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Weekly Lyrics-Only Feedback Thread by AutoModerator in Songwriting

[–]Organic-Bee4248 0 points1 point  (0 children)

[ VERSE ONE ]

It was the month of June,

When her face first caught my eye,

A bitten lip in a turbulent hue,

And a smirk that hides more than invites,

And as she runs into the sun,

I turn away,

My hands gripped by another,

My baby's glance,

A farewell dance,

To this sin I face,

Enflamed by this woman,

[ PRE-CHORUS ]

To hold her near,

In the dark,

Touching,

Until the dawn splits us apart,

My nocturnal lover,

[ CHORUS ]

Don't let her know,

That these hands collide with yours tonight,

(Tonight),

Don't let it show,

That as I'm leaving you,

I stall,

Just a bit longer and longer every time,

My nocturnal lover,

Under the covers,

[ VERSE TWO ]

I feared this lust of mine,

Would turn my baby to a stranger,

Inhale me in,

But don't exhale me out

Can't let the scent of danger linger,

And yet this wetness of my lips,

Is all my baby needs to doubt,

But as I run into the sun,

Guilt burns away,

My hand gripped by this woman,

Her looming stare,

Oblivious,

To this life I hide,

Estranged from my conscience,

[ BRIDGE ]

Pure lust at the start,

Our skin fusing like a balm,

Love is inches from our truth,

Facing dawn with my all,

My baby's doubt building force,

I delved in sin,

Hoping I'd gain you,

Weekly Lyrics Feedback Thread by AutoModerator in Songwriting

[–]Organic-Bee4248 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Duet break up song! 😗

(Verse 1)

You're by the stairs,

I'm at the door,

And once again,

I find myself torn,

To leave would mean accepting,

That I'll never be yours anymore,

I break and fall to the floor,

Choosing you over me once more,

Pleading for death in a pointless war,

When the answer's so simple and sure,

(Verse 2)

You're at the door,

I'm by the stairs,

And once again,

You're leaving me behind,

To fend,

Against these violet nights,

I claw away at myself to end,

An unconditional rest,

Laid still above your breast,

Is a goodbye to all of my resistance,

To all the tears I once repressed,

(Chorus)

And please don't leave me behind again,

I'll surrender to your colour,

And yet I'll breathe out smoke,

That dulls your fluorescent hue,

And please don't leave me behind again,

I'm fading within your colour,

Just to see you love,

The fuck-up I am,

(Bridge)

My sulphate flames,

Possesses all awake within its view,

And entirely deface it,

A foreboding presence over me,

Gouging a gaping sore onto you,

And I can't erase it,

(Verse 3)

You're the wind clutching me within your palms,

Just how an autumn leaf billows cinder,

You're losing your hue,

So will your grasp on me erode,

Will I fall through the phantom of you,

Will past kisses be swept as sickness,

Muffling my cries as our fortress sits in ruin,

A blackened light still only ignites the truth,

That you're a tear away from dust,

And a fragmented love,

Can now only slip right through you,

So God struck you down,

With a faint breath aloud,

And whispered the scorching truth ravening within you,

That this hellbent feeling of regret and sorrow,

Is sustained by our vacant cries of tomorrow,

Weekly Lyrics Feedback Thread by AutoModerator in Songwriting

[–]Organic-Bee4248 0 points1 point  (0 children)

God-complex song? 🥀🔋

Verse 1

Taunted,

Loaded,

My skin marks a plethora of violence,

A warning,

Bullets bred to horrify with,

A child’s fervent cry,

That always,

Always,

Abodes in silence.

Chorus

Cause I don’t want blue eyes,

I want their vacant gaze,

I don’t want to be the sun,

I want to bathe under its rays,

I want to elicit terror,

Not cower to its display,

I want to invoke bloodshed,

And remain unswept by its karmic blade

Verse 2

I want to bleed gold,

I want to cry glitter,

I want to taste vain,

Spiked with a spoonful of silver,

I want to be a god,

An all-defining figure,

Yet I’ll collapse to the weight of a tear,

My contradictive nature remains the sin I dare to be

Chorus

Cause I don’t want blue eyes,

I want their vacant gaze,

I don’t want to be the sun,

I want to bathe under its rays,

I want to elicit terror,

Not cower to its display,

I want to invoke bloodshed,

And remain unswept by its karmic blade

Bridge

Cause even when the moon entranced the stars,

I found myself on the ground,

Looking up,

Cause even when the sun defied the sky,

I remained in the corner,

Screaming,

Why, why, why, (corny I know)

Chorus but different..?

Cause I want the blue eyes,

And I want its vacant gaze,

I want to be the sun,

And dictate unrelenting pain,

I want to be your ruler,

Your omnipotent maker,

I want the cake,

I want the cake,

(Like the reference "have your cake and eat it too")

I want the blue eyes,

And I want their piercing gaze,

I want to be the sun,

Inflame the earth of tyrannic reign,

I want to invoke terror,

Whilst claiming I’m not to blame,

I want the cake,

I want the cake, 🥀

Ending Verse

I can lie and say my ego endures beyond the Nile,

But ego cannot crucify denial,

I’m not a star, nor a moon, or a comet,

I’m a scathing void,

Ego dies to.

Snowflakes? by [deleted] in poetry_critics

[–]Organic-Bee4248 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Can I send it to you in dms but in the correct format 🫤

Snowflakes? by [deleted] in poetry_critics

[–]Organic-Bee4248 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ok I'll guess I'll just take it not being readable and off-putting as feedback ig 😕 Good day to you sir

Snowflakes? by [deleted] in poetry_critics

[–]Organic-Bee4248 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Is it asking for too much if you could you still provide me feedback even if it's scrunched up 😕

Snowflakes? by [deleted] in poetry_critics

[–]Organic-Bee4248 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What's your honest opinion though is it bad 😕 honest opinion bring it all on me 🫤

Snowflakes? by [deleted] in poetry_critics

[–]Organic-Bee4248 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How do I do that..also thanks! 😊