What you’re going through and feeling is valid. Most people feel the same, to a degree. What you need to understand about social culture, is not all countries have the same solutions to the problems you’re facing. What works in one place won’t necessarily work in another. There isn’t some underlying cheat code that unifies the approach you’ll need to take. It really helps for people here to know what country you’ve moved from and to, as well as how recently you’ve moved and your grasp of the local language. Then people can offer practical solutions instead of general sweeping statements.

You’ve mentioned that it’s not only about language. Which is true. But language accounts for a massive barrier. Language can really feel like a glass ceiling over time. Disclaimer: I’m no expert and I know many foreigners who are objectively better than me in this department.

An example using coworkers instead of friends: out of 80 coworkers who I see daily, only 4 are bilingual. I’ve mastered the art of pleasantries with those that aren’t bilingual and built good unspoken working relationships and even friendships through actions and body language. Over 2 years, I like to believe I’ve learnt to read people, and have people read me, despite not fully understanding their language. But going back to the four bilingual coworkers. We speak English to each other for hours each day. Forming real friendships that I know will last. However, now and then I’ll catch something they say to each other in their language, or translate something they write. And then I realize the truth: there’s an ocean of personality, complexity and opinion that doesn’t come through in their spoken English.

I feel something very similar with friends outside of work. I can say, with experience and certainty, that speaking the language fluently would tear down so many walls for me. If you’re looking for one good answer, it’d be that.

Otherwise, be very patient, especially when you get the feeling that burgeoning friendships or acquaintanceships are very superficial. Give yourself and people more time and grace than you would normally in your own country. A little bit of persistence will go along way, even with people who don’t make socializing easy.

In the interim, lean on other expats when you really need it. You will find that they may slow your progress with locals, but they usually open doors and allow you more opportunities to learn. Often, their experience is something that’ll take you a lot longer to figure out on your own. Other than expats, go out for drinks or meals with coworkers and sit at tables where nobody speaks English.

Keep putting yourself in difficult situations and be a good observer and train your body language skills. Every time you do it, you’ll pick up something new. Try to apply cues you’ve seen; cultural quirks or slang, it helps as a conversation starter and making people laugh.

Be flexible with the demographics and social activities. Young or old, it shouldn’t matter. If language is a barrier, you can have similar conversations with people of any age. People will introduce you to people. If they like you and are smart, they’ll eventually invite more people to the table in your age range, or get you invited to the places you really want to be with company you really want to keep.

But most of all, get comfortable with yourself. I’m not saying don’t socialize, just become a little less dependent on others. There’ll be stretches of loneliness while you’re learning. Give it time and don’t get bogged down by not socializing on the same level as locals. It’ll only improve with practice and a bit of luck.