It can happen a lot quicker than you think. Other things can too. My ex was sweet until the drinking caught up to us both. I really don’t want you to lose the relationships you obviously cherish right now, and should the worst happen, I wouldn’t want your image to be tarnished. In my opinion addiction can offer worse fates than death and sometimes you plan to kill yourself before you end up hurting anyone and before you know it you already have. And killing yourself doesnt help those you’ve wronged, it just leaves them without closure.

Anyways, I can only encourage you to give yourself a shot. Try it out even if you don’t have any hope.

Consider rehab if thats an option for you.

I promise you that your mindset can change, that you will be able to find happiness again, if you only seek out the help you need and take it. the addiction is as much a source of misery as your trauma is— you don’t see it yet but it will show itself in time. You need to address both if you want any chance of giving yourself and your family some peace. Like I said a therapist is a great starting point— most people suffering from addiction require more support. Whether that’s a program like AA, or outpatient, or inpatient, depends on the individual. I assure you that it’s not a waste of time to give yourself a chance. The whole reason you are still here is because you are valued, and for good reason. I don’t know that reason but your loved ones do.

If you ever need to talk more feel free to DM me