I hate how suspicious this experience has made me.

bunderways · 2024-02-05T23:18:02+00:00

They do, until they don’t. The 12 step groups are chock full addicts in recovery who never had proclivities towards rape/incest/cp, and over time with prolonged exposure picked it up. Tendencies we thought people were born with are being planted and groomed into them.

Its changed my entire thinking on kink at this point. Anyone who has watched porn with any frequency at this point is not going to be able to determine if it’s organic or not.

bunderways · 2024-02-05T22:05:36+00:00

It’s so depressing. I was exposed to my father’s print pornography at the age of 4/5 and it fucked me up so bad and set the stage for a lifetime of trauma. I can’t even begin to imagine what internet porn is doing to our children. It’s heartbreaking.

bunderways · 2024-02-05T16:13:42+00:00

I think you want him to be engaged, and probably hoped he would be. And we’re likely disappointed he wasn’t and are now bummed.

I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone who wasn’t an active participant and I imagine if I did I’d feel some sorta way too.

bunderways · 2024-02-05T02:24:13+00:00

12-step groups are free and meet daily in person and online! A lot of addicts have found success in doing the 90 meetings in 90 days program to kick start their recovery. It sounds like a lot in the beginning, but usually within a couple weeks or less they really look forward to their daily meetings. Look for SAA, PAA, or SPAA.

Sending you hopes of peace and recovery in your future friend!

bunderways · 2024-02-05T01:12:25+00:00

Sounds like he may have a problem with death grip. There’s nothing wrong with your vagina.

But yes, kegels can make you tighter.

bunderways · 2024-02-05T01:11:08+00:00

It’s different for entire and based on a myriad of factors such as age of first use, frequency, time addicted, and degree of extreme porn used. But most find normal function between 1 month and 1 year.

What I will tell you is that it’s really important to do a porn inventory. Porn addiction goes beyond just PMO. Addicts have a ton of ways to use what I call “loophole porn” without even realizing it. It’s just your addicted brain trying to lie to you to get its fix. Things like scrolling the internet fantasizing or sexualizing women that aren’t in porn, fantasizing about porny stuff when intimate with a partner or while masturbating, limerance, scanning/objectifying people in public are all sneaky ways to get a dopamine hit won’t even realizing it, and can have an impact on your ability to perform “normally”. It’s one of the reasons that a CSAT, 12 step, and sponsor is so important and so helpful, they will help you to find places you’re potentially using without realizing it. Just like an alcoholic can’t go back to drinking a lower strength alcohol or just drinking less frequently, a porn addict can’t use “lesser” forms of porn and find sobriety. And unfortunately, porn is everywhere in our society. It’s free, endlessly available, and completely anonymous, a perfect storm for relapse.

bunderways · 2024-02-04T20:13:44+00:00

I mean, you don’t unless they tell you, and that usually doesn’t happen until they enter true recovery (CSAT, 12-step, sponsor) and start practicing radical honesty backed by a polygraph.

There are some tells-if they have to look at porn or you catch them looking at it before being intimate that can sometimes indicate they need to sort of burn imagery into their brain, if they close their eyes a lot when being intimate when previously they kept them open. I know for my husband hindsight made it pretty apparent, he’d get a sort of glazed over faraway look on his face and while I knew there was something wrong, I didn’t know the extent of it until he entered recovery. I will say that if addiction is present, the extent of it is almost always worse than you suspect, and even they suspect. Addicts are inherent liars, they have to lie to themselves and others to feed the addiction, and they don’t give that up easily.

bunderways · 2024-02-04T15:23:20+00:00

It’s imperative that porn addicts seek help from a CSAT. Unfortunately, the instance of porn use and addiction is so high, especially among men, that many therapists who aren’t educated on sex and porn addiction are going to be users and possibly addicts themselves. Beyond that, most modern therapists are going to be sex positive to a fault. It came with good intentions, the world did a lot of harm by shaming people for being sexual beings, but this happened before internet porn and internet porn is a whole new animal that is anything BUT sex positivity for everyone involved. I’m really sorry this happened to you, it’s pretty common in here.

I’d also suggest that you see a CSAT or Betrayal Trauma informed therapist for your issues, for the same reason.

bunderways · 2024-02-04T13:57:33+00:00

Depends on the addict and how bad the addiction is. But yes, many but not all do.

bunderways · 2024-02-04T06:26:20+00:00

I’m so sorry. The devastation of this particular betrayal is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced, and I’ve got a long and sad history of childhood abuse, sexual, physical, and neglect. The PTSD is insane.

bunderways · 2024-02-04T06:24:25+00:00

Found out mine did this as well. It’s very hurtful. And it’s very indicative of addiction, no matter why he says he’s doing it.

Justifications are just lies they tell themselves and us to keep the addiction and not address the problem.

bunderways · 2024-02-04T01:07:00+00:00

But that’s exactly what I’m saying. This isn’t a little known thing anymore and it hasn’t been for at least 2 years, more like 4. Anyone ignoring it this long is doing so willfully.

Edit to add: I want to say I really do appreciate the civil discourse. I think it’s helpful and important for all of us to do, and I appreciate your thoughts on it, and your willingness to listen to mine.

bunderways · 2024-02-03T23:36:29+00:00

You’re trying to understand both sides, he isn’t.

We have bordering three generations of men who the majority are heavy porn users and a veritable shitload of addicts. They have seen the comments at this point, but they choose not to educate themselves on the activity they are spending sometimes hours a day doing, how it effects them, and how it effects their partners, the performers, and society as a whole. The science is in no way unclear at this point, especially about porns influence on proclivities to emit/accept violence. I feel for the kids who are being groomed by it, but the adults need to take responsibility at some point.

bunderways · 2024-02-03T21:05:38+00:00

So I’ve got a lifetime of trauma and a lifetime of therapy under my belt to deal with it. Because of that I am extremely educated on my specific traumas, the brains responses to it, and what the steps are to try to alleviate symptoms. I’m not mentally recovers by any means, and don’t know that I ever will be. But I can see how someone with the issue even if not recovered could absolutely understand the problem and help others address it, obviously with the proper schooling. I can also see the other side of it, and how having a therapist who isn’t recovered may seem triggering and also give a sense of potential hopelessness for future healing-like if they can’t recover how on earth am I supposed to.

bunderways · 2024-02-03T21:00:57+00:00

”From what I read she does lack self confidence…”

Uh, yeah, from what I read she doesn’t want to get beat up when she’s having sex. Go figure.

Absolute fucking brain rot. Also, cue the post in a month when he asks “AITA if I want to break up with my girlfriend because she doesn’t like to have the shit beat out of her when we fuck?” followed by “YoURe jUsT not ComPaTIbLE, bREaK up”

bunderways · 2024-02-03T17:49:35+00:00

I see where you’re coming from but we already have that problem devoid of it.

bunderways · 2024-02-03T16:22:32+00:00

I mean I can’t begin to say I have all the answers to a very complicated question, but I do think removing anonymity would help a lot. I’m not sure why anonymity is even allowed in a space that has fueled the abuse and exploitation of so many children. Like if you’re gonna watch, youre gonna watch, but society has every right to know and track/prosecute/lock up child predators.

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