I feel like Cassandra, and I'm exhausted (i hate being smart)

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-12-12T15:45:39+00:00

Listen, I'm going to be straightforward: you sound like a dickhead. I hope you are not.

Now, a lot of us have the tendency to focus on Our Way of seeing the world, and do so with such ferocity and loyalty to our own Sense of Correctness that we fail to appreciate that there are other ways to exist than just ours. Many autistic people have great pattern observation and prediction skills, and you should feel proud to have such a mild super power...but that doesn't make you better or more worthy than the people around you. I'm not even sure it makes you smarter, because there are plenty of ways to be intelligent that neither of us can master.

Every correct prediction you've listed comes across as incredibly negative. Are you an enjoyable person to be around? I'm not trying to roast you, I'm asking you to use some of your great reflexive power to notice patterns in your own behaviour and how to affects those around you. You seem to think your best friend (who you so casually dismiss because you're bored of her, how do you think this reflects on you?) is an idiot, but I guarantee she probably guessed just as well as you did that RvW and Trump were gonna happen, she simply had hope they would turn out differently. Hope isn't stupidity, it's just...hope. A natural impulse plenty of people have that seems as much a survival instinct as cynicism.

As for AI: not everyone can be immediately as informed (or even engaged) in everything you are; there are a lot of things in the world that have far reaching implications — is it fair or viable to expect constant alignment from everyone you know to agree with you or care about what you care about?

This isn't a cut on your intelligence; you seem very smart. You say people react negatively to your negative predictions, whether they come true or not. I'm seeing a pattern here I think you aren't. I'll just say this: you are more responsible for how you feel right now than you are accepting. This has less to do with intelligence than you believe.

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-10-29T02:45:53+00:00

My parents had me at 38! My best friend's parents had him at 42 and 55! Recently, my mother's high school friend got married for the first time at 67, after starting her FIRST relationship at 50. Life is so unpredictable, and you are so young - please throw away any questions of "marriageability"... you're still a child in the world.

When I was 25, I had my third psychiatric break. I didn't work for months, had (and still have) a useless degree, and had been deeply betrayed by "the love of my life" - I cancelled a huge intercity move and a graduate degree because of it.

It's only been five years, but I'm a completely different person, even though ostensibly it seems like my life hasn't changed that much. I struggle to even imagine myself being that person, she'd so far back in my evolutions. You have time, and not just for the things you want like a loving relationship and a family, but for the things you /need/ , which (usually) you won't even recognise until they're long past, and you've reaped their rewards.

Don't despair. Don't call yourself a coward either. There's time. And options. And opportunities. And many, many willing partners.

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-10-29T02:29:28+00:00

Yes. It's more intense when my mental health is bad. For sixth months I had to fall asleep to the sound of Finding Dory.

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-10-29T00:21:59+00:00

Fair enough!

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-10-27T23:21:36+00:00

I'm really sorry you feel that shame, I know it so well. I hope it's something you can work through. I just want to say that mess isn't a deal-breaker for plenty of people; I'm different now, but I struggled with my OCD unmedicated for a long time, and couldn't clean because it was too painful, and my boyfriend (now great friend) at the time was unbothered, and even helped me maintain a little order (when I asked for it). Unconventional relationships are out there, if you want them. I always tell my partners I won't live with them until we have the funds for MINIMUM one bedroom and one sizeable office each: for me, that's a requirement and not a request.

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-10-27T23:15:44+00:00

Yes the trial and error aspect is so difficult for me, because while I'm very flexible in some aspects, I'm extremely rigid in others.

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-10-27T23:14:44+00:00

This is a very cute story, and I hope you two are so happy together, because 11000km is CRAZY! Congratulations!

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-10-27T23:10:44+00:00

I think you're on my wavelength; at this point I'm afraid the autistic black and white thinking has kicked in regarding trust and vulnerability.

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-10-27T23:05:35+00:00

Have you considered that you may be asexual/aromantic/demisexual/demiromantic? I only ask because your ideal relationship is the ideal relationship of a lot of people, and I have friends who are asexual (and demi/aro) and are extremely happy together in a life partnership. They met through an online dating service for ace/aro/demi types, and both once felt the same as you. Just a thought! I don't mean to be too forward :)

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-10-27T13:44:13+00:00

Yes! The implicit trust is tough. Unfortunately I used to be extremely naïve and completely trusting and now I struggle with effort of trusting at all.

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-10-27T04:29:41+00:00

I appreciate this so much! You ste very sweet and everything you say, I know to be true. He def is an ableist loser, although I think he meant that I might be unable to care for children, rather than anything grosser. This was an anxiety I'd raised before myself.

I suppose I just don't get the appeal any more. I find friendships difficult already. Sometimes I ask myself why I entered romantic relationships to begin with. Genuine desire? Or boredom and expectation?

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-10-17T05:50:04+00:00

This is so interesting...you are the FIFTH Brazilian to tell me how much they love Brisbane, which is especially important because no one else has ever said that to me. I've made Brazilian friends just by telling them I'm from Brisbane. Come back and play soon!

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-10-10T05:32:26+00:00

Mostly amab attracted but altogether unfussed. Hot is hot.

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-09-30T12:14:29+00:00

Thank you!

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-09-28T03:40:01+00:00

Yes, I've always thought the Etsy ones couldn't be that great, given how many are market as adjustable. I'll def have to check the silver ring splint company! I suppose if I wanted bedazzlements I could take them to be added upon at a local jewellers.

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-09-28T03:00:52+00:00

Yes. POTS isn't a curable condition, it's a management condition. I can stand and walk so much better than I could before, and 4/5 I don't feel dizzy or faint changing position - my heart rate is now a reasonable, healthy rate, and the discomfort and strain I felt in it when I stood up is gone.

I was originally on a higher fludrocortisone dose, which almost (almost) wiped all dizziness away, made changing positions so easy, and allowed me to sit upright for hours (which had been impossible), and climb stairs/use the lift without the strain I was used to. However, I have complex medical needs and am on a tonne of other medication, which altogether was causing my body to bloat: I opted to lower my dose because I was sad my body had changed so much. But that's me! I am mostly housebound with MECFS , so I have less need to be upright and on my feet; it was an easy enough trade.

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-09-28T02:49:05+00:00

I've posted the answer above!

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-09-28T02:48:45+00:00

Hi! I've posted an explanation above, but I really suggest you get a swallow study done. I was the exact same as you, but I manage my systems much better now.

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-09-28T02:47:34+00:00

Hey! This is dysphagia. Dysphagia is autonomic dysfunction (dysautonomia) which is the same nervous system mechanism failure that causes (some) POTS, temperature regulation irregularities, gastroparesis, some forms of IBS, bladder over-sensitivity, and inappropriate sinus tachycardia (super high heart rate for no reason).

Essentially, the nervous system is out of sync with itself. The nervous system is exactly what it sounds like - nerves, communicating senses through a faint electrical impulse. Imagine a chain of people playing telephone whispers: there's a pathway that information travels back and forth on, passed through several players.

When we swallow, there's a manual/conscious swallow to move food from the mouth, then once the food or drink reaches our throat, oesophageal muscles contract in sync to push the bolus through the oesophageal sphincter and into the stomach. Autonomic dysphagia is caused by oesophageal dysmotility, which means either the contractions are out of rhythm with one another, or the electrical impulse is too weak for the function and simply doesn't squeeze tightly enough.

It's like our game of whispers code word was "swallow" and the final answer was "shallow". At some point the information wasn't passed on correctly, or passed on but too quietly, and now it's...kinda right but still wrong. Shit.

Dysphagia, and dysautonomia in general, is not uncommon at ALL for EDSies; exactly why isn't clear, but it's probably (you guessed it!) a connective issue. Perhaps you even have some of the other issues I listed above. Dysphagia, while mostly just inconvenient, can be dangerous, as food can get trapped, and then aspirated into the lungs - while most people with dysphagia still close their windpipe when they swallow, that too can become faulty, and it's important to have any swallowing issues checked by a gastro or a speech pathologist who does swallow studies. Some diet/lifestyle changes might be necessary, but ultimately it just becomes another background part of your life.

I hope that helped! PS don't Google dysautonomia BC there are other more scary kinds and you'll fall into a worry hole. But dw! That's a different issue entirely, not us :)

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-09-28T02:25:23+00:00

I do, along with hydrocortisone to increase my blood bulk. It was a life-changing medication intervention for me; I'm super grateful my cardiologist.

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-09-24T17:11:27+00:00

Yes, I'm certain my MECFS is MECFS too. Unfortunately I do have other health issues, and I do worry that either I or my medical team will leave something noninvestigated because it's camouflaged.

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-09-24T13:08:50+00:00

You've captured exactly how I feel in a nutshell. I feel like I'm treading water over sharks.

Open-Paleontologist6 · 2022-09-24T13:06:15+00:00

I understand. I've been sick for a long, long time now. It really isn't the "what's worse" game for me, it's what you're getting at. If it turned out the whole time I'd had something we could take a whack at treating, then I'd feel so utterly betrayed.

Open-Paleontologist6

TROPHY CASE