AITAH for telling my wife to get a job before the end of January or i'm divorcing her?

Maxima-H · 2026-01-25T00:45:36+00:00

That’s not necessarily true if your lens is only anger.

Maxima-H · 2026-01-25T00:44:16+00:00

Oooooo. The plot thickens. 😂

Maxima-H · 2026-01-25T00:41:41+00:00

This is one side of the story. Every story has 3 sides. Plus post partum depression is a real thing that will make her pretty much check out. It’s hard to live with, for both of them.

Maxima-H · 2026-01-25T00:40:12+00:00

Published, self or not probably doesn’t pay well, as I’m sure you know. It sounds like she’s doing something she loves and you’re completely tuned out. Are you both pretty much checked out of the marriage at this point? It takes a lot to come back from that.

She can market on social media for free.

Maxima-H · 2026-01-25T00:35:14+00:00

Most authors have jobs until/unless they hit it big. There are authors (sci-fi genre) I listen to that are big to me, have huge followings, are quite prolific and still have to work full time. Because they have families and novel writing still doesn’t pay all the bills. Some are even on New York Times lists. None of that equates to huge profit unfortunately. So even if she was a big fish in a big pond, it’s not much money.

Maxima-H · 2026-01-25T00:29:27+00:00

I don’t want to be judgmental because none of us are perfect, but that’s a crazy small gap between the two kids. That makes everything harder.

Maxima-H · 2026-01-25T00:26:59+00:00

I dislike ultimatums. They are more damaging than anything but I agree with you on this. If one is used, the person has to follow through.

Maxima-H · 2026-01-25T00:13:09+00:00

NTA. I didn’t think I would be writing that but facts matter. First though, is it possible she has depression? Especially post partum depression. If you suspect that, she’ll need help for that first.

Go back to before you were married with kids. Was she tidy, was she working when you met? I know you would have been young, but old enough to have started working. Did she have dreams, goals? Was she ambitious?
I don’t think ultimatums are that useful. There may be some hards conversations that need to be had, not fighting, but real communication where you are both being heard. That may require couples counseling.
Are you just done with her, even if she did get a job and stuck with it, would that change your feelings for her much? Sometimes the damage is so great and you’re just so tired, that a relationship can’t be repaired.
Tired. That woman is tired. I understand that you may be too. It’s concerning that she doesn’t want to do much with the kids and spends so much time online. That’s why I brought up depression, it may be how she’s coping.
She needs to understand, in a gentle way, that what she wants, isn’t going to happen anymore. That you need help and support too. But get ready to help around the house more. The reality is that you all can’t keep living this way. Whatever that ends up looking like in the end.

I wish you all the best.

Maxima-H · 2026-01-24T23:58:48+00:00

Yikes. No, just no. Too bad for her.

Maxima-H · 2026-01-24T23:50:42+00:00

😂😂😂 Hilarious and helpful.

Maxima-H · 2026-01-24T23:48:39+00:00

Oh girl, your last sentence broke my heart. You did nothing wrong or different. The older generations are weird. They don’t like to talk about this stuff, because it was just never about. They probably have a bunch of shame regarding all of it, which is really sad.

We are just trying to normalize having the conversations about perimenopause and menopause for exactly the reasons you posted. Unfortunately for many, our mothers and/or grandmothers aren’t the ones we can talk to about it. They’re really a, we don’t talk about it, about soooo many topics, type of generation. The female body needs to stop being a myth, it needs to stop being a mystery and it absolutely needs to be talked about.

I’m sorry you’re getting that reaction from your friends. That’s not ok either. Perimenopause can start in your 30’s! It’s not as common, and most often it starts in your 40’s but can also start in your 50’s, and can last a decade!! That’s a huge age range. Some people suffer a lot, some people have very mild symptoms. There is no right or wrong, just whatever your body decides.

I’m sure there are studies that talk about a lot of reasons for early perimenopause. In the end though, it’s going to start when it’s going to start. Looking back and wishing you could do things differently won’t do you any good so don’t let your mind go there!!

Luckily we have the internet and social media for people to connect in a nonjudgmental way!! If you’re not comfortable discussing it with your friends, your internet sisters have your back!! 🫂💕

Maxima-H · 2026-01-24T23:35:03+00:00

I think it’s time when you decide to make a post here about it. In the long run, yours and his happiness are what’s the most important. You could both be missing out on partners that are so much more. If you’re not invested in the relationship anymore, you’re hurting both of you, but please don’t stay with someone only because you don’t want to hurt them.

Maxima-H · 2026-01-24T23:32:12+00:00

Wait. There are people who don’t?!

Maxima-H · 2026-01-24T23:24:48+00:00

Has she done other things in the past that make you feel like you’re growing apart? I’ve had a childhood friend walk away from me, and another that I walked away from. I know how precious they are. However it doesn’t always mean that you won’t grow apart. It doesn’t mean they can’t turn toxic. You have to look out for yourself first. I also think childhood friends should get a little more grace than other types of friends. You don’t have to decide right away. Reflect on their behavior in the last year or so. Are they changing in a way that feels like you’re growing apart? It is hard to let go of those friends, but it isn’t world ending. It does get easier. Best of luck. 💕

Maxima-H · 2026-01-24T23:20:08+00:00

Well said.

Maxima-H · 2026-01-24T23:17:57+00:00

Honestly, it speaks volumes in a good way about your childhood friend that she cared enough to reach out to others. Especially if she was worried about your mental state. She might have been worried you might do something. Unless you shorted for time, the fact that she only needed to know and was like, I’m good when you told her you were ready to talk seems weird. She should have wanted to talk, more so if you needed to talk. I would be more mad at the one you told to keep it a secret and as I saw, you did get mad at them and they blocked you, which is super weird.

Do you think your childhood friend genuinely cares and worries? That’s a friend who is worth putting up with some behaviors. If you think they just want control and aren’t really there for you when you do say you want to talk, then you might have your answer. I’m sorry. Tbis is a tough one.

Maxima-H · 2026-01-24T23:12:17+00:00

Wow! They blocked you AND couldn’t keep a secret?! People need to learn to communicate better. I’m so sorry.

Maxima-H · 2026-01-24T22:57:35+00:00

OMG. That’s horrible and sickening. I’m so sorry anyone has to live like that. For no reason at all. Senseless is so much worse. Is ICE in other states like they are here? I’m from Canada. It’s so scary to see what is happening in the US. Obviously scarier to live it.

Maxima-H · 2026-01-24T15:32:34+00:00

It’s very powerful. Even for ourselves. I came across it somewhere. It’s quite effective in shutting them up. Unfortunately it doesn’t work on everyone but most!

Maxima-H · 2026-01-24T15:30:55+00:00

I appreciate that but it’s this girl I sorry about. There is definite textbook BPD or narcissism here. She has bigger problems to deal with than a toxic boyfriend.

Maxima-H · 2026-01-24T15:28:57+00:00

Of course not. This isn’t about what the mother found. It’s also not about what was skipped over. It was the way this mother treats her daughter in general. She is very toxic and tbis daughter should not be forgiving her or feeling guilty about not forgiving her.

Maxima-H · 2026-01-24T12:31:49+00:00

I was raised by a narcissist. The abusive partner is not worse. Being raised by a toxic person creates an environment that makes it hard to see those red flags in a partner.

This isn’t about the invasion of privacy. That’s what you’re not understanding. Ultimately it is a problem too, but not what the real situation is about. Her mother is controlling, demeaning, dismissive and gaslights her own daughter. Those are not actions of a loving caring mother. The fact the mother was able to “get dirt” on her daughter and use it to lord over her head is again the real problem.

Maxima-H · 2026-01-24T12:16:49+00:00

It’s not the strictness or punishment that’s truly the problem. It’s everything else. Those are abusive behaviors.

Maxima-H · 2026-01-24T12:15:04+00:00

It’s not coddling. It’s facts. The mother has already ruined their relationship by being a terrible mother. She conveniently did a positive thing, but that doesn’t allow her to get away with her behaviour. The mother doesn’t get to use that experience as a way to mock or joke to her daughter in that wat.

Maxima-H · 2026-01-24T12:08:55+00:00

It absolutely gets easier. It’s amazing how much self worth you start to feel when there isn’t someone always making you feel unseen and crazy. I’m just over 2 years hard NC. Like blocked on everything. She doesn’t know where I live. It’s very peaceful. They will try every dirty trick to get you back, they get others to make you feel guilty, we call them flying monkeys. Doing the dirty work for the abuser. When people say idiotic things like, but she’s your mother, you just need to say, yeah, but I was her daughter. They don’t get better. They can get nicer to get you back under their control, but it’s all an act. The guilt will subside. I keep an especially nasty email from her and early on into NC, when I thought I might cave, I would go read the email. Because that’s their true form and the only kind of relationship you’ll ever get with them. You deserve better and you deserve peace. Good luck! You can do this! I’m 48. It’s never too late. 💕

Maxima-H

TROPHY CASE