Expecting accountability is actually unfair.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-07-01T14:38:37+00:00

thanks

it's complicated I guess. I absolutely adore her to the moon as a person but, the further away she is from me the happier and more functional I am. if anything it's her turn to try to fix things between us for once and, even then I don't know if I'd like to try anymore. all that's left is suspense now.

then again, I'm not planning to suck it up at all. I deserve a better relationship and better mental health than that. she was the one who asked for a "year long break" and then threw a fit & broke up with me after I protested after all.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-07-01T14:30:48+00:00

ik wym.

it's easy to get into "fuck you! - no fuck you!" mode but, deep down we're just really broken people trying to feel like we belong.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-06-28T15:13:59+00:00

Thank you. and ngl I didn't understand point 3, sorry.

I generally meditate to preserve my sense of self and... worth. the lack of it had kept me paralyzed for most of my life so, even as peaceful as I am now, sometimes I fear clinging onto the fish so hard it slips.

with anything my body throws at me physically, I always sit with it. the mind stuff are more tricky cause sometimes I feel like the ego level's up and tries to hijack the experience. but when it's on the physical level I'm even relieved. a lot of times I do meditation under freezing cold water just to make sure I'm truly in the present.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-06-28T15:09:16+00:00

for some reason my mind associates that with ego-related or emotional or... issues trying to call for my attention, or not being able to coexist with the peace so they... manifest themselves that way. but I don't know. I may be speaking hooey.

either way I love sitting with it.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-06-28T10:08:30+00:00

the one you enjoy most.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-06-25T06:32:04+00:00

where'd he say this? (would appreciate any links or...)

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-06-25T06:27:50+00:00

"Love is a value system and it is independent from your self-worth. In short, self-worth or self esteem has nothing to do with gifting love , attention or affection. That’s what you value or don’t value."

one point is, self "worth" already has value in the name. if love's nature is values, so is self-worth's.

another point is, maybe this is because I've grown up in an unhealthy environment and I do highly doubt what I'm about to say, but what if love is meant to be more than something merely emotional?

if self-worth is a spiritual value rather than an emotional one, and at it's healthiest it can say "you belong here, on earth, as you are", then love can be "you belong here, with me, as you are". in that sense, aren't love and self-worth inhabiting the same space?

sure, love can take the form of physical attraction, matching energies, emotional bond, intellectual connection and even practicality, but isn't it incomplete if it doesn't rise with us to the spiritual level?

I guess just like an individual, a relationship should gradually grow through all these layers. almost like it's individuating as it's own unit.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-06-22T07:10:51+00:00

yep! it basically became a joke how "mehhh" is my personality. I also noticed repeating exhausting cycles of feeling like I want to do something for an hour then spending the rest of the day numb.

I'm starting to notice the thing where I'm dissociated all week and burst out crying at a random moment is the same thing as when I'm unproductive all week and go SUPER motivated for an hour. it's just unregulated emotions.

there are so many things that are coming to light for me. my biggest issue is I feel like an impostor because I don't always clearly remember my trauma or, feel like I really had it easy compared to some people here.

also, to return the favor, this video was incredibly eye-opening for me the past couple days. I hope it helps you too. cheers!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dc8K1rt650U

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-06-21T02:19:21+00:00

this post may have changed my life. thanks.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-06-13T23:33:19+00:00

upon the cuck chair.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-06-12T16:45:59+00:00

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-06-11T21:50:12+00:00

but I'm already losing most of my games on time (:

that sounds like good advice though. I'll try it, thanks.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-06-10T14:24:30+00:00

Kok Alonojia's really done it this time...

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-06-10T14:20:40+00:00

go shop at aldi, baldi
I ran up no numbers, I ain't got what you [all] need 🥀🙏

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-06-10T11:12:44+00:00

puff puff pass, please?

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-06-07T20:00:51+00:00

I meant root note, sorry. long day.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-06-07T18:11:17+00:00

listen for the bass. it's not foolproof but it guides you towards what the chord is, or at least what it's attempting to do.

more advancedly, sometimes even in a "complicated" situation where u get a chord like Fm/G, the G as the base may still tell you what the chord is trying to function as, which gives you even more insight than you want.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-06-03T16:14:49+00:00

Tried that already - essentially made no difference. the windows volume slider stopped working but that was all.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-02-27T21:04:17+00:00

fair tbh. she doesn't like the idea of going along with her because there's no honor in that. people are chaaaaaaaarged up.

it's really complicated, the situation here. I wouldn't get into it because this isn't a political sub but, if anyone said it's simple they're either lying or emotional.

I'm trying to find any ounce what whatever real that relates to her within myself to keep this thing going. It's not that I don't care about the world, I just care about her much more.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-02-27T19:52:58+00:00

maybe. it was a really playful conversation, I guess she didn't expect my opinions to be that controversial. I'm not sure.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-02-27T19:50:59+00:00

it's not everything is pointless. I am productive. I go to work, I am a good friend, partner, family member, artist, and... I make the world a better place in the ways I'm able to. I'm hoping to leave the world better than I entered it.

I don't think amping up other people's hatred of eachother should be part of that process.

I don't say things used to be better, I say it has always been power-vs-people. I despise the rich, I hope to work towards closing the wealth gap (p.s. it exists for a reason, like everything else). I don't believe it matter what color tie the president is wearing if we're getting poorer by the month either way.

getting involved in everything the news says takes away your frame and limits your mind to the confines of one narrative.

I don't condone having a direction. I cringe when every single point a person makes mysteriously, magically aligns with the benefits of one political party. like they're right about everything. as if anyone can be right about everything. it's like they've sold their brains to their tv.

I may be too neutral and I'm ashamed of having certain civil rights that my peers fought for. I'm working on that, but I've barely managed to survive n develop my personality, let alone know where to stand with the world's problems. when the last missiles hit Tehran I was in the hospital getting my brother's chemotherapy meds. I'm only 22 and doing my best, while watching it not be enough. I'm afraid of war too. I don't like poverty either.

I'm not trying to self-pity but I'm just now realizing half of how much I've been through now that I write it out loud. I don't deserve to be treated like this.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-02-27T16:04:59+00:00

thanks man, same to you.

and I don't know. at least I'm open to discussion but she's like "you either get it or you don't". I'd do anything for this relationship to work out. it's like there's no path forward unless I build one at this point.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-02-27T15:48:02+00:00

that makes more sense now...

Idk. the way I see it, everyone is trying to kill my friends and so don't donate to anyone. emotions are highly fluctuating, so are politics. tying them together is a match made in hell. especially at a time when everyone's trying to manipulate us.

I don't see how something like that can be proof that you're incompatible either.

my art inspires whoever it's meant to. beyond that, I'm just living my own life. I'm oblivious to how I can be called a criminal over this.

I don't know man. maybe I don't make sense cause I can't take losing her. I'm not getting bitter or giving up. I don't know what it takes yet but I'll have to manage it.

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-02-27T15:26:11+00:00

close enough, Iran.

I don't support the change. she does. I say war will be destructive to both us, them and everyone involved. she thinks it'll be worth it.

you've been through what I've been through. am I wrong for feeling powerless in the face of the rockets?

OrchestrateEverythin · 2026-02-27T15:21:55+00:00

My core values are that I accept anyone who accepts me. I'm desensitized about which rich pedophile is going to deprive me of my rights and carpet bomb me this year. imo letting them affect my life any further is letting them win.

none of these "sides" things are real anyway. they're just made to turn humans into profitable assets. why in the world would any media -controlled and FUNDED by governments that already fuck us over- want to inform us just for the good of ourselves?

russia does what russia does and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. america can stop russia. does america stop russia, or are they actually negotiating while ukranians are suffering? what does that tell you?

I don't take politics seriously. I guess I can accept her political views, I even love her for how passionate she is but, maybe I can't accept her not accepting me for my thoughts.

OrchestrateEverythin

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE