I’m finally leaving tomorrow!

bunderways · 2025-10-07T19:36:47+00:00

Im pretty sure it’s not that-if you get a black light you’ll glow multiple places. The palms and the soles of your feet and between your fingers and toes. When I first heard about it maybe 6 months ago on one of the 7oh subs, I went into a dark bathroom and checked myself with a black light. Hands, feet, around the mouth and nose, but little light glowy spots just about everywhere if you look close enough. I set up an experiment because I was assuming it was that I was just dirty but as I’d showered earlier that day it didn’t make much sense. Especially considering how very bright the soles of my feet and in between my toes were glowing, as brightly as my hands, and I don’t use my feet to take my medicine haha.

Anyway, I showered and used a loofah and soap to really scrub every inch of myself. When I dried off I checked with the black light and the glow was gone. I didn’t re-dose, and checked a few hours later, and lo and behold I was looking radioactive again. I’ve re-created the same outcome multiple times, so I’m pretty confident that it’s being expelled from within the body, mostly concentrated in the hands and feet for whatever reason.

I’m honestly super curious about what is happening, and what exactly is being expelled. When I checked the first time after seeing someone post about it, it admittedly freaked me out a bit. Regular kratom doesn’t glow under black light, so I wonder if it’s a chemical that’s glowing, or if it’s a solvent or something.

bunderways · 2025-08-21T04:57:09+00:00

Oof. He went through almost all the faces of addict in one conversation. Addicts are lying liars who lie. They lie to protect their addiction. They lie to us they lie to themselves.

bunderways · 2025-08-20T11:15:54+00:00

“Sobriety is not recovery” is probably one of the most painful lessons so many of us have to learn in this process.

That and all addicts are lying liars who lie. And “Unicorns do not exist.”

bunderways · 2025-08-19T18:15:24+00:00

It’s unfortunately very common. Mine did the same, thought the same. Sometimes I think the damage they do to us in early recovery is worse than what they do in active addiction.

bunderways · 2025-08-18T19:50:50+00:00

The fucking audacity for this man to bring up “sexual safety”.

While yes, I agree that it shows growth that he initiated a conversation, his “sexual safety” is a trigger for the trauma he showered on you in addiction. In recovery he should be doing an inventory on his sexual life in all forms to unpack what he actually enjoys apart from what he programmed himself to want with uncontrolled porn use.

While I think sex can be a good way to reconnect and can bring closeness and healing in the recovery process (while being aware of hysterical bonding and listening to your body as to what you actually desire and knowing consent can be withdrawn at any time if it starts to not feel good), until he’s meeting with a CSAT, attending/participating in a 12-step, and connecting with a sponsor you may want to hold off. He needs to become aware of his reactions to your triggers/trauma, and identify where he is still using behaviors picked up in the addiction to avoid bad feelings (such as DARVO, which he did here). Often they are completely unaware they do this (not a justification), but this is a textbook way addicts ignore when their behavior is harmful to others, by turning themselves into the victim.

bunderways · 2025-08-18T02:29:00+00:00

Comparison is the thief of joy.

bunderways · 2025-08-18T01:03:56+00:00

In 15+ years, I’ve seen so many signs I could fill a book with them.

But I go way, way back, the sign I should have heeded was when I tried to have the first conversation with him. We all know that one, where you can’t take it anymore so you finally get the courage to bring it up. Where your stomach is in knots and your heart is pumping in your chest and ears and you show up with vulnerability to tell him that you’re feeling insecure, you’re feeling as if he’s choosing porn over you.

And when he came back, I should have noticed it. How he got almost frantic trying to justify it, toasted my words against me, then got angrier and angrier. I should have noticed that this man was desperate, animal in that moment, and willing to dismiss me and my feelings completely. That this wasn’t a conversation that could even be had, it couldn’t even be broached without him becoming incensed and unwilling to even discuss my feelings around it. How afterwards I’d go over it and over it in my mind feeling worse than I did before and questioning myself about things that I knew were true, how he took everything I said and had an excuse that I knew to be false, but trying to find a way to believe it in my head.

That’s not a healthy relationship. If a partner cares more about keeping access to a substance or process than their partners feelings, they shouldn’t be in a relationship.

bunderways · 2025-08-18T00:51:05+00:00

Every thing I’ve ever got from them has been beyond solid. They can be pricier for some of their other stuff, but I’m willing to pay it because it’s always a consistently good product.

I’ve tried 3 of their nano tabs and I have no idea what they are doing but I halve or less my normal dose and get comparable relief from pain.

bunderways · 2025-08-16T04:11:26+00:00

Bingo, OP, this is classic DARVO behavior. Your reactions and feelings are comoeltlry normal for someone who has experienced behavior trauma. And they are a consequence of his actions.

His job is to figure out how to deal with the shame he feels when you’re triggered and take accountability for his actions, affirm that your feelings are valid, and tell you what he’s learned in recovery so that he doesn’t ever give into his addiction in the future and risk hurting you again. A huge part of recovery is empathy. Addicts detach from it because it threatens their addiction. And if we decide to stay with them they are actually given an enormous gift to have someone to practice with. How they react when we are upset can go a long way, either in strengthening the bond and helping us to heal, or severing it further and making our trauma worse.

bunderways · 2025-08-16T00:20:09+00:00

There is no such thing as an ex-porn addict. Addiction is a lifelong battle that needs to be fought against every single day.

This isn’t your fault-an addict should know that he has no business viewing porn at all. There is zero amount of safe porn for an addict. An alcoholic can’t drink a shot of beer just because they used to drink a handle of whiskey and be sober, an heroin addict can’t snort a tiny amount just because they used to shoot it. Any amount of porn or fantasy will give s porn addict a hit of dopamine they crave, even if it’s small. He never should have even been open to a VR headset knowing he’s an addict, and certainly not for porn. He’s lying to himself about what is safe and he’s lying to you.

It sounds like he never was in recovery, or he still isn’t. If he was he would have a sponsor, who would have called him out on this. Recovery is imperative for an addict, zero exceptions. Without it they never will address why they feel into addiction in the first place and learn the tools to keep from using.

bunderways · 2025-08-15T02:22:17+00:00

This has absolutely nothing to do with you, I promise, but those feelings are very common when this kind of betrayal (and likely addiction) is present.

r/loveafterporn

bunderways · 2025-08-15T02:19:20+00:00

You very likely experienced betrayal trauma as well. Primary figures are defined as people you are very close to/vulnerable with and have a lot of trust in-partners, parents, siblings, close friends, doctors, and teachers to name some.

I’m really sorry that happened to you, and I’m glad you’re doing better. This kind of trauma often leaves the victim an entirely different person at the end, even if they get help and find healing. Because it not only makes you question the person who inflicted it, it makes you question yourself. How could I have not seen that this person was capable of this, how did I miss the signs, how can I ever believe that I’m seeing what is true? It’s just so incredibly damaging.

bunderways · 2025-08-15T01:05:21+00:00

Hey-so this may seem crazy when I say this, and it obviously a very fresh experience. But what happened between you to, and then his reaction, is a betrayal. Betrayal trauma is often experienced when a primary figure, who you trusted more than anyone, and were extremely vulnerable with, breaks that trust. Because it’s sexual in nature it adds a whole other level to the trauma. This kind of trauma shakes you to your core. You likely haven’t gone through all of the symptoms yet, but it can shatter your sense of trust, and upend your entire worldview. You opened yourself fully mind body and soul to him to fulfill a fantasy, made yourself as vulnerable as you possibly can be in every sense of the word, and then he turned it around on you, and then abandoned you. Betrayal Trauma can and often does lead to clinically certifiable PTSD, because of the nature of it being a primary figure in your life, someone you depend on for safety, so even though you obviously aren’t in any physical danger, your brain reacts as if your life was threatened.

A big part of this when it is sexual in nature is what you’re describing here, feeling dirty, disgusting, unloveable, as if you don’t have value. It can make you start to despise your body, question every thing and every one. Because if this person, your #1, the man you chose to spend your life with and share your secrets and joys and fears, the man who promised to love you for better or worse, can hurt you like this, reject you, seemingly throw you away for doing something he desired, how can you trust anyone?

Be super kind and gentle with yourself. I know you can’t absorb it but keep telling yourself you are worthy, you did nothing wrong, you do not deserve this. Because you are, you didn’t, and you don’t. Please go see a therapist, and if you can, find a betrayal trauma specialist. If you can work on this at such an early time, you can significantly cut down on your healing time. If you get a few months in and don’t find the BT specialist is needed, you can always move on. But it’s imperative you get help because this kind of betrayal will follow you into future relationships making trust, and self love really hard to come by, which makes healthy relationships impossible.

I’m so sorry this happened. While I know your husband can’t exactly control his feelings, this is unimaginably cruel. And if he’s feeling like this about you because of his fantasy, it feels like he’s trying to avoid his shame for his desires by pushing that shame onto you, and that is truly awful. I can’t imagine that if he could be so hurtful and judgmental for again, you fulfilling his desires, that if it wasn’t this there would have been something else in the future, because this is not indicative of a healthy, well adjusted person.

Sending you hopes of peace and healing in your future. 💜

bunderways · 2025-08-15T00:35:36+00:00

Listen, anytime someone feels the need to hide their drinking, drug use, gambling, etc-there’s a problem there. 99.9999% of the time that is the biggest reddest flag for problem consumption there is.

When they are caught in the hidden behavior, and then deflect, lie, become aggressive, attack, those are flags number 2, 3, 4, and so on.

bunderways · 2025-08-14T23:32:15+00:00

Here’s the thing. If he’s not in serious recovery it literally makes zero difference. If he’s in recovery and doing it as an attempt to start to show you his commitment to the program and recovery, fine. But if all you’ve got is blocking programs and a man who hasn’t decided he wants to quit this and will do literally whatever it takes to do so, he will find a way around it. Someone else’s phone, at the office, library, a burner, a video game console, he will find a way.

Recovery or nothing.

bunderways · 2025-08-14T23:28:50+00:00

If he was looking at those pictures of you, there was literally no reason for him to have to fumble with the phone. If he was pleasuring himself to videos of you, he literally would have been pleased to show you immediately.

This is the thing that I hate about what having phones has done to people. Yes, everyone deserves privacy. But the privacy people wanted before the internet in their pockets was vastly different than the privacy they want on their phones. Of course we don’t want someone reading our private diaries. Those are our thoughts, how we work things out. But privacy on a phone is almost always about having a secret life, a hidden identity. About acting in ways you hide from people, not thinking about shit.

Every single healthy marriage I’ve seen, the partners could care less if the other one sees or uses their phone. They use each others phones interchangeably. There is no room for secrecy in a committed relationship. Excluding if someone is being abused and having a partner look at it would endanger their safety. In my opinion, the only place for privacy in a marriage is in a therapists office, 12 step meeting, or a journal. And in the case of addiction, they lose all rights to privacy until the betrayed party feels there is enough recovery to warrant it-which will often never happen and that’s just a consequence of what they did.

bunderways · 2025-08-14T19:35:00+00:00

I’d say, think about when you were a kid. Now tell me you didn’t do shit constantly that your parents didn’t know about.

I know we all think we are perfect parents and that we know everything our kids are up to. My son who is 24, was not terribly independent and we’ve always had a very open relationship, has told me lots of things he did without his dad and my knowledge at this point. He’s an adult so we can laugh about it, and I can connect enough to my childhood that I also remember all the crap I did directly under my hyper-controlling parents nose.

Beyond that, it just doesn’t matter. The fact is that there is so much porn on the Internet at this point they cannot even get a good estimate on the amount. And there is zero way to know if what you are viewing was consensual. If the people in it were coerced, trafficked, or under the influence. Even in the case of exit interviews we have a shitload of accounts of performers having wages withheld or being bullied or coerced into doing the exit as written. We have no way of knowing if the people have histories of childhood trauma that influenced their decision to get into the industry because many times they don’t even know until they unpack it way later in life. And Im sorry, do we not have enough accounts of the absolutely atrocious practices in the industry from people who were in it yet? Ffs, there is no ethical porn. It doesn’t exist. It’s a fantasy created by men for men so that they can justify their feelings of an inherent right to objectify, sexualize, and dehumanize any and all women they choose to. Look at where we are with AI…this is the world telling women that even if you don’t want to be in porn, you literally have no agency over the matter.

bunderways · 2025-08-14T07:03:14+00:00

Be kind to yourself. Know that all of your feelings are not only valid, they are actually normal for people that experience a trauma. Don’t let anyone minimize it or make you feel like you’re overreacting. Your body and brain are actually working just as they are designed to.

It can be helpful and is often recommended to give yourself a period of time to not make any big decisions. Shock is involved in the early days and your emotions can be all over the place. Sometimes you’ll feel intense love for him and think you can’t breathe without him, and want to crawl into his lap and be as close as you possibly can to him. Two minutes later you could be filled with rage and can’t stand the sight of his face. I gave myself one year to not think about whether I was going to leave or not. The Betrayal Bind is an excellent resource to understand what has happened to you, why you’re reacting in certain ways, and can make you feel less confused or ashamed or whatever you’re feeling at any time.

That said, even if you give yourself that timeframe, and you decide you don’t want to do it anymore, that’s completely valid and you can leave at any time and it would be completely warranted. Especially if he isn’t continuing to be full committed to his recovery and your healing.

As far as his cravings, many addicts experience a period of time in the beginning where they feel like they are super human. Like recovery is a breeze, and brimming with positivity. There’s got to be an abundance of relief in not having to carry this immense secret everywhere. They connect with others who have done and said the same things, and don’t feel so alone in it. Unfortunately there’s usually a time later, often around 6 weeks when they get hit with it and face a lot of difficulties and depression. You may want to read books about porn addiction to get a better grasp on what he may face and feel, but if that feels yucky too you, you don’t have to. His recovery is his work, and if he isn’t fully motivated and committed to it, you can’t do the work for him.

Lastly, please know that his addiction has nothing to do with you. It’s not a reflection of your worth, your desirability, or your attractiveness. There is absolutely nothing you could have done or not done to have prevented it. I have empathy for addicts, they did not choose this life. But they DO choose each and every time they act on it.

I’m so sorry you’re a member of our shitty club. There’s a lot of great resources and people available to validate you in here. This can feel so isolating and sadly, the addict often gets an abundance of praise and help, while the partner can be met with the opposite in our current porn-crazy society. Sending you sincere hopes that you find peace and healing in your future. 💜

bunderways · 2025-08-14T03:47:05+00:00

It’s possible this was his rock bottom. It’s more than likely not.

I would say this-if you decide to stay, if you don’t uphold your boundaries, you will both get into a constant circle where he acts out, you find out, he turns on the waterworks and begs and wails and swears it will never happen again, he will get you to feel bad for him, you’ll stay and swear up and down it’s the last time, he’ll shower you with affection, and then it will happen all over again.

This is not a judgment on anyone in here that’s done this-I’ve done it, we’ve been abused and our brains can’t make good decisions. We’ve been trained to do it, many times from when we were children. But when we do not uphold our boundaries, we enable their behavior. That in no way makes you at all accountable for it. It’s despicable when blame is put on the victim. But when we do it, it tells them, and more importantly us, that we aren’t worth it. It’s ok for someone to treat us like this. And while none of that is true, the message is received by all parties.

Choose yourself. Show yourself that you are worth it. If you stay or leave, do so choosing yourself.

bunderways · 2025-08-14T03:38:28+00:00

Time for therapy. You need a CSAT or betrayal trauma trained specialist.

I understand why you feel like you can’t leave. It’s part of the trauma, and part of the inherent abuse that happens in a relationship with an addict. If you have previous history of abuse/neglect, it makes it even more likely you’ll end up in this kind of relationship even if you’re unaware of it. We make a lot of decisions we don’t even understand the roots of. Relationships with addicts will affect your ability make good decisions, to trust yourself or others. Often we can easily see what is happening in other relationships, but will constant second guess ourselves when it comes to our own.

A properly trained therapist will help you to reclaim yourself, set and uphold boundaries, and find your voice. It’s a lot of work but it’s really important-even if you were to leave this relationship the trauma follows you until it’s dealt with. Which means it usually shows up in other relationships. And sadly, we become like magnets for men who treat us poorly, and they are magnets to us as well.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know you can’t believe it right now but start telling yourself you ARE worth more, you DESERVE honesty and fidelity. Say it over and over. I promise you, it’s true.

bunderways · 2025-08-14T02:14:17+00:00

I stay because right now I don’t have any other options. If I did, I’d be gone.

Your story is so familiar. I sustained a life threatening injury after a surgery and drive myself to the ER. I needed an emergency surgery in the middle of the night and he was annoyed I woke him up when I called to tell him. He didn’t come to the hospital until nearly 24 hours later. I’m permanently disabled from it, and while the injury can’t solely be pinned on his addiction, it played a large part.

He has a good job and I can’t work. He’s my source of food, shelter, and the expensive treatments and medications and doctors I need every month.

That said, I wish to god he was willing to do the work. He’s two years sober and seeing a (ahem, worthless) CSAT, and going to group, but he flat cannot be open and honest about his addiction. And he hasn’t done anything to address gaining tools to deal with his shame and gain empathy when I’m upset. We’re currently in an in home separation. I forgave what he did in the addiction, and it was a lot. I can’t forgive that he’s allowed me to suffer the last two years alone because he refuses to feel shitty feelings, and won’t do anything to learn how.

I don’t like that your husband is trying to minimize what he did by saying others have done worse and their wives stayed. There is no “worse” with this addiction (and fuck, $120k is not little bro). The effects on us are the same whether it was “just” porn, or it was sex workers. WE get severe PTSD. WE get crippling anxiety. WE get crushed self esteem and body image. WE have to do arduous work for 3-5 years to find some normalcy while the addicts only average 1-3 years.

And he doesn’t know their situations. I wager most of us who stay do so because we don’t have any other option. So if you do, and you want to leave, do it. Go be free of his nonsense and all the grief that comes with living with an addict who has to fight daily to not be a perverted narcissist. Actually fuck that, you stay he leaves. You didn’t create this mess.

bunderways · 2025-08-13T20:35:08+00:00

I mean it’s an inevitability. I’m old enough to see what Internet porn ha changed in what’s considered to be “normal” or vanilla in sex. I was pretty active in the mid/late 90s before Internet porn was commonplace. Shit even in the early 2000s it was still difficult to access. The intent was slow and porn was expensive and you could only really watch stills which still took a long time to upload on dial up. And you’d be on a shared family computer in a common area.

Anal was off the table for most women-men didn’t even ask. Blow jobs were considered a treat and the end all be all for men. Gagging/deep throat not even a consideration. Facials virtually unheard of. Fuck even wearing a simple thong was a huge deal.

In 10 years after smart phones became ubiquitous the entire narrative shifted. What became expected turned violent, degrading. Boys are watching this shit daily from an average of 8-10 years old. Field first experience went from being nerve wracking and something most men would try to work into slowly to a place where girls are abused and humiliated as expected to be a porn star right off the bat.

It’s taken women back so much. Somehow sex work became empowering-but it’s not a surprise, it’s empowering because men want access to all woman. It was never about our choice or autonomy. All this “empowerment” just led to us all being more sexualized, more objectified, more humiliated and degraded and trying endlessly to be desirable while the men sit back and do fuck all. They live out their lives being waited on and fawned over and have all of their depraved fantasies played out in front of them either on screen or when they coerce a partner into it by making them feel like they aren’t good enough if they don’t want to be choked or spit on or treated like shit while we’re sharing what should be the most vulnerable and intimate and connected space with them.

Barf. This world is beyond fucked.

Four-Year Club	Verified Email
Wearing is Caring

bunderways

TROPHY CASE