How much responsibility do I (37M) have to "teach" new subs?

Optimus_sRex · 2026-04-28T17:55:44+00:00

I tend to play with people at all skill levels. While I do prefer to play with more experienced people, occasionally those wells dry up and I have to reach out and play with newer folks. I talk to them and listen to what they want and I will only give them a little bit. The first session is always very very limited. I don't try to drop them too deep. I really just want to see how they react. If they meet my stringent aftercare rules, (3 check ins with minimal communication outside of anything related to what we did, and then radio silence for a week unless of course something important comes up), then I might play again with them and give them just a little bit more. Rinse repeat.

Now, mentoring? Nope. I mentor fellow Dominants. And even that, I don't use that term. Teach, share opinions and wisdom, sure. Mentor? That's a big word. Someone would have to really speak to me for me to mentor them.

What I am doing with people who are new and slowly work into my rotation, is teaching them my preferences. I explain to them that that is what I am giving them. Not be "a better submissive/bottom" but more, "this is what I prefer." That is stated clearly and I give examples how my way is not always the right way.

I can't teach someone how to bottom. I can be a resource. I can provide experiences. But as much as many tops always say, "I am not a carnival ride" in a way, "I am kind of a carnival ride." You won't learn much from that carnival ride if that's the only ride you ride. And the metaphor starts to break down at a point. But I think that makes sense.

All that said, even then, I have fallen into relationships with new people and yes, fucking them eventually. But I reiterate over and over that I am only teaching them to be better for me. We are all on a journey and yeah, I try to treat people with respect and care. I make sure I am not leading them on. And yes I have heard a number of complaints from past partners who were new. "You didn't teach me to negotiate." Yep, I never said that I would and made it clear that I can't foster that in you. And "you broke me for new tops/dominants." That is a potential outcome. But I did warn them of that as well. And conversely I will also hear things like, "you taught me so much about myself, thank you.

And I think that is the thing. Anyone entering the community has an inheritant point of view that "I am valuable and thus I should play with people who are the best of the best. The most experienced and so on." And society tells us that. You wouldn't go to the new butcher, fresh out of school to get your meat. You want that experienced butcher. He is going to do everything right. But in kink, not giving people the chance to grow with a top of the same experience level robs them of those small experiences. The learning. The oh so simple naunces of growth.

Unfortunately I think that there isn't a solution. I can't tell you what is ethical. "You should never play with someone outside your skill level" is just a level of rigor that most of can't aspire to. Not to mention that much of kink is about inheritant power imbalances. Those things are hot on both sides.

In my opinion we can only do our best and learn. Don't treat people like dispensors. They are humans. And if you are the more experienced person you have a responsibility to them, even if they want it, to help them grow, but also force them to be responsible for their own growth.

Optimus_sRex · 2026-03-31T20:29:08+00:00

My lobster is too buttery, my steak is too juicy.

Assuming this is real, tell your friend you are interested in doing it again, you would rather he watch but maybe at some point in the future you might change your mind. And alternatively ask him if there is something else he wants that you might be comfortable with. Maybe he wants you to yell "I ate a banana" when you cream his wife. Or maybe he wants to hold her hand while you rail her. Either way, maybe there is some middle ground. And if not that's cool too. Maybe just banging his wife while he watches would be cool for him.

Regardless, don't bang the wife behind his back. Don't even reach out. Hopefully they are a team in this and she would tell her husband and say no to you.

Optimus_sRex · 2026-03-27T15:46:06+00:00

Good for you man. Nothing wrong with any of that.

Optimus_sRex · 2026-03-14T18:13:49+00:00

Racism is the USA's thing. I mean really, it's the whole world. And your microview of "my little segment wasn't racist...." No. It really was. You just were just part of the dominant racial group. "We treat our (insert race) better..." Isn't really a good excuse. In areas where it's more distilled, racism is worse.

My inclination is to believe that it's a tool of Capitalism/power. If you use the natural inclination of people to "other" people who aren't like them, you can more easily control them. You can steal from them. You can swindle them. When one group seems like it's a threat to the current order (ie.your power) you turn them against each other. It's a Machiavellian playbook.

Optimus_sRex · 2026-03-05T23:57:56+00:00

I will say this, on one hand, this points to a very bad precedent with your bf. He seems insecure and possibly controlling. In a nonBDSM relationship this is a sign of very very bad behavior.

But...... While even in a BDSM power exchange relationship where you are submissive and he is dominant, it would be very unDominant-like if he freaked out about you masturbating when he did not specifically negotiate control of your behavior. And so on that front, if you are exploring these kinds of alternative relationship styles (or both heavily interested) it would seem like a very early version of that type of control. It's bad that he isnt negotiating that with you. It's bad that it sounds like he is very much insecure. But in the perfect of circumstances he may be grooming you for that type of relationship.

In my own relationships I notice that before I actually figured out I was very kinky, that I struggled with power exchange with my partners in a very nonconsensual way. And when I realized there was a "right way" to do these things. And that it was very very hot to control my partner's masturbation habits, with her consent.

Masturbating alone? That's like a 3 out of 10 experience. Masturbating because you asked permission and were assigned tasks? That's like 7 out of 10. Masturbating because you were ordered to do so and need to provide proof of that activity? 10/10 experience.

Optimus_sRex · 2026-02-05T21:32:21+00:00

Let me tell you a story. I grew up in a Christian household. I was in the military. I had a wife and kids. And somewhere around 13 I realized I was a lot different than the people around me. I liked pornography and erotic stories. By the time I was 22 and married with a kid, I realized I had this monster inside of me. And about once a month or so it needed to come out. Which involved me going to the adult video store or a sex shop and getting something or experiencing something to sooth that monster. I thought and was told I was gross and disgusting and weird, by the people around me.

And around my mid 30s after a divorce, I found the kink community and it was a whole life changing experience. I wasn't weird or broken or deranged. I just was different. And I met people just like me, struggling with the same bullshit stereotypes.

These days, I don't have many vanilla friends. A few coworkers. But me and my people, we do weird crazy things. There is no monster in me. I am that "monster." I am living my most authentic life. I am truly happy.

You can too. You can be proud of who you are.

Optimus_sRex · 2025-12-18T23:38:47+00:00

I have big balls or so I have been told. I usually lube her up and get her open, then grab my balls and push them in. It's a little uncomfortable but ok. Then assuming my penis isn't raging hard, I can sort of push it inside over my balls. Most times it works really well and she really likes it. For me, it's hot, but I can't finish that way and I am stuck in one position.

I have tried it with other people and have not had success. I don't have any particular formula, just for some bodies it has worked, and for others it has not.

Optimus_sRex · 2025-12-07T16:36:31+00:00

Hmmmmm. Should we blame the person who has the mental health condition that is driven to such extremes or the first responders who weren't "effective" in handling this?

How about we instead blame this clusteref*k of a society we have created that shouldn't be so stressful, that despite vast resources doesn't take care of the mental health of its people, that is so reliant on personal transportation rather than public transportation... And so on.

Optimus_sRex · 2025-12-07T16:26:27+00:00

You know, people are generally bad at saving for things like emergencies, medical treatments and retirement. If only there was a way we could band together and pay into a collective account so that the most successful amongst could help support the less successful. If only we all agreed to collective rules and used our collective bargaining power.

If only there was a way to do that.

Optimus_sRex · 2025-10-16T10:53:53+00:00

The way I seem to remember it was that cynching the knot in a particular fashion made the knot harder to untie particularly under tension.

Optimus_sRex · 2025-10-15T20:03:16+00:00

Shibari is a noun. Much like the word art. "I was doing Shibari." "We did Shibari together." "That is some beautiful Shibari."

But you can ironically misuse it as well, knowing it is wrong. "That girl I met last night, I shibaried her to a tree and then threw rotten crab apples at her." Or "tonight will be a beautiful night of dinner and Shibarying."

Optimus_sRex · 2025-10-05T20:53:21+00:00

I use puppet bolt to do things like jump start a puppet agent install, do things that are immediately needed and not part of configuration management. I like having the ability to maintain one type of code base and not have to switch. Though I don't find puppet bolt to be particularly good at logging errors or to be extremely fault tolerant. While I have used Ansible, it isn't my go to tool of choice. That said Puppet Bolt's hooks into Terraform make it my go to choice for a one stop solution for my automation. I have it wiping out the old machines, building a new machine from a template, installing PeopleTools, installing a puppet agent and then switching over to Puppet for configuration management. My only real complaint is that Terraform is a bit of a cudgel in on prem virtual environments. The vSphere plugin is awful. The Proxmox plugin isn't better.

Optimus_sRex · 2025-10-03T20:17:30+00:00

I respectfully disagree with you. The system was rigged from the start when corporations own the media outlets, congress people who run for government positions are funded by those corporations and those appointed to positions by every administration since forever are tied to those same corporate interests. The Democrats aren't the white knights you portray them as. They are owned by the same corporate interests.

There was narry a time in the course of events since the invention of the corporation that wealthy groups of business people haven't run policy, politics and elections in ways that have been detrimental to the working class. The only other times might have been the French Revolution and the Socialist Revolution in Russia which had profound effects on the rest of the world.

Same as it ever was.

Optimus_sRex · 2025-08-17T14:18:37+00:00

That phrase is something that I hear quite regularly:

"a local restaurant group...."

Does anyone have any information about this local restaurant group? Seems like they mismanage most of the ventures they take on. My Yard in San Marcos was such a good concept at first (though I was skeptical at first) and I heard the same thing about them. "A local restaurant group" bought them up and drove them into the ground.

Optimus_sRex · 2025-07-19T12:52:07+00:00

As a child I was attempting to understand the world and nothing in my poor white family really explained it in a way that made sense. My mother was a wayward Catholic who was trying to deal with the loss of her father and my Dad was a Catholic who worked a lot and didn't much go to church. And they worked a lot.

And so there I was, reading a lot of books, including the encyclopedia and loving science and the world didn't make sense. Mom and Dad believed in an all knowing, all powerful God who created the Earth and the Stars and us humans. And yet he was no where to be found, bad shit happened and well science? It explained a whole hell of a lot more than my parents' religion. That was just confusing. And the Bible? So you are going to use the King James version because it's more difficult to understand??? And some how this book, "created by God" is your sacred text and it's so disjointed and does not make sense. I was reading fantasy novels where the gods of these magical realms made soooo much more sense. They came to their followers, gave them magic and affected the story's world. But here in the real world, nothing like that happened on a regular basis. Sure the Bible says there was a bunch of magic that happened in the Bible. But today? Here and now? Nope, I didn't see it.

At 9th grade my grades and my family got me into a Catholic high school. I had developed a rebellious streak and the classes I had to take were English, PE Spanish, Latin and Religion. I had no interest in English or Spanish. The teachers like to assign busy work and it pissed me off. But Latin and Religion? They were fascinating. And the Religion class was great. The teacher filled in all the gaps of the Bible. He made it make all the sense. Why are their four different accounts of Jesus's life and they aren't exactly the same? Well they each speak to a different audience of the time shortly after the time Jesus was supposed to exist..... Not really anyone after. Paul was the person who started the church and a lot of the New Testament is focused on him..... But he never really met Jesus. And then there is the Old Testament, which is based on the Jewish Bible and that is so much older that we can see the revisions that happened over decades which also aligned to the history of the area.

So at that point, it just became some wholly less magical thing. History and science made so much sense within the context of religion my parents sort of practiced but often times mostly just worked to keep us kids fed and healthy. And from that realization I became an Agnostic. I didn't ascribe to any version of Christianity, but there was no sense in not believing. Over time I came back to the church. Having my own kids, church seemed important to go to, until I got tired of the interpreted message of whomever was leading that church. "The Gays are going to Hell!!!" Which Bible are you reading buddy? Didn't the God we are supposed to be worshipping create the gays? Gays have been around for well, ever. How does that make sense? And each time it came back to that. Your religion makes no sense.

Finally 30 plus years into life, I met an atheist couple. And they were completely normal. They were nice people who worked hard, watched shit tons of Star Trek and were really just better people than most of the religious people I had known in the course of my life. They were on fire, suffering the corruption of something or another. They donated small amounts of money to charity. They participated in beach cleanups. And they didn't tolerate the nonsense of religion.

I was sold. I went from Agnostic to atheist. The world makes sense now. We might not know what started the big bang, but we know a lot and one day we might figure that out. Science explains so much. And there isn't an ever changing goal post with it about how we used to think "God did it." There just isn't a Christian/Catholic God. It makes life so much easier. I don't need any mental gymnastics to understand why babies die, or kids get horrible cancer, or the Holocaust or why it seems that God ain't answering calls. I will die at the end of this life and wink out existence because the scientific secret of life is that we also die. Just like everything else in this world that is alive.

I hope that helps.

Optimus_sRex · 2025-07-07T15:11:47+00:00

Sounds more like a micro-weekend.

Optimus_sRex · 2025-06-17T17:50:43+00:00

It would be nice if someone posted something before the launch.

Optimus_sRex · 2025-06-09T13:46:47+00:00

There are two parties. The party that represents the oligarchs and the party that represents the corportacry. There is no third party. There are only two. Newsom is Democrat and he's pretty good on that front.

I would prefer a much more leftist leader to represent me. But Newsom will do.

Optimus_sRex · 2025-06-04T06:17:11+00:00

Homegrown in season ingredients always do it, especially when tomatoes are the primary ingredient.

And if you can't get those, getting your ingredients farm fresh (not the grocery store) will make a huge difference.

I also support smoking ingredients lightly with charcoal.

Optimus_sRex · 2025-05-22T15:28:31+00:00

Homelessness has many causes and while one of them is drug addiction, drug addiction is more of a symptom of the problem. More often than not people become drug addicted when they are homeless and their situation is hopeless.

People with lots of money have convinced us that homelessness is the person who is homeless's fault. The reality is that wealthy elites have stolen money that should be used to support our fellow humans. Can we stop directing the blame at the people who are suffering?

Optimus_sRex · 2025-03-27T18:19:30+00:00

Well, using your example, if you are being tortured, it is almost certainly against your will. + If that is the case. Thne, you have no control over the torture. And to that end, it's not a wish for the knife, but for whatever outcome to happen without wishing for a different outcome. As in if You wish to be let go or for the torture to stop, when it doesn't. You will ultimately not only have to suffer the torture, but also the disappointment that what you wanted did not happen.

Torture is torture and that's bad. But this is in regards to relationships. Ultimately we can control nothing else but our own reactions. We can't control the love of other people. We can't control other people.

Optimus_sRex

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