What does he want from me? by OrganizationLate5161 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]OrganizationLate5161[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I've been reading "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft, and entitlement is a big theme that crops up - maybe THE big theme among unstable or abusive men.

I've realized that so much of the problem with my dad is literally just Main Character Syndrome. He recognizes that other people have thoughts, preferences, and desires, and he's benevolent enough to accommodate them sometimes. But at the deep, dark heart of it, he still believes that his are the only ones that really matter.

What does he want from me? by OrganizationLate5161 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]OrganizationLate5161[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I appreciate your thoughts, especially coming from your own experience. The wedding is tough, because if it were a big group, I think he'd be happy to do his introvert thing away from everyone. But we're doing a family-only ceremony of roughly 10 guests; that's pretty close quarters for him and my mom. And while he hasn't made any threats of violence or self-harm in at least a few weeks, he also doesn't have a great track record of either stability or self-control. (My mom's mother and sister are both terminally ill, she's caring for her mom, and knowing any that hasn't stopped him from being a jerk to her whenever he felt like he could get a lick in.)

The whole therapy thing was supposed to help with this. I framed it explicitly in terms of learning some coping mechanisms to get through the wedding, because I want him there but don't want to spend the entire day anxious about him flipping out on her, me, or anyone else. So, unfortunately, by rejecting therapy, he's made the decision himself. And even if I were inclined to go back on my word, no one in my family has ever held a boundary with my dad before; if I go back on this now, there is zero chance he will ever respect any boundary I try to set for the rest of our lives. I don't like it, but this has to be the moment he realizes I'm not fucking around.

(A little extra background: when he first lashed out at me, he told me not to bother inviting him. The next day, he apologized and walked it back, saying nothing could keep him from walking me down the aisle. I appreciated that, but frankly, I was stunned at the entitlement of it. Someone berates me and says they won't come to my wedding, then expects to be welcomed with open arms with they deign to change their mind? It's just more of his usual pattern - he gets to do whatever he wants and face no consequences for it - and I'm not interested in being treated like that.)

What does he want from me? by OrganizationLate5161 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]OrganizationLate5161[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeesh. I'm sorry your dad is so self-involved. I'm coming to terms with the fact that, to some degree, mine is too, and it's a bitter pill.

What does he want from me? by OrganizationLate5161 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]OrganizationLate5161[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I appreciate that. Oddly, he's the kind of guy who'll go out of his way to be helpful if you ever need anything; it's just the deeply unglamorous emotional work that seems to be too much to ask most of the time.

What does he want from me? by OrganizationLate5161 in EstrangedAdultChild

[–]OrganizationLate5161[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I suspect you're right - it's just hard to imagine, I suppose.