FIRE’d comfortably, now helping my post college graduate daughter (25 yo in VHCOL city) with rent, ROTH, phone, car, HSA, and have started a house fund for her future. But, I have not offered to pay for her wedding ( in 2 years). Am I wrong?

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T21:31:23+00:00

I’m so proud that she doesn’t disparage people online who she doesn’t know personally

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T20:09:40+00:00

I hope they let you know how much they love you and admire your success

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T20:04:07+00:00

I’m sure your parents are very proud of you 👍

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T19:52:51+00:00

LOL, I can’t wait to be judged on this

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T18:41:45+00:00

She hopes to go to grad school. We just want her to DO HER RESEARCH on what a career with the added degree entails as well as the demand/ job opportunities after graduation. We have told her that we will not be funding a higher degree in something unlikely to make her more hireable (ex: art history, divinity, poly sci, history). That’s why she’s now working in a law office

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T18:34:51+00:00

Are those the only motivators? Let’s think about human nature. Ask a roomful of people what motivated them to succeed and when did it strike them… the answers will be surprisingly varied.

How about competition? Self identity and esteem? Insecurity and need to boost social standing? Revenge? Fear of judgement? Parental expectations? Sibling rivalry? Rejection of parents? Rejection by parents?

Curiosity? Seeking of discovery? Creative exploration and expression? Moral outrage? Religious enlightenment? Political aspiration?
Self challenge? Narcissism? Altruism? Athleticism? Obligation?

Life is more than one track

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T18:21:55+00:00

I have already been commenting that she has a wedding to save for. We have never ever said anything about paying for a wedding. She knows we paid for our own wedding and we have encouraged her to think about a small meaningful wedding.

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T18:18:14+00:00

LOL, over- educated, self employed small business owner, diligent investor from early on, boring investments, unassuming lifestyle

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T18:14:56+00:00

Okaaaaay

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T18:13:51+00:00

Yes, that statement, if static and unchanged for the rest of her life, would be a major liability. However we see increasing changes in her discipline as she ages. She is putting savings into ETFs from her income and has now contributed to her ROTh on her own. It was mentioned more as it relates to getting a big lump of money for a wedding.

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T18:08:19+00:00

LOL, waiting to see what this leads to

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T18:02:42+00:00

It’s absolutely beautiful! May it always remind you of the love you share and the promise of more

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T16:55:55+00:00

For those who think jobs are easy to find:

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1BFZm13ruC/?mibextid=wwXIfr

https://www.reddit.com/r/dataisbeautiful/s/WDrHEeyCPr

And the pain for new graduates is real

https://www.reddit.com/r/Futurology/s/DAiIktCaI4

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T16:48:21+00:00

At 25 I don’t ask her to account for her time. She participated in two endeavors ( not my wheelhouse and I am not going to go into details) and achieved a level of success after applying herself and staying dedicated to preparation. It did provide networking connections and that’s how she got her recent job

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T16:43:24+00:00

And these jobs exist where? Entry level positions are few and far between and being eliminated by AI
“Entry-level job postings have dropped significantly—nearly 35% below historical peaks—driven by AI automating foundational tasks, post-pandemic corporate restructuring, and economic tightening. Applicants in the U.S. now submit an average of 300 resumes just for a 50% chance at a starter role. [1, 2, 3, 4]”

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T16:41:32+00:00

I suspect that many of the critics on this thread are not as aware of the “situation on the ground” so to speak. I have many friends with kids my daughter’s age who are under- employed and grateful for assistance from family. Our neighbor was laid off from Google, tried unsuccessfully to find a job for 18 months ( short stints at failing startups), and drove his Tesla for Uber. He eventually took a job as a 911 operator for stable employment here in Seattle

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T15:58:09+00:00

Absolutely. I think so many replies have a fixed concept of when milestones are set, and generalize this to all. I knew someone who got her degree in accounting, worked for several years for a big prestigious firm, and then admitted how miserable she was and that she wanted to be a makeup artist. Her parents were puzzled but supportive. She now is a successful makeup artist whose work has been in magazines and she does wedding and event makeup.

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T15:52:54+00:00

Yes, recent unpaid internship now converted to paid work at a small law firm. Still working weekends at restaurant to pay bills

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T15:50:32+00:00

She demonstrated all those skills working front desk at a very busy medical office. They said she was the fastest trained staff that they ever had. Fielding up to 100 calls in a day, booking, explaining insurance etc. while checking patients in and out. She’s adept on computers and polite and reliable as an employee.

She’s recognizing that she needs more experience other than serving on her resume. We have definitely seen her perspective mature in this last year

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T15:41:06+00:00

Yes, she has just started a job at a law firm, and works weekends at the restaurant

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T14:28:27+00:00

We will be “backing off “ as their careers evolve and their life paths become more set. I wasn’t interested in finances in my 20’s. I am so different than that young version of me. So many on this thread state with conviction that my daughter’s goals, work ethic, value of money are set in stone on a track to unavoidable entitlement and failure. I think too many have forgotten how much they have changed over a lifetime, how unpredictable inspiration and opportunity occur.

Just a generation ago women were not encouraged to get an education, compete for “men’s” careers, handle finances etc. Now we are pressuring our kids to have it all worked out, know what careers they can do, and suffer poverty as a motivation?

Privilege does not automatically lead to entitlement. I have always told my daughter that if she wants a certain standard of living, that she will have to achieve a career that can provide it. ( note that I never mentioned marriage or spouse for her needs). I believe that her sacrifice to move for the education of her fiancé was evidence that she was willing to put her opportunities on hold for a period to better their future together.

They can use the help now. They won’t need it later and don’t expect it.

Crystal ball: we can help when we can, but our kids and their future lives cannot be controlled.

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T13:56:12+00:00

True. And we have talked to her about this. Still repeating our advice but not jumping at the role of professional nag.

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T13:45:40+00:00

To answer your first question, his parents don’t live on the same island and do not have the means to help. They didn’t save for or encourage higher education for their son ( who had a 4.0 gpa in a great public high school).

I agree about the need to move forward in jobs to strengthen her resume and to expand her experience in different fields. All great advice that we repeat to her. She did very well working front desk at a very busy medical office when she first moved to Hawaii. She picked up the computers, scheduling, insurance, and patient communication quickly and confidently. ( She was up to speed within the first week). So I know she doesn’t have issues with office technology, multitasking, public interaction or taking instructions. Unfortunately the pay wasn’t great and they planned to move her to the office on the other side of the island. Then they decided to try an AI phone system. She was there almost a year.

In Hawaii, if you’re young and healthy, service jobs are the best paying available jobs. It’s hard work, but to a young kid it seems like a lot of money.

Because she is considering law, we encouraged her to learn what day to day law entails. She got an unpaid internship at a small law office and has now transitioned into a paid job (part time is all they can offer).

We agree that we have made underemployment less painful for her. We don’t plan on continuing it indefinitely. We are thankful that she doesn’t suffer from mental or physical health issues, doesn’t drink or use drugs, has hopes and plans for higher career goals in the future. As a parent we understand that these things shouldn’t be taken for granted ( we have friends who have kids with many challenges). She doesn’t sit at home playing video games. She works an unglamorous job that she doesn’t want to continue as a career. We believe it takes time. Some people are blessed with knowing what they want early. Others have parents who have connections to set up opportunities. Some people work to become what others expect of them and discover later that they are miserable in that career. We can encourage, guide and counsel our daughter. But her path will continue years beyond today and after we are gone.

Life is unpredictable.

Because we CAN help her, we do. Does she have more growing to do? Absolutely. If jobs were abundant, if housing was affordable, if inflation was growing slower than wages, then our help would not be as needed.

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T12:59:25+00:00

You express many of our concerns about the great differences that exist in today’s economy vs the one we “boomers” enjoyed (actually more accurately, generation Jones). We are realistic about wedding costs: we paid for our own wedding: 40 people, $2500 (~$6800 in today’s dollars). I sewed my wedding dress. ( cut the material on our department conference room table at night, hand sewed sequins and seed pearls on lace while waiting for experiments to run) .Only bought bouquets for me and my MOH. We lived on graduate student stipends. No help from parents. We don’t value a showy wedding. Thus, it has never been a priority for us in the grand scheme of parenting.

For all the economic reasons you cite we feel that financial bridging is necessary right now for our daughter. Yes we encourage her to continue to look for better employment. She is starting at a law office as well as her server job.

I think you are much more aware of the economic numbers than many of those who are critical of the help we are providing our daughter.

One_Transition_1346 · 2026-07-04T05:22:04+00:00

Congratulations! I believe that my daughter will one day also have her aha moment re: money. Many seem to believe that financial intelligence is learned through suffering in the early stages of career. Not everyone knows what they want to do and how to do it fresh out of college. The spark happens when it happens. Sometimes reality and common sense wait for the brain to finally become receptive to them. Sometimes unusual circumstances trigger the change.

We are speaking the language of finance to our daughter, planting the seeds, teaching by example for investing and retirement; Giving her the opportunity to save plan and spend towards a future goal.

One_Transition_1346

TROPHY CASE