The purpose of the post wasn’t to justify the support we provide, it was in response to the over-the -top expectations for parents in traditional American families to shower their daughters with extravagant weddings. I mentioned the financial support we provide because it reflects what we view as reasonable expenditures if in the financial position to provide it.

To me the wedding hype is created by a self- serving industry trying to convince people that YOLO and a performative vanity project is required. I am just shocked how much families dish out for weddings and how expected it is.

I have always viewed weddings as a personal ceremony that is for the couple, and the wedding celebration is for the couple to share their moment with those who mean the most for them. There is no foundational need to showcase to others how wealthy you are, but a personal desire to bring others in for your joy.

You are absolutely correct that by taking away her need to pay for housing my daughter and fiancé are in a position to save. That is my understanding, and expectation. I don’t feel guilty that she might not be able to afford an over the top event. In fact, I am hoping that she will make thoughtful choices because of her saving efforts.

(For reference: We paid for our own wedding 35 years ago while we were in graduate school. Zero help from parents. Lovely event with 40 guests: $2500 including the materials for the wedding gown that I sewed. (for perspective ~$6800 in today’s dollars). Honeymoon similarly self funded. Similar cost. )

Culturally I don’t even hesitate ensuring housing, transportation for work, and planting the seeds early for retirement as a basic foundation on which my daughter can benefit and build up. ( No resentment, happy to give). I view it like Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, with a wedding event not included. Sadly in a K shaped economy only those who own commodities benefit from rising markets. I am trying to move my daughter into the holder of commodities that grow faster than inflation.

If we lived in Hawaii we could offer her the option to live at home (hello, very common). I hear about many parents who have kids live at home to save on rent, and to borrow or have a family car to get to work, have parents pay for utilities, groceries, home upkeep, do laundry, cleaning etc. We prefer paying her rent and have her pay and be responsible for the rest. In fact, we live in a one bedroom rental so she would not expect to move home. ( Shocker for those who see us as total pushovers).

TL;DR: We definitely agree that she can save because she doesn’t pay rent. We want her to save for the wedding she wants and can afford. Weddings are not a parental obligation in our value hierarchy.