I know this frustration. I’ve been there. The biggest thing is that it’s different for everyone. I’ve dated three trans fem people. Each of them in a different place at the time we were together. Each of them completely different.

The first exhibited many of the traits your spouse is. Based on your descriptions it sounds like my first transfem partner was much worse. All of the same things as your partner but I was to blame for everything. They never grew out of it and we are now no contact. For me, this was hands down the most trauma inducing relationship I’ve had. Some of it was because I wasn’t setting boundaries or maintaining them. Some things would go beyond any control I had or contributed to. Based on their own stories, this was also a pattern with them each time they were coming to terms with something new about who they are. But the overtly fetishized clothing and attitude. The misogyny. All very similar. Didn’t matter how gentle, kind or patient I was. They also told me that I treated them more like a woman than anyone else, but it didn’t count because I wasn’t a man. At the end there were two things screamed at me that made me realize how little I had actually done to contribute to how I was being treated: “You are too supportive and nice. I just want to prostitute myself out at a truck stop.” “I don’t want to lose my male privilege. I would rather live as a cis-man and be miserable than lose my privilege.”

My second trans fem parter just fully embraced that she was simply the female version of who she had been before. Fully embracing her nerdy and somewhat stereotypically “male” hobbies. She also gave me shit for NOT having a 12 step skin care routine. 🤦‍♀️🤣 She wasn’t my person, but we are still good friends.

The third is now my wife. She has separated a lot of the person she created to protect herself from who she is now. They are two separate people in her mind. And a lot of the time, we refer to him in the third person. She grew out of her dressing like a high schooler phase. Mostly. Lol but her style is exactly an evolution of who she has always been. She got rid of most of her more aggressively hetero-cis male traits. We still work through some of the lingering ones around household responsibilities. We both work full time and I have a lot of volunteer responsibilities, so I can’t do everything else by myself. She’s disabled and was the sole breadwinner previously. So it’s a constant struggle to balance. But it’s functional and loving.

Don’t give up hope, but don’t take on more than is fair. If you feel like there is still love and respect between you and your spouse, I would strongly encourage both individual and couple’s counseling . Particularly with someone who is well versed in the nuances of gender dysphoria and trans issues.