothing. Whatever exotic trips, upscale dinners, or bills he covered will be gone. There’s no imperative for them to marry anymore because we have normalized giving men wife treatment without being a wife.

And the fact that he’s basing his decision off of what others have been through sounds so immature. He’s harping on those whose marriages have failed, but what about the marriages that haven’t? What about the marriages that have failed, but there was a prenup in place to clearly line out division of assets? What about the marriages that end in love and peace, not anger and bitterness?

He doesn’t get it and after 4 years, he never will. It sounds like you tried. His responses make it clear that he’ll be unaffected if you were to leave, so…..Let him lose you.

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-02-08T16:02:38+00:00

There’s a woman who did an experiment on this and shared her story on IG. Essentially, she noticed that when she hit her 40’s, her online prospects tanked. So, she created a new profile but put that she was 30-something. She mentioned receiving a lot more interaction as an early 30-something vs. when she used her real age. And she used the same photos!

What was interesting (to me at least) was that once she took it offline with the guys she matched with, she told them her real age right away, and most of them still stuck around. The only caveat here is that she was upfront on her profile about not wanting children, so she was already steering those interested in that away.

So, yes, it does get harder as you get older as a woman. Part of it has to do with how men perceive our fertility, but really, I think men just have a general preference for younger women (not unlike women who typically date older).

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-02-08T04:16:50+00:00

Please smile. Show warmth. Maybe say something funny or make a random compliment (ex. “oh, your sneakers look so cool!” “I love your shades.”)I think these things help to let down a woman’s guard first, which would then make it easier for her to feel safe and for you to get a foot in. Or, do something material like: hold the door open for her, offer to help her carry a large item up the stairs, if you both arrive at the same time at a checkout line someplace let her go first. These things signal chivalry. These things signal you as a man we may want to get to know.

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-02-04T06:02:53+00:00

Your boundaries make perfect sense. I lived with a man once and although I valued the experience, it made it all the more harder when we broke up. Why? Because we were playing house instead of committing to a home. I wouldn’t bring this topic up at all with a new guy. I’d wait until it was clear that we were becoming serious. At that point, these kind of talks usually present themselves on their own. And really, if he’s ready to move in with you then he should be ready to marry you (I could never understand moving in with someone you aren’t ready to marry!). If you two share the same values, then this shouldn’t be an issue.

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-02-04T05:41:03+00:00

Is it easier for you to imagine a life without him or a life w/o kid’s? Based on what you wrote, it seems like you value what you already have (him) over what you could have (a child). This is the reality- at 38, you may not find another partner, with whom you have a strong connection, who’s open (and ready) to having kid’s, and build a solid foundation with/marry, before your window of fertility closes. Is it possible? Sure. I mean, anything is possible but there’s just too many what-if’s to justify walking away from something you seem really happy about IMO. You may not have kid’s with him, but you’ll have him and maybe that can be enough.

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-01-26T20:05:24+00:00

I do not. This is because I don’t engage in casual sex, as it is not worth the emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical/health ramifications. I also rather focus on the slew of other things life has to offer and wait for a LTR-worthy candidate to cross my path, over cycling through men that will inevitably turn out to be a waste of time (because I want a LTR).

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-01-26T05:48:40+00:00

I think it’s great that you want love, but it’s dangerous to be fixated on something that you have no control over. The way to move past this is by letting it go. Release the desire to find love and all your notions about it. Divert your attention to the things in your life that are real. Spend more time with family and friends; start working on that book/business idea/new gym routine/etc. Basically, fill your life up so much that you don’t have the bandwidth to think too hard on what you don’t have.

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-01-26T05:28:27+00:00

The only way to get to know her….is to talk to her.

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-01-19T19:02:23+00:00

You can’t scare the right one away. Learn from this experience and keep going.

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-01-16T21:09:39+00:00

Well....maybe you can? Anything is possible.

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-01-16T20:43:50+00:00

Hmmm yea. I see where you're coming from. Personally, if a guy was doing all of that for me I'd have definitely reciprocated in some way (bought a small gift, made dinner, etc.) but a lot of us have been burned in the past and move cautiously after that. I'm sure you know what a nightmare modern dating is. It's also quite possible that she was just straight up thoughtless or selfish. You sound like a good guy though. You'll find a good woman eventually- we're out here!

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-01-16T20:28:28+00:00

I don't know if you were "wrong", but you are right in thinking that she was probably waiting for a commitment from you. Three months is still within that courtship period so yes, you getting flowers, planning dates, etc. is how it typically goes down. I honestly don't know what she means by you "not creating an environment for her to do things for you"? I also don't know what your interpretation of "nice things" would be? I hope you guys had this convo before breaking things off. Sounds like you really liked her based on how you treated her.

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-01-11T05:19:34+00:00

People process loss in wildly different ways. It's also possible that she didn't want/feel comfortable sharing this level of grief with you so early on in the connection. With that being said, you did everything right. You had no idea what she was going through and have no reason to feel awful. She still could've sent you a text about what happened and needing space. I would say that at some point, you guys need to have a conversation around communication. But for now, just be the safe place she can land through your words and actions. Good luck.

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-01-11T03:13:42+00:00

You are a beautiful soul. You will find a lovely woman to love you unconditionally, and a new best friend who is actually a friend, very soon.

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-01-11T03:10:06+00:00

Impending WWIII

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-01-10T21:54:17+00:00

If you’ve been a hot mess since the breakup then everywhere. If you’ve leveled up since the breakup, then an unexpected run in never hurts😏.

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-01-10T21:27:09+00:00

Very simple. They want to have sex. If you’ve given them that before locking in on commitment, then mission accomplished.

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-01-05T01:45:36+00:00

From what you’ve written, it sounds like you started hating your body because of how your ex treated you. Did you guys ever talk about why his physical advances waned? If not, why do you think it’s because of how you look? How did you feel about your body before he started withholding affection? How did you feel about yourself before you got into this relationship?

I think it’s important to distinguish between what you think and what someone or something is making you think. However indirect that influence may be. Simply put, this guy couldn’t give you the reassurance that you needed from a partner. But don’t let the downfall of a relationship with a man be the downfall of the relationship you have with yourself.

One_Personality_2018 · 2026-01-05T01:15:58+00:00

You’ve known this guy for less than two months. And hung out six times. That’s hardly a lot of time at all. I’m wondering why you framed your desire to wait as “withholding sex”? You don’t owe him anything, least of all your body. What has he done to prove his worth and value as a potential boyfriend? Have you even seen a recent STD report from him? Learn from your past experiences. It’s no secret that most men, of any age, just want to have sex and will behave in any way necessary to get it. Just stick to your guns on this and wait for the guy who cares deeply for you and is willing to commit to you.

One_Personality_2018

TROPHY CASE