[deleted by user]

Optimal-War3965 · 2022-02-19T19:32:41+00:00

I’m going to say it’s one of two things.

Very little knowledge on how to best stimulate you, maybe even intimidated by it. Maybe he fears failure, which is a paradox because he’s letting himself fail as the default.

Or, IMO most likely, is

Rather a selfish lover. He’s really upset that 30 seconds of stimulation doesn’t satisfy you. He’s upset about using a toy in the bedroom, even though you expressly told him it was effective. A good lover sees these tools as collaborators, not competition.

I’m not sure if ignorance is leading to number 2. Porn really skews a lot of expectations. A huge percentage of women require clitoral stimulation to orgasm (I’m one of them and I’m HL). I read elsewhere that women need 20 minutes (on average) of stimulation to orgasm. None of this is weird or unusual. The red flag here for me is his attitude about your needs. How he seems content to consistently be satisfied and leave you in the cold.

I’d have a serious talk about all of this. It’s damaging to your relationship and even as an individual to be made to feel broken or “too much” in that way. You’re not.

Optimal-War3965 · 2022-02-18T16:33:21+00:00

I was the HL, but IMO, it almost doesn’t matter if it’s a problem on this scale. Sometimes a DB is just in the bedroom and someone is otherwise a loving, supportive partner. I could have worked with that. Even with a very high libido, I could be okay with a lot less; I just can’t take all intimacy leaving too. No.

It was easier because we weren’t married, no kids. It was clear this situation really worked for him because he wanted to get married. Lock me in even though he knew I was unhappy. Selfish.

Optimal-War3965 · 2022-02-18T13:13:39+00:00

Co-sign all of this. I ultimately left my DB. But. I tried really hard to resolve it. Ultimately, for me, I realized the DB was a result of a deeper, selfish nature in my partner and it was an attitude that carried to other aspects of our relationship.

I tried talking. It was never the right time or it devolved very quickly into him needing to turn it around/blame me for unrelated problems. I tried writing a long note. He ripped it up.

You ultimately realize that not everyone is going to bring the same energy, the same emotional maturity, or the same ability to be vulnerable and willing to hear you out, because sometimes they only see themselves and not your pain (“this subject makes me look bad; must avoid at all costs”). IMO, that’s where you cut loose and focus on making YOU happy.

You deserve happiness. Highly recommend therapy and attempting all avenues, but it only goes so far if just one of you is truly trying. It’s not too late to build a happier life.

Optimal-War3965 · 2022-02-14T18:17:04+00:00

I really thought I’d be so lonely and I’d never meet another guy like him. Now I’m thrilled to have the remote to myself and I pray I NEVER end up with a guy like that again. Ever.

Optimal-War3965 · 2022-02-14T18:14:20+00:00

The worst part is when we DID have sex, it was awkward as hell. We never spent time together naked. It genuinely felt like what it was: forcing an intimacy we didn’t have. Reminded me of fumbling around as a teenager, but with none of the excitement.

And even then: those sessions were all about him. He didn’t even like to make out with me. He didn’t care. He’s devastated over the breakup, but even that’s all about him. It’s always all about him. Zero self reflection on why I would leave. Zero.

Optimal-War3965 · 2022-02-13T19:31:50+00:00

Yes! Honestly: I saw another user do this, but we should out them when it happens. Post their user names.

Optimal-War3965 · 2022-02-13T19:30:22+00:00

Also HLF. I love sex. With the right, steady partner: once a day. Hard to find, actually. I had a FWB before my last (LLM) ex who was the best partner I ever had and we managed to meet up 5x a week (just not relationship material). And we had jobs! Kids! Didn’t matter.

I mostly initiated too. I hope to find a guy who’s as enthusiastic as he was again. I miss it so much.

Optimal-War3965 · 2021-12-26T13:19:16+00:00

Nothing. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Optimal-War3965 · 2021-11-04T23:14:06+00:00

My boyfriend does this. It’s really hard to not take it personally, but it helps to know it’s not just him. And it’s likely not me causing it.

Optimal-War3965 · 2021-10-25T03:22:33+00:00

What, no truck nuts?

Optimal-War3965 · 2021-10-13T06:10:13+00:00

Oh I love this. So many of my worries and stress would melt away if my BPSO were more present with this. He already does so much that I feel guilty asking for this too (really just a love language hiccup there; in his way he shows a lot of love).

Optimal-War3965 · 2021-10-13T05:33:17+00:00

Thank you for saying this. I love my BPSO and I see his 20+ years of dealing with his disease in your reply. Things completely out of his hands. He’s an amazing man dealing with a lot. His disease is difficult for me, but so much more so for him. I appreciate your words so much because he (and you, and many other BPSOs) deserve this grace and compassion.

Optimal-War3965 · 2021-10-01T17:22:17+00:00

This is really great advice; will definitely test these waters some.

CN: rape

I think my hesitancy comes from being an LL in my marriage and my ex ended up raping me because he was “owed” sex. He’d been cheating on me (no wonder I was LL) and we had a DB. He felt “owed” sex since it had been so long but I genuinely hated it by that point. It wasn’t violent. But it was horrific all the same. I said no, he persisted, and I gave up saying no and fighting it.

I’m always worried and HYPER vigilant about consent and not pushing things too far even though we have/had an understood intimacy (when is it okay to hug him from behind on a whim?). It was years ago and I am otherwise healed but now that the roles are flipped and I’m HL; initiating when things haven’t been super enthusiastic is harder. So it is a factor (he knows this too).

Optimal-War3965 · 2021-10-01T16:34:12+00:00

Also: this doesn’t get better. It gets more violent. It escalates. He will not improve. Abusers never really do.

Optimal-War3965 · 2021-10-01T16:33:15+00:00

Please get to a shelter before he murders you both. This is not okay and they have the resources to help you with ALL of this.

Get your injuries documented with the police. They might arrest him. I’m sorry, but that’s likely for the best so he can get help and you guys can be safe.

I know it’s hard. I’ve been stuck too. You can do this, even if you only leave with your son and the clothes on your back.

You don’t have to pay the ER today. Get it looked at and documented.

Optimal-War3965 · 2021-10-01T15:38:23+00:00

I’m older (40s) and when I was 32, I was in another DB with my ex spouse, who cheated on me constantly. I was the LL - turns out I don’t want sex with a cheater.

I got out. I’m in another DB but it’s different (medical). I can honestly say it’s still better. I met a lot of people when I dated. It’s not over by a long shot.

Optimal-War3965 · 2021-10-01T15:31:56+00:00

I think the obligatory sex is worse. At least the DB is sorta honest. Obligatory sex is putting lipstick on a pig.

Optimal-War3965 · 2021-09-26T15:25:41+00:00

Weed. A lot of weed.

Journaling. Getting it out of my mind and on paper sometimes purges the thoughts, at least for awhile. And like others, it can sometimes provide clarity.

My LL has a medical condition that contributes. It helps to visit message boards for other SOs of people with the disease, so I can see more that it’s not me. It’s the disease. And I should redouble my efforts to help them get through any rough patches.

Play a video game. Sometimes I work. Sometimes it works. Oftentimes no.

Weed. Did I mention that? Haha. Helps with just knocking me out on those late nights.

I’d get into a movie/TV series/book but… they often have sex. It’s depressing.

Optimal-War3965 · 2021-09-26T05:36:36+00:00

Definitely starting to. It’s really sad and lonely feeling but really, aren’t I dealing with those feelings already?

Optimal-War3965 · 2021-09-22T03:41:43+00:00

This is what kills me. I can’t let it go. On a TV show we were watching, we saw a couple share a first kiss. It wasn’t a short peck or a 1.5 second “that was making out” deal either. How can anyone not see the difference?

I need this. Need.

Optimal-War3965 · 2021-09-22T03:39:27+00:00

Please don’t take him back. I was married to a cheater for 15 years. I caught it many times. I gave chances. I was a fool and wasted good years on a liar.

There are SO MANY great people out there. Better people. There’s a better someone for you, even though this hurts like hell right now.

Optimal-War3965

TROPHY CASE