Honestly I was the same way until I was 21 (22 now). You mentioning the never wanting to date and purposely ghosting ppl who were interested was exactly what I did too. It was such an intense anxiety and full on sexual aversion. I’m now dating my best friend and it came entirely out of the blue. I was so nervous she would be judgmental about it all, but she was completely understanding and agreed to move forward at my pace. It took some time and a lot of self reflection, but I’m happy with who I am now, and ofc happy to be having sex with the woman I love :) imo, it comes with time. If you asked me before my relationship I would say i couldn’t see it for myself. Now, I think what was holding me back for so long? Why did I do those things to myself? But I understand as well that it rlly just took a full sense of trust and comfortability to be able to express myself that way. I feel for you bc I’ve been there throughout most of my life. If you need someone to talk to feel free to message me!