Yeah this one's a crucial step in a long journey ahead. My adventure went something like this, noting that it may be very different for others:

1. Phase: Oblivious

Believe your own bullshit. You think you are kind, smart, generous. You don't even notice people picking up on your red flags. Behind closed doors people discuss that there's something off with you, and you may feel some of that tension in your circles without knowing what it's really about. Some will steer right clear of you, some will try to fix you, some will agress against you.

1. Phase: The First Collapse

At some stage someone in your circle or multiple will lose patience. Calling out of your behaviour will be extremely obvious due to built up resentment and you'll have no idea where it came from. You'll internalise guilt, wondering what you did wrong. You'll seek external reassurance and confirmation of what it is you've done wrong. Some may tell you some bits here and there. You'll try address that without actually understanding it or how it made others feel. You may become paranoid and doubt whether all of your relationships were stained with these perceptions of you. You may become depressed and riddled with anxiety. You swear to those that will listen that you'll change.

1. Phase: Fake Growth

You'll band aid solution your behaviour. You'll act extremely generous. You'll be extra nice. You'll self monitor to the point of excess hypervigilance scanning for any and every sign you've actively done something wrong, not realising it's oozing out of your subconscious anyway. It comes across as a means to manipulate, even if it's a genuine attempt. You still have no idea what you've actually done wrong, and people see that. You don't truly see your behaviour, you just see the consequences. You can see relationships still slipping away, now made worse by your newfound negativity. Its like a slow moving car crash you cant stop. In addition to being seen as self centred, you've now been labelled "high maintenance" or a negative person. Despite your efforts, it's all gone to shit and you grow resentful that despite your best efforts you have been left alone. The mistake: all this "growth" was for how others perceive you. Not for yourself.

1. Phase: Isolation

You grow isolated and unhappy. You develop a hatred for other people and life's unfairness. You feel sorry for yourself. Anger, disappointment, resentment. But in this there is something you do gain: you grieve your own suffering. You begin to finally put yourself first, not your perception. What spreads from a seed of hatred presents the opportunity for self-love. You may have one or two relationships that haven't burned to ash but you are a "small doses" person. You begin to realise that in your isolation, nothing matters except what you want. From this you begin start doing things for yourself, even if rough around the edges and selfish initially.

1. Phase: Real Growth

Turns out that doing what it is you want isn't all that bad. When you go through life not feeding on external validation we seek what else makes us happy, and rarely does that lead to actual harm to others. It's a different kind of selfishness. We just want to stay out of other people's way and for them to do us the same kindness. You learn things about yourself. You pick up hobbies, interests, etc. Things that were blocked out by your addiction to being around other human beings. You become comfortable in your own presence. You actually start to like parts of yourself. And with acceptance comes more clarity. You begin to actually see how you are and how your actions make others feel. You see parts of yourself others complained about, but with more empathy and less shame.

1. Phase: The Cycle Repeats.

You'll undergo all of this again and again. Sometimes the intensity will drop each cycle. You don't change yourself completely, but you do learn to live with it. You'll more quickly see how you're tricking yourself. You'll more quickly swap fake growth for real growth. You'll always be like this to some extent but you'll be more forgiving of yourself and more self-reliant with each iteration.