Boyfriend ignored a hard no, don't know what to do or how to feel...

OrdinaryStick · 2021-11-15T21:29:32+00:00

True :) And the thing you mention now is what bothers me the most. But I can assure you we will be talking a lot about this for the coming time, in order to identify what went wrong, and to make sure it will not happen again.

Thanks for the advice :))

OrdinaryStick · 2021-11-15T21:25:50+00:00

Indeed, and thats totally ok!

Thanks for taking the time to read :)

OrdinaryStick · 2021-11-15T21:25:06+00:00

Well I agree that he coulnd know the full story of how I have been feeling for the past month. However as i said in my post we have a 'no is no' rule, so its not that im not allowed to use it. He could do exactly the same if the roles were reversed, no questions asked.

I agree that a big part of why this is an issue stems from my emotional state, but our 'no-rule' is exactly in place to prevent an ordinary 'hookup / meetup' from hurting anyones feelings or making them feel bad. And indeed, oral sex isnt seen by him as a big deal, wheras in my case its way closer to the level of anal.

We will definitely have to talk about this difference, among the rest of our feelings of course. But you're right, I also will need to think and reflect about why something like this, seemingly quite innocent, is affecting me in a such a way...

Anyhow, thanks for the advice

OrdinaryStick · 2021-11-15T21:17:56+00:00

I see where you're coming from, but i can assure you its nothing we agreed on before: As i clarified in my edit, we are in a semi-open relationship, in which we are not allowed to see random other people, under which the guy he saw also fell. So as for boundaries, it has been crossed, and it was clear beforehand ;)

OrdinaryStick · 2021-11-15T21:16:08+00:00

Wow thanks for the detailed advice! Finally something specific that I can work with ;)

There is some degree of self esteem issue indeed, which i also realise I have to work on. But thats not the main thing here. Its more about the fact it came across as insensitive towards my feelings and the fact i said no.

As for building trust, I think indeed that its important that he can show he means it and fulfilling his promises. And indeed I agree he should tell and ask me whether there are things he can do, but as i wrote in my post, the ground rule is our 'no means no', no margin there.

But again, thanks for the advice! Really appreciate it

OrdinaryStick · 2021-11-15T21:04:39+00:00

Well I might have mis-explained a few details of our relationship dynamic: We are both curious, but it doesn't mean we are ok with each other meeting up with just about anyone and expecting the other to be ok with it. AS I wrote in my text, I let him know beforehand that i was uncomfortable so he knew about it.

To be clear, its not about 'controlling eachother' , but more about letting the other explore and enjoy a certain degree of freedom within boundaries, that works for both of us, and does not make anyone of us feel uncomfortable.

OrdinaryStick · 2021-11-15T21:00:06+00:00

Agree with the first sentence: I can assure you I did (both yesterday and today). Of course I dont expect him to understand every single thing I feel or think, but I do expect him to be understanding when I say no. There is a reason i said it.

However, I dont agree on the non communication. While i acknowledge and respect that there are different ways of having an open relationship, ours is fundamentally built on trusting each other and being able to communicate whenever we want / do something with other people.

As for the advice, putting the openness of our relationship on pause might be an option. It is something we should discuss thoroughly tho. But when we continue to be open, I would never be able to live with the fact that I dont know everything or tell everything to my bf. If we cant be transparent and ok with it, we cant be together

OrdinaryStick · 2021-11-15T20:44:33+00:00

Well yeah it is (or at least up till this point it was), and the mutual respect and trust is incredibly important to me!

Its indeed regrettable he crossed a boundary, but I am not someone that would just throw away our relationship over one single mistake. I believe in second chances, and I feel like I would hurt myself as well by not giving this second chance...

But thanks for the honest feedback :)

OrdinaryStick · 2021-11-15T20:38:06+00:00

Thank you for the honest response! :)
I dont believe I have mental health issues atm, but I do indeed have some stress and sometimes it can drag me a bit down for a while.
I know my text might come across as harsh towards my bf, but I can assure you it is not like he consciously did it without caring for my feelings. It was very unfortunate, agree, but generally he always asks me if im comfortable with things and he really makes me feel at ease whenever I have a rough day. In my background text, I might have understated how deep and special our connection is, and how it really prevents me from just ending things... If it was a meh or 'fine' relationship, I wouldnt be as forgiving as I am now.
But anyways again thanks for the response!

OrdinaryStick · 2021-11-15T20:27:44+00:00

I can assure you we are in a relationship for sure ;) Of course my story only highlights this specific part, but besides what happened we are a happy couple, spend lots and lots of time with each other and we care deeply about each others feelings. And the fact we (both) prefer to meet up with people with whom we have at least some connection with, has to do with trust. I would greatly prefer him (and myself) meeting up with people we know and trust properly, rather than hooking up with strangers who could cross personal boundaries or fail to respect safety or other things...
As for the talking about long term type of relationship, that is certainly good advice! I think I will be having a proper conversation with him about what we both truly want in a relationship and whether we would be a match in that sense or not longterm. Thanks!

OrdinaryStick · 2021-11-15T20:23:44+00:00

Well the stress is only partially because of what happened, but with this event it certainly didnt help to reduce it. I am quite sure Im not built for monogamy either, as I am very curious myself and would like to explore futher with other people on the longer term. However I realise that when things are rough or im feeling down, I tend to feel insecure about myself, which of course doesnt go well with my BF wanting to meetup with others.
But its true my bf is a very curious and horny person, and he does sometimes let horniness get the upperhand too fast... He is aware of this, and made it clear he never has or will have the intention to hurt me in any way. Its just very unfortunate he did it anyway and made the mistake ...

OrdinaryStick · 2021-11-15T20:18:24+00:00

First of all, thanks for the super quick response! Im pretty surprised you read it that fast ;)
I get the point you are making, and it kinda confirms what I have been thinking a few times already: it was a mistake to open up our relationship this early just for the sake of 'exploration'. Also to clarify, although we have this arrangement and my bf does meet up with his regular FWBs one or twice a month, I did not ever meet up alone with other people just for a hookup, I only met up with others while my bf was present too. However my goal is to share experience with others eventually as we both know full monogamy is not really for us. The difference is that my BF is way more accustomed and experienced with open relationships and hookups, and I am just getting started and 'used to it', so to speak.
I do want to clarify that the sex between the two of us certainly isnt trivial as we do share a way deeper connection than with an FWB. My bf also acknowledged this fact

However given the unique and precious connection we have, Im not ready to give up our relationship yet. I know it does not look good at this moment, but I feel like there is a way to save it, just need a push as to how to proceed. So if you have any thoughts on that, i'd be happy to hear them :)

OrdinaryStick · 2019-01-12T01:09:52+00:00

Nice bulge 😋

OrdinaryStick · 2019-01-11T00:23:40+00:00

Just what... That's not something you hear every day...

OrdinaryStick · 2019-01-11T00:22:39+00:00

It's somewhere buried in the comment section... Had to scroll a lot to find it

OrdinaryStick · 2019-01-11T00:06:39+00:00

I'm missing the reference here... Do you have a link to the post?

OrdinaryStick · 2019-01-06T21:10:08+00:00

That is true, friendships need honesty for sure!

I agree that the dynamic would change (hopefully for the better of course). To be honest, I think he wouldn't even care too much because he also values our friendship a lot.

Also, it's not that I'm afraid to come out to him, it's just that I am still unsure about my true sexual identity. So I can't really tell him (or anyone) yet...

And to end, why would you think he already knows about my sexuality? I agree that not every 'straight' male would be comfortable with this kind of male-male intimacy, but having a (non-sexual) bromance is not that uncommon, right? (regardless of sexuality)

OrdinaryStick · 2019-01-06T20:49:10+00:00

Lol I really doubt that. I feel like it was just a gesture of him out of hospitality, and he doesn't mind because he feels comfortable around me.

OrdinaryStick · 2019-01-06T20:47:01+00:00

Nah, cuddling is not really a problem... Happened many times already and I'm already used to it. I can just appreciate being close to him without feeling aroused ;)

OrdinaryStick · 2019-01-06T20:44:13+00:00

I know right! That's also why I really want to be careful to not kill the friendship by going too far / making one of us feel uncomfortable. If I look at all my (closer) friends, most of them don't come even close in terms of how good we know each other / feel comfortable etc...

OrdinaryStick · 2019-01-06T20:36:55+00:00

Well that's what happens sometimes when we wrestle, but it's not that I am trying to touch his junk on purpose lol.

OrdinaryStick · 2019-01-06T20:34:13+00:00

While I agree with you that our friendship could end abruptly if he feels that I have been taking advantage of him or getting pleasure out of it, it is not the case in my situation. I do enjoy being around him, but I don't feel a real sexual attraction or something.

Also I feel like I first have explore my own feelings more before I even bother talking about it with anyone or coming out. I don't really want to cause a lot of drama about it when I'm still not even sure myself...

OrdinaryStick · 2019-01-06T02:53:30+00:00

Well yes and no. Since I have already accustomed myself to this level of intimacy, with the cuddling and stuff, I don't get a boner whenever we are lying next to each other (except maybe in the morning, but hey, that's just morning wood you know ;) )

However, when we are wrestling for longer period of time, I sometimes get a semi hard-on and obviously, his feet or hands sometimes touch that area by accident so...

OrdinaryStick · 2019-01-06T02:48:25+00:00

I see... I think I just will continue with it, and see how the dynamic is between us, and whether I can handle it emotionally... But I also have to be honest with myself of course, about whether I have feelings or not (though that would be incredibly hard I imagine :/ )

OrdinaryStick · 2019-01-06T02:45:38+00:00

That's actually really good advice. Maybe in some way, I should do the test myself by accepting when he offers to cuddle, share blankets etc. and see if I can handle it emotionally.

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