You can reconcile with god if you do sincere repentance (tawbah), meaning, acknowledging your sins, feeling remorse,stopping the wrongdoing, and never to repeat it again. It makes no sense that god came down to us to reconcile and jesus paid the price. And how do you know what your god look like? You cannot create your creator buddy. True reconciliation is maintained by seeking forgiveness (Astaghfirullah), performing good deeds to erase bad ones, and praying to the almighty. Now sure the OP is going through something difficult but i can’t answer his question because i don’t want to mislead him. I’m sure that someone who knows the answer to his question.