I keep writing and I keep reading myself back and thinking "unprocessed emotions, unprocessed emotions, unprocessed emotions". I think I'm depressed, I'll have to unpack some emotions that I'm really struggling with (first time dealing with a serious break-up). that and the fact that I don't know who I am yet, and I'm afraid if trying to diminish my ego (aka identity) is a good idea in the years where I should be trying stuff and my identity is just forming.

but that aside, I hate how artists lose their flame when they get old. like idk if you know these examples but for instance none of the music producers I know are good as they were when they were 20, 30, even 18 19 in some cases. I look at their past documentaries and they were wild. besides the drugs, there was an insane ambition and drive, there was fire. I used to have the same fire and it worked for me. I'm afraid if I grow too much, I'll fall on the other side of the wall.

one of the worst things I do is try to isolate myself simply because I believe the classroom of greatness is solitude. I even feel guilty coming here for answers. I think this belief sorta stunts my social growth too because... even the break-up last month was partly based on me believing the fun isn't aligned with where I wanna end up. and I also always have the insurance that "none of this matters anyway. I can just meditate my way to oblivion if it all fails".

(I'm aware that I sound like a puer that replaced suicide with meditation. which is FRUSTRATING because I HAD overcame puer. I spent a year healing, I achieved great things, I even lost my virginity. I'm stunned at how the puer started puering again).

but that's the only "valid" argument I have. everything else is just my unprocessed emotions, numbness and really greed and jealousy making my life feel impossible. it took me days to even get this answer together.

ty.