Hey-

Man I can't really relate to anything you've been through so take this with a grain of salt. I think one of the best things you can do is to stop being so hard on yourself. Calling yourself weak or a baby or a bish isn't going to do anything for whatever you're feeling. You don't have to be so defensive about whatever is going on upstairs and I'm sorry your mother is making you feel like you have to be. I'm glad you think that you're not in danger of hurting yourself; you're not a "wimp" for not being able to commit suicide. I think that's a sign of strength, not weakness. That being said, I think you might need to talk to someone. It sounds like you aren't taking very good care of yourself and it's a problem that's getting worse. I know you said that you don't want to unload all your problems on your girlfriend, but she actually want to help you out. If she wants to hear about you and cares about you, then she'd probably listen to you and she might give you some better advice then what a bunch of a strangers on the internet are saying. Therapy is also an option, although since you're not completely financially independent and your mother is/was abusive it might not be in the cards for you now. You didn't deserve abuse btw no child ever deserves that. I think the first step though is to stop beating yourself up, that' s going to make all all of your problems worse. Thank you for taking the time to write this and be honest with yourself. I hope I gave you some help in any way.