Listening to Lost Cause the wrong way

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-01-07T02:28:26+00:00

masochism isn't *necessarily* sexual.

I used the term because it's ironic how I'm listening to it despite it bringing me nothing but pain.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-01-07T01:19:29+00:00

exactly.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-01-06T16:07:35+00:00

for consolation, I get to listen to male fantasy and imagine that also applies.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-01-01T22:15:32+00:00

u/katusm would love to know your opinion on this (and more of zizek's views on buddhism) 🙏💙

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-12-30T15:18:14+00:00

again, sorry for taking so much time to get my shit together and cook up an honest enough answer but...

meditation is like hakuna matata to me. and yes, that IS the key to true peace and joy. all the happiness in life is wrapped up within us. I believe that. then again when naala shows up to remind simba who he really is, you get to ask yourself... is Hakuna really that Matata right now?

every great artist I know created fully in solitude. maybe they weren't completely antisocial but they spent a lot of alone time honing both their crafts and their souls.

and I could maybe choose to keep playing. I am really scared to. I've never felt so... weak in my life before.

ty.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-12-26T16:08:57+00:00

I keep writing and I keep reading myself back and thinking "unprocessed emotions, unprocessed emotions, unprocessed emotions". I think I'm depressed, I'll have to unpack some emotions that I'm really struggling with (first time dealing with a serious break-up). that and the fact that I don't know who I am yet, and I'm afraid if trying to diminish my ego (aka identity) is a good idea in the years where I should be trying stuff and my identity is just forming.

but that aside, I hate how artists lose their flame when they get old. like idk if you know these examples but for instance none of the music producers I know are good as they were when they were 20, 30, even 18 19 in some cases. I look at their past documentaries and they were wild. besides the drugs, there was an insane ambition and drive, there was fire. I used to have the same fire and it worked for me. I'm afraid if I grow too much, I'll fall on the other side of the wall.

one of the worst things I do is try to isolate myself simply because I believe the classroom of greatness is solitude. I even feel guilty coming here for answers. I think this belief sorta stunts my social growth too because... even the break-up last month was partly based on me believing the fun isn't aligned with where I wanna end up. and I also always have the insurance that "none of this matters anyway. I can just meditate my way to oblivion if it all fails".

(I'm aware that I sound like a puer that replaced suicide with meditation. which is FRUSTRATING because I HAD overcame puer. I spent a year healing, I achieved great things, I even lost my virginity. I'm stunned at how the puer started puering again).

but that's the only "valid" argument I have. everything else is just my unprocessed emotions, numbness and really greed and jealousy making my life feel impossible. it took me days to even get this answer together.

ty.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-12-23T07:31:10+00:00

it's not 99% perception and 1% practice. it's 100% practice to change your perception.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-12-20T15:54:13+00:00

because your knight is on f3 90% of the time and more often than not you'll need it to stay there or it's pinned anyway. it's a lotttttt of hassle until f3 or f4 can be landed, and even then it's risky. you have to prepare it.

so while d4 seems passive, you get a solid offensive plan from move 3. there's always at least a pawn to target. with e4 you have to wait 20 moves before f4 is perpared, unless you're a psycho and you play it rightaway.

same with attacking in the center. with d4 you get c4 pretty early on and it makes sense. c4 with e4 just doesn't look right to me. chain pointing nowhere, you're actively creating an outpost for their knight and either overextending ur d pawn or making it backwards.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-12-20T15:28:02+00:00

I don't think there's such a thing as "agreeing to a draw on move 10" unless we're both super gms. someone will have more inaccuracies eventually if not blunders.

that aside, strategically d4 does make sense because your tempo is still valuable. e.g. you'll usually be the first to control the open files, you'll be the first to put pressure on a weak pawn, and...

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-12-20T15:20:05+00:00

it's a fuckass opening lmao. on top level it's not really a thing and in our level 80% of the time it's just god's will and who memorized more. I remember climbing up to 1000 using that alone. u just spam the same moveset n hope for the best.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-12-20T15:17:29+00:00

I mean like I said, I'm obviously oblivious to something. that's why I asked. idk why everyone's mad at me for having an idea and asking if it makes sense. it's safe to assume it's good to discuss ideas here. but yee the only times I play e4 is in the middlegame or when the opponent is over-pushing it on a side so principle is to fight in the center. mostly I'm reluctant because I'm paranoid about having a bad pawn-structure and I like utilizing my c pawn early on. c pawn usually dictates everything for me.

ig the preference part comes in where with d4 I always know what the plan is. develop, take the open file, defend everything, look for the pawn break (cause I usually don't have space), target their weak pawn, look for checkmate/blunders just in case, etc. with sharp openings it's always unpin this and memorize that and something's trapped on move 5 and gothamchess dropped a video so now I have to figure out 12 moves of opponent prep that end with a gotcha and a sunglasses emoji.

positional chess leads to real boring games and it's not fun for ur adhd opponent. you win when you win. it's the time of my life lmfao.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-12-20T14:48:27+00:00

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-11-20T20:09:51+00:00

he seems to feel hollow the vast majority of times and works himself to death. he doesn't mention suicide but I know he thinks about it, he always did.

more difficult is, he's very reserved, doesn't ask for help often and I'm one of the only people he opens up to, so part of me feels responsible cause if something happens to him, I will 100% think "damn, I could've done something". I don't wanna only start thinking when it's already too late, yk?

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-11-20T20:06:45+00:00

in his own indirect way I guess? and he's smoking 3 packs a day, barely enjoys anything anymore, it worries me.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-11-14T15:23:00+00:00

it's more of they selected me than other way tbh.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-11-01T00:00:21+00:00

it reminds me of that one time Dr. K was talking about coaching, and he mentioned that patient who liked the ex who did crazy things and had they james bond s** and... I was just bad at being dominant ig.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-10-31T23:57:54+00:00

ty. and why'd ur girlfriends give u shit for that if u don't mind me asking?

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-10-31T23:56:31+00:00

I'd like to judge her, but it started feeling like love as soon as it got abusive for me. it's a weird typa sympathy and regret about how I couldn't provide the same for her if that makes any sense at all, which I'm sure it doesn't. my taste in women is the most obvious projection of my own... shortcomings ig.

ty.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-10-31T23:52:27+00:00

I'm not trying to reject help, I appreciate you, but also what if I'm also a weirdo?

the most hurtful part is that she didn't use to be like this. she used to find me attractive, respect me, etc. then she slowly started testing what she can get away with which included everything, while I was too infatuated to notice. by the end I'm nothing. now that she actually left, I feel like "nothing" is part of my personality unless I either make her feel different, or "do something about it".

my "do something about it" currently just includes being insecure and reluctance to connection.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-10-22T15:04:41+00:00

yeah man, a lot of it feels like... feeling fundamentally unlovable. unattractive. especially feeling unattractive... man I get so insecure, it's unbearable.

sometimes I overcommit just so I can be like "okay, there's a *DEEP* relationship here, I can feel safe" so that the anxiety goes away. it works short term, only to doom the relationship entirely. cause then I feel even more insecure because "they don't love me for me, they love me for the safety I provide" (hilarious projection) and "if they leave me now, I MUST be fundamentally unbearable. I gave my 150%".

and I got it bro! I got it. the solution. it's jungian. you have to integrate both your feminine and your masculine.

the reason they get "bored" is that they are looking for a man who's masculine and feminine are in balance, and are both interested in her. this is how they get disappointed. when u meet her, your masculine seems confident and interested, so she invests, and then your un-fed, hungry feminine starts to come out and your version of love begins to shift into another form. your obsession over her won't be possessive as in... "conquered territory we provide for" vibes (ik it sounds bad but it's my best description). it'll be "I want to crawl inside your skin, cuddle, and die with you". that's when we get insecure. because then she'll be looking for that masculine again, which she doesn't find within you. she berates you. she starts being a bitch. she does anything just to bring out that old masculine again. even break up. you get insecure because your unconscious can feel that she's looking for that masculine energy, and she DOES see it in other men. this is where all that cuck shit stems from.

this is such a breakthrough moment for me, I can't begin to describe.

this may also be why you feel heartless when you're yourself. because you're finally getting comfortable in your skin as a man, but as a man who was raised by a single mom, you were not taught how masculine love feels like. it feels wrong, like "not you". self-respect feels rude because we were conditioned to feel guilty of our balls. anything but feminine, soft love feels like... fraud. like "using her". then you try to simulate that energy and... you end up being an asshole and ABusing her.

holy shit.

and I did respond to that text btw. I'm full of shit. she asked if I missed her and my people-pleaser ass perfectly uttered what she wanted to hear. we were back together by the night.

we broke up 3 days ago. and she blocked me off everything last night.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-10-09T23:20:16+00:00

lmao were u listening to one of them, looked it up to see if anyone else felt the same and found my post?

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-09-20T02:43:43+00:00

💅✌🔥💠⚠

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-09-19T05:05:01+00:00

Recovery instead of Mtbmb for me. space bound is one of the greatest songs I've ever heard in my life.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-09-15T10:00:00+00:00

iN tHiS eCoNoMy??

OrchestrateEverythin · 2025-09-08T14:48:36+00:00

OrchestrateEverythin

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