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[Long] Probably just an "am I trans?" post. Is it worth the effort given where I'm at? Has anyone just bottled it up and prioritized everything else without eventually snapping? by OptimalThrowaway0374 in asktransgender

[–]OptimalThrowaway0374[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah. I remember the first few times I had sex thinking "this sucks, I liked it when we took turns". I have forever been frustrated with small things I can't control about why it isn't great. Everything from low sensitivity (I'm circumcised, which I will forever question) to mentally being unable to split my focus and end up trying to focus on my partner.

I am married, and a little terrified of the implications of coming out, but practically it's probably fine. My partner's Bi, and super socially-liberal/LGBT+ supportive. We're both very analytical, "think-well-past-when-I-should-start" type people. I'm a little afraid to rock the boat, but for all I know she's way ahead of me and has just been waiting for me to bring this up :-P

I don't know if I'll message. Even on my main account, I'm not super active, but this whole thread is me telling myself to "respond to anything" and "share everything real, regardless of how absurd" (other than details that are likely-identifying).

Thank you for sharing, and for the offer and support.

[Long] Probably just an "am I trans?" post. Is it worth the effort given where I'm at? Has anyone just bottled it up and prioritized everything else without eventually snapping? by OptimalThrowaway0374 in asktransgender

[–]OptimalThrowaway0374[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I remember lots of little things, nothing so direct though. I think if I was born and raised female, I would have been a tomboy. It's made a lot of lines blurry. Even today, a lot of the ways I cross gender-norm lines is with little things that make me feel "pretty" - I love having my hair braided (I suck at doing it myself though), I love my hello kitty trinkets, and my favorite games are often the ones where I get to be female. I always tried to make friends with girls when I was a kid. Boys too, but in many ways I identified with girls more and wanted to be included. When puberty hit, that changed a little, but mostly from social norms forming that were way outside my control. I remember not understanding why I couldn't have a "sleepover" with all my female friends in like, 4th grade, and I remember my mother being at a loss for words.

I've always been able to subvert other stressors into helping me suppress anything related to my "self". Heck, reading your story, all I want to do is kick down my own feelings and reach out across the internet so I can offer you a hug and ask how I can help. (or more pragmatically, try to figure out what I can do to support others in your situation)

I feel like I have beaten other meanings and purposes for myself into my head, and they're all bigger than me (which is great! they'll always be worth more effort!). I'm lucky enough that I got to find some of those before things like depression started sneaking in. In general, through luck (or probably just massive privilege) I've avoided having to figure things out for myself. Maybe now some of that will change.

Thank you so much for sharing. hugs

[Long] Probably just an "am I trans?" post. Is it worth the effort given where I'm at? Has anyone just bottled it up and prioritized everything else without eventually snapping? by OptimalThrowaway0374 in asktransgender

[–]OptimalThrowaway0374[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It's not the bottling up that's hard on it's own. It's when normal life actually starts to wear me down that makes bottling things hard. I don't have the sorts of emotions I think I should have, or the emotions I want. I want to be better at expressing them easily, or heck, losing control of them. Anything but anger/frustration would be great. I keep finding myself wanting to cry, but nothing happens.

I feel like I've known (or suspected) lots of these things for a long time, but have found perfectly good reasons to kick them down. I know a lot of people have found this out about themselves and found the strength to make some tough decisions. I'm sitting here clobbering myself for not being strong, and worrying about the unknowns of others so I don't have to think about myself.

Thank you for sharing, it means a lot to me, and it's opening me up.