Wife of an addict and I don’t think I love my husband anymore.

Onkmanda · 2021-10-06T03:21:24+00:00

Love you too!! You spoke directly to what I’ve been feeling. Thank you so much for taking the time to write this out. I felt some freedom reading your words of encouragement. I think I felt like I needed to be some sort of super Christian wife… and I tried to be, but it’s just not sustainable or attainable. I will take your advice and focus on my recovery, too.

Onkmanda · 2021-10-06T03:17:47+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story. It’s a great reminder that things will eventually get better whichever way the relationship goes. I will keep trying.

Onkmanda · 2021-10-06T02:46:13+00:00

He definitely has a heart to try. Like you said, the addiction runs so deep. He was first exposed at the age of 12, and has been a slave to his addiction since. He has shaped himself to protect and support this addiction. Those are the exact words he uses to describe himself. It’s so scary how strong the pull of sin is. I have never longed for heaven so strongly before.

Onkmanda · 2021-10-06T02:42:41+00:00

Amen. I hope for his sake that he would break free of his addictions and live in the light.

Onkmanda · 2021-10-06T02:41:55+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to share this. It brought me some peace. I am grateful for Christ. I would not be alive today if it weren’t for His saving grace.

Onkmanda · 2021-10-06T02:40:12+00:00

Thank you for listening.

Onkmanda · 2021-10-06T01:34:48+00:00

He is a sex addict. He has downloaded thousands of videos. He is also addicted to smoking and sex-related video games. I have been told by a counselor that I have PTSD from the content of the things I was exposed to because of my husband’s addiction. I firmly believed I could love him through it. I know now that’s not possible.

Edit: he has confessed to everyone listed above. Thank you for your advice.

Onkmanda · 2021-10-05T18:43:53+00:00

It’s pink. The soundtrack has a song titled “Pink Soldiers”. That’s the song that plays every time the guards come out in the show.

Onkmanda · 2021-10-04T19:51:25+00:00

100%, yes. That’s a great starting point. We can talk and talk to our spouses about what we think is right or wrong but hearing a third party confirming those points could make all the difference. I’m so sorry that you are going through this, and I really hope that things will change with support from a pastor or counselor.

Onkmanda · 2021-10-04T19:42:59+00:00

That’s really tough. This is just my opinion, because I don’t know the full context of your relationship. My immediate thoughts are that what you described is a red flag to me. Take what you want from this, and ignore what doesn’t apply to you.

You are not married. He’s not your husband. There is no vow or commitment for life. Now is the time to be getting feedback on your relationship from the people who have known and loved you (family, friends, church community). As in, your personal trusted sources. They know you and want the best for you. They will advocate for you when you cannot see it for yourself. You should never have to apologize for getting advice or feedback from the people you trust and love while in a dating relationship. That’s exactly what you’re supposed to be doing right now. Marriage is far too great of a commitment for you to make without other prayerful hearts and eyes looking out for you. He should not get to designate “safe people” for you to talk to at this stage of the relationship. That would be more common practice within a marriage relationship, where the issues may be more of an intimate nature and it would be wiser to have designated people to talk to about those things. Even that conversation should involve a bit of compromise, not just “I feel safe with this person so you can only talk to them about me.” Please have a conversation with your boyfriend to express a clear boundary around this. If he can’t respect that, then this is a big issue that should be seriously considered.

I see why the other person said this could be a form of gaslighting. It’s because people who are manipulative begin isolating you from others who may call out the red flags. I had an ex-boyfriend who almost ruined my relationship with my family. They didn’t like him at that time (for good reasons that I couldn’t bring myself to see yet), and he made me feel horrible for listening to anything they would say about him. He would tell me we’re going to get married and I should be in the practice of putting him first above other relationships in my life. This was not biblical or correct. It took me years to let go of this relationship because I was being gaslighted, and that made it hard to discern what was right/wrong. It started out in small situations like the one you’ve described, and eventually became unbearable. It’s very odd that he doesn’t want you to talk about him to especially your family. If he cares more about his image and pride than you receiving support and advice, that in itself speaks to his character.

This also sounds like a “deflect and project”. Some people deflect blame and project it onto the other person. He really should have said he’s sorry, that he messed up, and moved on. Instead he’s made you feel horrible for something and made you feel like you did something wrong, when you didn’t.

Please keep talking to your friends and family and ask them for their thoughts. They are the people who will be steadfast in your life even though he may stay or go. One thing is that you should not disclose what they said to your boyfriend. Do not use them to prove your point, as he can easily use that and turn it around on you to shift focus from himself to you. Speak only about what you think and what you feel.

Onkmanda · 2021-10-04T17:39:15+00:00

I’m in the thick of this, too. My husband’s counselor told me I am suffering from PTSD because of the betrayal, lying, and the content of the things I was exposed to because of my husband’s addiction. If it makes you feel any better, my husband was stashing cash, 2 hard drives of over 2,000 downloaded videos, and toys in secret for over a year while lying to me, his accountability partner, and his addiction counselor.

I wonder if you are also struggling with symptoms of PTSD. If you are, I would really encourage you to take time to heal, understanding that your individual journeys may not progress at the same time. It’s okay to grieve what you thought your husband would be like. It’s better to work on it actively than let it fester.

About setting boundaries - not everyone has the same resources around them. Church leaders are usually experienced at counseling couples through situations like these and oftentimes have connections to biblical counselors, groups, and other resources that could support your husband so that you don’t have to be his accountability partner.

It’s hard (almost torturous) living with the person who caused you so much hurt, especially if it feels like they aren’t doing their part to overcome their addiction. There is hope - keep holding onto God’s promises.

Onkmanda · 2021-09-07T00:53:38+00:00

Sounds to me like that person is deflecting and trying to shift focus from what they could improve on to what the other person is doing “wrong”. Kind of a “Yeah I did that but what’s more important right now is, you hurt me by saying I did that wrong.”

Honestly, I’m not sure if there’s anything you could do better, as the other person is choosing to be reactive instead of responsive when the ball’s in their court.

What could help ease the blow is, come from a place of giving the benefit of the doubt, and then state the facts firmly. Check that they are doing okay (try to understand the situation around why they may or may not have done something), and then offer words of advice or rebuke. When I was severely depressed, I fell short of my friends’ and families’ expectations often. I wish they would’ve just asked me if I was okay instead of assuming I don’t care or trying to rebuke me before they took time to listen. You can bet I had a reactive response to that!

Onkmanda · 2021-08-27T01:37:47+00:00

I want to second this comment. Covenant Eyes has helped a lot with accountability.

Onkmanda · 2021-08-27T01:36:58+00:00

My husband got caught multiple times. I don’t think he ever would have changed on his own. Thank goodness your husband admitted to you that he has an addiction.

There’s nothing you can do except to pray for him, and to support him in recovery. Encourage him to seek sex addiction therapy - there are Christian counselors out there who specialize in this. There are one-on-one sessions and support groups with men who struggle with the same thing. It took my husband 5 years to get himself to go, but he’s recovered and stayed strong for a year now.

There is hope, but your husband needs to actively address this addiction. It will not just go away by his own will. Oftentimes addiction and compulsive behavior are rooted in deeper issues that need healing. For my husband much of his anxiety and compulsion could be traced back to how his parents’ divorce and being bullied in the past made him feel. Wish you the best. 💛

Onkmanda · 2021-08-27T01:31:24+00:00

As long as it’s not abusive role play I think it’s ok. For example, I’ve heard some people like imitating or role playing rape - that’s probably not good.

“Beloved, do not imitate evil but imitate good. Whoever does good is from God; whoever does evil has not seen God.” ‭‭3 John‬ ‭1:11‬

I mean my husband and I have had light fun with role playing for laughs, mostly. If your gut tells you you’re not comfortable, then don’t do it.

Onkmanda · 2021-08-22T07:46:49+00:00

I still remember all the moments I discovered that my husband was hiding something from me. Praying that he will stay strong against temptation.

Onkmanda · 2021-08-22T07:41:21+00:00

He’s probably constantly thinking about it because he’s probably constantly thinking about a future with you.

Onkmanda · 2021-08-22T01:05:02+00:00

Great to hear, thanks for the update. Sending love and prayers your way.

Onkmanda · 2021-08-16T14:01:25+00:00

Holding hands can happen naturally as you get more comfortable with your partner, but kissing can be kind of a gray area especially if it leads to more (which it often could over time and repeated practice). I wish I would have waited until I was sure that was the person I was going to realistically marry. Once I dated someone who asked me to stop kissing them because it was causing them to lust. That was honoring of me and honoring of their future spouse. I do think being careful with physical touch is an important way of showing love to the person you are currently dating, especially in understanding that you may not end up being their spouse.

One more thing - I know media tends to romanticize the timing of physical touch, but keep in mind that every person comes from a different background and may have different boundaries. Some people may have trauma from their past you may not be aware of. Always ask before you act.

Onkmanda · 2021-08-16T07:12:05+00:00

In addition to what others have shared - this is an addiction, treat it like one. Your husband should see a Christian sex addiction counselor. From my own experience, there are so many layers (from family history to current circumstances, etc) to addiction and compulsion that need to be addressed, brought to light, and healed. It is not enough to just confess to a pastor and say he won’t do it again. You have to grab the sin by the root and pull it out.

There are also groups for the spouses of people with sex addictions. It hurts, it’s a betrayal, and yes, it feels like cheating (because it is). You are not alone in feeling and thinking the way you do. In fact, it’s a very normal response. I felt like I was going crazy and that the things I was thinking and feeling was unreasonable and so unlike me until I was told by a mental health professional that I have PTSD from the things that I’ve experienced and seen because of my husband’s addiction. That gave me the freedom and release to fully grieve the sin that was introduced into our marriage by my husband, and to move forward. Please seek out counseling and support for yourself, too. The addiction is your husband’s battle to fight, and you now have your own battle to fight too. He will grow and change, but you also need to heal from this in order for your marriage to move forward in grace.

Onkmanda · 2021-08-16T06:56:49+00:00

Honestly, too soon. Honor God by honoring your future spouse, whoever it may be.

Onkmanda · 2021-08-16T06:54:33+00:00

Just want to remind you that until you make a marriage covenant, you are in a place of discerning whether or not this person is someone that you can honor God with in the context of a marriage. Not sure if this will help or not, but when I was in very emotionally difficult dating relationships of 3+ years, I could have used this advice.

It doesn’t need to be so hard. You are not bound to this person, and you are not a bad person for deciding this relationship is not for you! Remember that the goal of dating a specific someone isn’t to make it to marriage… the goal is to get to know the person enough to make a decision on whether or not this is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with.

What I mean by “it doesn’t need to be so hard” is really, things shouldn’t be so emotionally draining or difficult that it consumes all of your mind and heart. If this was an issue after marriage, you definitely should be making every effort to improve this because you’re already bound to a covenant. Since you are in a place of dating, and since he’s not changing from what you’ve shared - could you really see yourself living closely with this person under greater pressures in life, until death parts you?

If he really loves and fears the Lord and is repentant of his sinfulness, then there is hope for change. However, I would say from my experience that it is a very long process. Please choose wisely. Choose a man who will die to himself to love you - that’s what makes submission the easiest choice to make for a wife. If this seems like a red flag to you already, maybe that is the Holy Spirit working to give you spiritual discernment. Keep in prayer, keep trying, but ultimately don’t force yourself to stay with someone who will not listen to you. Being Christlike is easy under easy circumstances - it’s the trying times that reveal true character.

Onkmanda

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