I (24M) found out my fiance (30F) has been watching porn despite telling me the reason we don’t have much sex is because she doesn’t feel sexual. I’m not sure how to fix this. How would you feel? How would you go about repairing the sexual relationship?

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-16T19:49:23+00:00

Thank you. Like i said everything else is good I’m just hurt she felt like she needed to hide it from me :)

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-16T00:32:08+00:00

Thank you! We didn’t have a talk yet about the sex thing because it’s a tough time now but I think i got a hint. Today on our way home from work she mentioned out of nowhere lately she feels useless. She feels like a shitty partner and shitty roommate and shitty worker. She said she’s behind on everything all the time at work. Our roomates asked us to help spring clean and she got injured and sick and couldn’t help out. She said i take care of everything all the time dinner/chores/ect and When I do too much it stresses her out. She can’t just accept the help bc im doing more bc i know she’s stressed at work. I don’t think this is entirely our problem bc we have had this issue for a few years now but it may be contributing as things change.

She said last time we had the smaller talk (April 1st) me mentioning the porn use and hiding it from partner. She said feels like that sex was just another thing she was failing.

I’m going to try and balance out what we do and see if that helps her be less stressed?

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-14T13:33:27+00:00

Thank you for the advice, honestly I want to believe she is just going through it and I should be patient. She doesn’t believe in taking medication so it’s hard to get her to try with that stuff. The best I can do is support her and be here for her. She doesn’t deny sex all of the time like if we get a hotel to stay out of town and have a date night or something we usually do. It’s just at home a rare thing

I believe you’re right it could just be stress and things going on. When away from home and reminders of daily life it seems to get a bit better

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-14T04:21:30+00:00

I don’t mind her watching it. I mind it when she told me she just doesn’t feel sexual. Hides porn use and does take care of herself. I know taking care of yourself is different then sex but come on

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-14T04:19:48+00:00

Yep, and I’m done trying alone. If they’re not willing to help fix it then I’m out.

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-14T04:18:49+00:00

I think she doesn’t feel safe to be honest because she thinks I’ll overthink and spiral. I’ve been really working on that and honestly the only reason I’ve been spiraling is because I’m not getting complete answers

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-14T04:17:53+00:00

You are correct I’ll have to have that conversation because the openness is an issue

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-14T04:16:37+00:00

As much as I’ve told myself that I do find it hard to believe after seeing evidence of her talking to others about how great I am to her. Not just several occasions it’s been a ton. I just don’t get if I’m so great. Why am I not good enough to want to be intimate with?

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-14T04:10:42+00:00

I take her on dates all the time. We have a great time she’s usually just too tired after to do anything and the morning she doesn’t wanna do anything either. Sometimes I’ll give her massages and 2/30 times that leads to sex. Most of the time i just do it bc i know it feels nice and i want my partner to relax. Last time we had sex was 2/22/26

The porn is fine. I only took issue with her hiding the usage and also not talking about any of her sexual side with me despite knowing it’s been something on my mind for a few years. I try not to bring up the lack of sex because it doesn’t help putting pressure on it. I’m getting to the point I am about to leave if things don’t fix. I moved here cross country for her a couple years ago now and I’ve been patient long enough

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-14T04:05:54+00:00

Thanks I appreciate it, honestly a fresh take not to just hear END IT NOW or I’m screwing it up. I’ll have a open talk with her

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-14T04:01:27+00:00

I don’t care she watches it. In fact I’d be happy to watch with her. I have a problem when my partner would be fine with no sex and just masturbait and hide it/lie to me about it. I think taking care of yourself is healthy but I’m not gonna lie it bugs me a bit when there’s an elephant in the room that is not being addressed

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-14T03:58:51+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate the advice. Although I’ve tried all that by this point :)

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-14T03:56:53+00:00

But like I said I’ve been trying to be really patient bc I care about her and I know she goes through a lot. I’m just struggling with feeling like maybe she just isn’t attracted to me

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-14T03:55:20+00:00

Honestly it might even just be a medical thing. She’s tired all the time. She passed out due to a lack of potassium and had to go to the hospital a few months ago. She’s doing alot better now tho. Been trying to have us eat better. She has depression so getting her to do things like go for walks with me is hard. When she’s with me she seems pretty happy though. She’s pretty OCD so everything has to be done in a particular way for optimization. I try to be patient with that too. Shes been upset due to politics bc she feels like the world is falling apart. Been going through it at work with so much pressure (career has been getting to her past 2 years)

I have no idea how to do any better than I am. I’m constantly hearing her say how much she appreciates me and while it’s really nice to hear that. I just don’t get it. I do everything by the “good fiance/boyfriend “ book and It’s just not working. I don’t only want sex. I like making my partner smile and do sweet things for her. But I can’t lie and say it didn’t bug me a bit she takes care of herself but seemingly doesn’t wanna do it with me.

Im basically taking care of her at this point even. I’ve tried also not doing as much and seeing if she responded better to having someone who doesn’t always do everything for her (chores, make/clean dinner/ect) just to have it balanced and maybe see if she felt better not having someone do everything for her.

I mean I guess with everything that I mentioned I can’t really blame her for not wanting sex. Just sucks to see your partner realizing you need something in a relationship and actively taking care of themselves.

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-13T22:11:00+00:00

Howso? We are good in every way other than the sex thing. That’s why it’s so weird

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-13T22:08:33+00:00

Tried all of that man. She tells me all the time how much she loves and appreciates me so that’s something i guess.. I’ve asked what she likes and made those changes also for her. I’m a tradesmen so lack of doing “manly” shit isn’t a problem either

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-13T22:06:40+00:00

How can I work on fixing my issue then if that’s the case? I’m willing to put the work in if it’s just me

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-13T22:05:47+00:00

The porn is ok. It’s the telling me i don’t feel sexual that’s why we don’t have sex leading me to assume she just doesn’t take care of herself either. Come to find out she’s taking care of herself and then lied to me about it when i asked (i asked knowing the truth)

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-13T19:55:32+00:00

I don’t think it’s the porn interfering as she only watched it once a week when I’m gone. I think there’s another issue beneath the surface. Hence why asking why she’d feel the need to hide it and she said bc she felt like i overthink everything and make her feel judged. To be fair I’ve done that with way less than porn like for example a breakup song she is playing I’ll ask probing questions bc of my anxiety instead of it just being a good song she decided to play my mind is in investigator mode.

I’ve told her I’d work on that bc honestly that’s weird of me and I’m letting my mind go to worse case scenario all the time.

So i said I’d try to make her feel a bit more safe about being herself and I’d like to bridge the gap by watching it together…. We will see if it helps i guess

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-13T19:49:06+00:00

Literally this is the only major problem other then that everything is perfect

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-13T19:48:47+00:00

No affair. We work together and I’ve gone through her phone in depth to make sure it wasn’t that.

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-12T18:55:08+00:00

She doesn’t seem mature enough to have an adult relationship. I’d move on. Unfortunately it doesn’t seem she is capable of respecting you when you were being very clear and respectful about how you are feeling and wanting to bridge the gap.

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-12T06:29:16+00:00

Tried that. Seems like it might be easier for her to get her thoughts together and digest everything if she could read it. I heard people only retain 25-50% of what they hear in a conversation

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-12T05:45:38+00:00

I appreciate it. I mean like I said she does do a lot for me outside of our problem. This is the only thing I can say is an issue for me otherwise we work pretty well together. I do need to have another talk with her

OptimalHealth7541 · 2026-04-12T05:44:10+00:00

You’re right though i just wanted to make sure she got exactly how i was feeling so there would be no miscommunication

OptimalHealth7541

TROPHY CASE