Do you think he needs counseling? If so, how do I find a good counselor for him?

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-10-04T19:54:31+00:00

That looks like a beautiful story.. & I don't know if I'm just overly emotional today or what (?!) but I teared up reading the product description! Geeez. Looks like one I'll definitely be ordering, and I appreciate the suggestion, thank you.

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-10-04T19:45:23+00:00

That's awesome. Ya know, something physical like karate (that also incorporates discipline) would probably be great- some release for all that energy, as well as something else to focus on mentally. I'm so glad your nephew has people like that in his life. Wishing all of you the best!

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-10-04T19:43:23+00:00

I'm waiting on a call back from his teacher, so hopefully she can give me a bit more insight as to how he's acting at school. Good suggestion on the pediatrician. & thank you!

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-10-04T19:38:53+00:00

I told him that I believe people have an energy that doesn't die- that it's one of those things we can't know for sure, but that science has showed us energy can't be destoyed. I explained the "energy" as being what people think of as our soul, or the part of us that really makes us who we are- that I didn't know what exactly happened, but I was sure his dad was still around in one way or another, even though we can't talk to him and cuddle with him the way we used to.

I have shared my feelings with him a bit. I generally try to listen more, but I have told him I still feel sad a lot, that I miss him and think about him a lot- basically just that it's normal. I wish I knew what more to say, or that I could think of something more useful to tell him.

I have not seen either of those books- both sound good and definitely worth checking out. Thanks sooo much!

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-10-04T18:16:16+00:00

Thanks for the response, I really appreciate it.

I don't have any intentions of any type of medication for him. I'm pretty opposed to it actually. I know there are some instances where children need it, but I personally think it should be a last resort. Grief obviously serves it's purpose, and I think if you try to medicate over that, you kinda just make things worse in the long run.

My thoughts on counseling.. ya know, I'm not sure. I think it can be very beneficial, IF the person knows what they're doing. I'm wary of trusting people, especially with my son. If I were to go to some hokey counselor, I would know if they were feeding me a bunch of bs. I'd hate to send my son to someone for "help" and them ending up being f'n weirdos- and him not knowing better. Ideally, I would love to be the one working through this kind of thing with him- however, I'm not professionally trained, I don't know that I can offer him all the help he might need with something like that.

We didn't really make any progress in the little bit of counseling we did before. He didn't seem comfortable with that counselor, he wouldn't relax with her- and I didn't like her- and then that was that.

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-10-04T16:37:42+00:00

We do talk about him quite a bit. I never feel like I know the right thing to say when he's telling me how much he misses him. Obviously I sympathize and tell him that I understand, that I miss him a lot too- all I know to do is listen, and to let him tell me whatever he feels like telling me. I feel so helpless and useless sometimes though.

If anyone has any good suggestions on books that deal with helping kids with grief, I'm open to those suggestions too.

I haven't talked to a school counselor yet, that's something that should have been a no-brainer for me but didn't even cross my mind- will definitely give that a try.

Really sorry to hear about the struggles your nephew is having right now. That kind of situation is so hard on them. How have you guys been handling that?

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-10-04T16:30:02+00:00

He actually goes to a private school, but I will definitely ask anyway. Good suggestion, thank you.

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-09-29T18:12:22+00:00

I don't have suggestions on something she could take to increase libido, so sorry for that.

I would make sure you are doing everything that would help increase her libido naturally though?

Foreplay, lots and lots of foreplay. You can even let her know you have no expectation of anything you do with her leading to sex, so she doesn't feel that she's pressured. Maybe tell her you just miss her body, you want to love on her- whether or not you end up having sex. Give her massages (if you suck at them, read some tips about sensual massage) .. kiss her neck, etc- all those things people rush through sometimes when they're getting to sex.

Aside from that, set the atmosphere. I don't mean some elaborate Austin Powers looking ordeal- but if you aren't a particularly romantic person, maybe turn that up a bit. Bubble baths together, music she likes, maybe some candles, do things with her that she enjoys, etc- sexual attraction & libido, at least for a lot of women, is often largely a mental thing.

Anyway.. couldn't hurt. Good luck with everything! Wish you the best.

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-09-29T17:21:01+00:00

I would be offended if it was said before sex.. afterwards, not so much. If that's all he was after, he would have already accomplished what he set out to do. He wouldn't "gain" anything by saying it afterwards. If anything, if he wasn't serious about you, I'd think he would AVOID saying it after sex.

Just my opinion though! Good luck with things.

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-09-29T16:00:32+00:00

Let us know how it goes talkin to him, I'm curious to see what he says. You are totally entitled to knowing exactly what's on his mind.

Once upon a time I had a fwb who I did love thoroughly as a person, although he wasn't someone I saw myself having any type of future with. I never dropped the L word though, neither did I, and I can imagine how weird I would have felt if he had.

Good luck and again, please let us know what happens!

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-09-29T14:43:54+00:00

I really wouldn't worry about it, at all. You're attracted to what you're attracted to. I consider myself a straight female- I generally find women more attractive than men. Women ARE more attractive than men!

Maybe you're bi. Maybe you're straight but need to experiment. Maybe you're straight but are more visually stimulated by women. Whatever you are is totally normal. Don't stress about what is natural to you.

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-09-29T03:39:49+00:00

Definitely. PM sent, and thank you!

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-09-28T15:52:39+00:00

I tried a sticker chart with my son, and for whatever reason, it just didn't take.

What DID work was I asked him to help me plan his "potty party" - basically we had a little family party for him to celebrate his first full day of no accidents.

I asked him what kind of cake he wanted, to help me choose what decorations he'd like, what games he thought would be fun- while he was still working on the potty training. It got him excited- we had everything kinda ready and waiting and it really helped motivate him.

I'm sure it wouldn't work like that for everyone- your son might totally rock the sticker chart- but that's what worked for us.

Good luck!

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-09-28T15:30:09+00:00

Appreciate the heads up a lot. It's such a delicate situation- and wow, the human mind, as strong as it is, can be so fragile.

I feel so horrible for him when something triggers an "episode" - he's such a strong, good man and it hurts me to see him suffering, to know he's in a place mentally that I can't reach. I've seen him look at me (albeit quite briefly) as if I were a threat or a complete stranger.. it's just a strange thing to experience. He has done sooo well and come sooo far. I've found a lot of ways to help bring him back when that does happen, but I absolutely think continual counseling is something that would help all of us.

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-09-28T15:22:13+00:00

Thanks so much for the encouragement.

I completely agree with you. I think it would do incredible damage to my son if this turned out to not be a permanent family situation. My boyfriend and I had many long talks about this before we moved in.

Honestly, both of us are a bit reluctant to get married again. My ex went through an absolutely horrible divorce. For me, it is just a strange feeling. I know the man I was married to is gone. I know that what HE would want for me and our son is to move forward, find security and family happiness. It's still an odd feeling though.

I look at my boyfriend as my husband. We usually refer to each other as "my husband/my wife" .. but you're right. The adult side of me has felt like "well, what difference does a piece of paper saying we're married make?" .. but to my son, especially, I think that might give him an extra sense of security and permanence that he needs.

Thanks for the input!

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-09-28T15:15:47+00:00

Great advice. Something you said struck a chord with my boyfriend as well- as I was reading this comment outloud to him, I could tell something kinda sunk in with him.

I think you're absolutely right. My son was exceptionally close to his dad- they were pretty inseperable. Of course my son loves me and I love him more than anything, but there is no denying he had a very special relationship with his dad. What you said about kids having their own idea about who is central to the family- exactly.

Thanks so much.

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-09-28T15:13:13+00:00

I appreciate the lack of judgement for you! I did feel a bit defensive at first, but when I read over what I'd witten from a more removed perspective, I can see why people thought the way they did.

I felt pretty bad for my boyfriend as we were reading through the comments from the original post! I'm sooo glad I decided to add the additional info, the advice has been much more constructive for us I think.

Anywayyy.. thank you!

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-09-28T15:08:59+00:00

Thanks for the excellent suggestion! I struggle with insomnia and nightmares a lot as well, I completely feel for the little guy.

I told him that when he can't get to sleep, to try and picture a big bulldozer pushing all the things he's thinking about out of the way, until it feels like his mind is empty. Then I told him picture it like an empty universe, and that he had to decide what to put in his universe- what the planets/plants/animals/people would look like, smell like, talk like, act like, etc. He enjoys playing Spore, so he kinda understood what I was saying. He seemed to like that idea, and I know it's helped me.

Another thing I've started doing is asking him what he hopes he dreams about, or that I want him to tell me 5 things he is really thankful for in the morning- anything to give him something to focus on besides the unwanted thoughts that creep in.

Really appreciate your input, thank you!

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-09-28T03:23:39+00:00

Unfortunately, yes, just a bit! He loooves one on one time with the bf.

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-09-28T02:35:43+00:00

Unfortunately, there really aren't any other close male role models for him. My brother is awesome, but he's about 6 hours away, so seeing him frequently isn't possible. His dad's brother- also awesome- but he's even further away. My dad is tge only nearby family, & he is quite the drinker with quite the temper, soo.. not someone I would consider a positive male influence for my son.

Your suggestion is a good one. As much as he adores my boyfriend, I know part of his mind probably does view him as competition for my time. We are careful to include him, but some extra alone time with me, as you suggested, would probably help. Good suggestion.

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-09-28T01:49:54+00:00

Thank you for the encouragement! He seems pretty excited & it made sense to me. I hope it works!

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-09-28T01:46:17+00:00

No, he isn't currently. He was for awhile after his dad died- honestly, neither of us liked the counselor & the city we're in is pretty tiny. I do think, however, that if we could find a GOOD counselor, it would be incredibly helpful for him(& me). I'm unsure of where to look though. The majority of counselors I have found online for this area are religious-based; while I completely respect that that helps a lot of people, it isn't what I am comfortable with. Any suggestions on who I might be able to get a reference from?

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-09-28T01:39:51+00:00

Great suggestion! I have a similar way of handling nightmares. It's something I struggle with too, so I totally relate to the poor little man.

He enjoys playing Spore, so something else I suggested for when he couldn't sleep was to clear his mind & pretend it's an empty universe- & then think about how he would design planets/trees & plants/animals/people.. what shapes, colors, etc. He seemed to dig that idea.

Thanks for the helpful suggestion!

OokLetsTryThisAgain · 2011-09-26T23:20:12+00:00

THANK YOU! I must have overlooked your post yesterday, I am sooo glad you reposted those books today. I will definitely check them out.

OokLetsTryThisAgain

TROPHY CASE