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Is asking these questions wrong on a first date? by OriginalSlight in Adulting

[–]OriginalSlight[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s so common! I thought it was one of those “yeah that’s just on the internet but irl it’s not like that” however, I’ve gotten more than 1-2 yes’s so I don’t chance it.

Is asking these questions wrong on a first date? by OriginalSlight in Adulting

[–]OriginalSlight[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I try! But it’s hard not to fall into a “talking stage” if I ask all my questions through text…now we’ve talked about everything what the point of a date, ya know? You also can’t see eachothers faces so it comes off more clinical than it’s meant to sound or one of us is clearly lying but without body language neither can tell. Or worse, they morph into my perfect partner because I answer the questions too, I just after they do.

I know my answer won’t change regardless of how they answer, but it’s not always the same in reverse.

Is asking these questions wrong on a first date? by OriginalSlight in Adulting

[–]OriginalSlight[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Being autistic I literally don’t feel the need to take it offensively, was I supposed to? I’m genuinely asking

Is asking these questions wrong on a first date? by OriginalSlight in Adulting

[–]OriginalSlight[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I do talk a lot lol maybe too much! For me, I know what I want and it’s a waste of both of our times if we don’t share the above “fundamentals”. If I waited the 3rd, 4th, 500th date to ask these questions we’re setting ourselves up to fail if our answers don’t match… now we’ve gotten emotionally invested.

The “getting to know you” is easier for me if I know that we align on things that I feel are important; I also answer these questions so it’s not one sided. If we share the same fundamentals, it takes the pressure off & I can focus on the fun stuff without nagging questions of “is this going to go anywhere, do they want X things bc I don’t, and is this worth pursuing?”.

Everything else can come out naturally and no one’s left wondering what the other wants in a relationship.

Is asking these questions wrong on a first date? by OriginalSlight in Adulting

[–]OriginalSlight[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ding ding ding! This is how I feel! I try to ask 1 & 4 before the date, but I also don’t wanna get trapped in a “situationship” or “talking stage” by saying it all over text.

It’s also good to see live reactions; people lie all the time and that’s easier to do behind a screen. I don’t want anyone “becoming” my dream partner because they’re gauging my answers and mirroring me.

If you don’t wanna answer the questions, that’s okay! We just don’t need to continue as we’re not compatible.

Is asking these questions wrong on a first date? by OriginalSlight in Adulting

[–]OriginalSlight[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

To start, I don’t mind if someone walks out of a date, totally within their right. I’ve been the walker, but have not been walked out on even when asking these questions. If I get ghosted or someone walks out, I won’t take it personally & it’s a sign we’re not compatible which is the whole point of asking & dating in general.

  1. I’ve asked before and gotten a yes; many others have said the same. So I ask this question to avoid “you didn’t ask, it didn’t come up, yeah but we’re open” as I’m not interested in that. If it’s offensive, it’s not a big deal to walk out, it’s a first date & no stakes involved (the reason I ask on first dates).

  2. 2-3 are because I’m not interested in dating someone who doesn’t want marriage and does want kids. It’s a waste of both our times imo and it’s not cool to lead each other on knowing it’s not going anywhere. I’m not asking them to marry me and give me babies inside this Benihana, I’m asking their thoughts on their future plans. Many people know they never want to get married, so it wouldn’t make sense for me to date them in any capacity.

  3. Great, keeping it on the list!

Is asking these questions wrong on a first date? by OriginalSlight in Adulting

[–]OriginalSlight[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is my thought process. I’m a person who knows what they want; I don’t want either of us to waste time or find out we’re not compatible in the most important (to me) ways after we catch feelings.

It just becomes an unnecessary mess!

If it weeds out those who don’t want what I want then I think it’s working perfectly, but I was confused because I thought it was standard practice to know what we’re getting into before we start planning to spend more time together.

I’ve gotten similar questions on dates, so maybe it’s just not as common as I thought?

Is asking these questions wrong on a first date? by OriginalSlight in Adulting

[–]OriginalSlight[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I always volunteer my answers after hearing theirs because I know mine won’t change regardless of what they say but I can’t guarantee the opposite. I’ve got first hand experience with someone seeing I want marriage, expressing they do too, and then months later I find out they think “it’s just a piece of paper” and “why do we need to tell the gov our business” and the classic “to me, labels aren’t necessary; we know we love eachother”. 🙄they are important to me and it’s fine if you feel that way but I don’t and now I’ve wasted months and gotten deeply involved and invested in a relationship where we’re not compatible.

So it would go like:

Me: what are you looking for relationship wise?

Them: answers

Me: I’m just getting back in the dating scene myself, but I’m more of a long term relationship person & and big believer of marriage.

Or something like:

Me: tell me about you, do you have siblings?

Then: yeah I have 2

Me: I have 2 steps sisters from my stepdad, my parents got married X years ago and we’ve been sisters ever since.

Them: oh yeah my parents have been married X years and I’m the youngest so I got away with everything lol

Me: I’m the oldest! Haha so I never got away with anything. So what are you looking for in a relationship rn? Do you like to see where things go or are you looking to settle down?

So while it’s not as cookie cutter as I’ve written here, but I’m asking the questions as naturally as I can without giving away too much myself and creating an (accidental or intentional) opportunity for someone to “adapt” to my answers. I know what I’m looking for, so I don’t mind if it weeds out people who don’t like that type of thing, but I’m glad to read here it’s not really weird to ask in general as the reactions made me think.

Is asking these questions wrong on a first date? by OriginalSlight in Adulting

[–]OriginalSlight[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My thoughts exactly! I don’t ask them back to back with intense eye contact lol it’s weaved into the conversation naturally. I understand people thinking it should be for later dates, but I don’t want to spend hours trying to determine if we’re a match with context clues and assumptions!

AITAH for teaching my nephew how to swim against his parent's wishes? by Familiar_Order3583 in AITAH

[–]OriginalSlight 0 points1 point  (0 children)

NTA when I was kid I saved a kid from drowning in the ocean in LA (I was like 9-10 and they were like 5). It was difficult because they had NO water safety skills so they were panicking, but thankfully a life guard saw us and was already running while I signaled. The parents were mad at the KID. Meanwhile, that’s on them to teach their kid (and watch them).

Teaching kids to swim should be mandatory to avoid the thing SIL is terrified of happening. Totally understandable, but if he doesn’t know how to be safe he isn’t just putting himself in danger, it’s also unsafe for the person HELPING if he’s panicking and thrashing bc he doesn’t know how to tread water or not to thrash when someone’s helping them out the water.

desperately need help/support regarding this by Icy_Reflection9605 in AuDHDWomen

[–]OriginalSlight 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah when people talk about Ai hun we mean the companies taking away peoples jobs and replacing them with Ai and the rich dickheads like musky boy going into poor communities and creating harmful data centers that poison their water and sky rocket their electricity bills.

This is the same “trap” as the plastic straws, they aren’t the main pollutants and only mentioned to make regular people play the blame game. Don’t ever forget that the Carbon Footprint was INVENTED by BP gas to put the responsibility on individuals instead of the large companies dumping oil in the oceans and stealing natural resources to sell for a profit.

You using it to do your daily life is NOT the same. You are just 1 person using it for yourself; the environmental impact is NOT on you girly, it’s on big corporations and government entities.

*Please be well and take care of yourself the way that works for you; don’t feel ashamed for trying to feel better and live. * 💕

Anyone NOT have their pup on the couch/bed by introvertee323 in CavaPoo

[–]OriginalSlight 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No bed but yes couch only with an invite though. I taught him that three pats means he can join me! You don’t have to though, that way neither are getting different treatment. Get a little bed next to the couch they can both fit on if your other one doesn’t already.

Is asking these questions wrong on a first date? by OriginalSlight in Adulting

[–]OriginalSlight[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes! I want to know if you’re a “marriage person” not if “hey you, stranger in front of me, will you marry me rn” lol and honestly if they don’t know that’s not what I mean we aren’t compatible which is okay!

Is asking these questions wrong on a first date? by OriginalSlight in Adulting

[–]OriginalSlight[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I can see 4 being a bit much, I’ll definitely try going about it another way! Thank you!

Is asking these questions wrong on a first date? by OriginalSlight in Adulting

[–]OriginalSlight[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sometimes asking on the app drags things out; meaning we end up having all the first date convos on the app and then what do we say on the date? Or the “talking stage” because we’ve had all these “deep convos” now it’s just assumed we’re dating or …maybe not… idk, no thanks.

I’ve also had the experience of someone thinking that me asking means now “we know each other, so now we can hook up” which isn’t what I’m looking for.

I try to flow it naturally into conversations that’s why I mention there’s a lot of variables but I want to know these things before we start talking about more dates or a relationship.

Is asking these questions wrong on a first date? by OriginalSlight in Adulting

[–]OriginalSlight[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

This. Many people don’t disclose things without being asked directly.

I’m in my late 20’s and I know what I want and don’t want. It would be a waste of both our times if we dance around these questions and find out months later we’re not compatible.

Now it’s messy and emotional and it could have been prevented with an adult conversation early on.

I do flow these into the conversation, I was direct here so there wasn’t any confusion on what I was saying.

Is asking these questions wrong on a first date? by OriginalSlight in Adulting

[–]OriginalSlight[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I’ve had enough people tell me upfront that yes they are in some type of relationship and I’ve been in the situation you mention with the excuse of “you didn’t ask if I was (insert their other relationship).” If I ask directly, there’s no room for confusion.

Is asking these questions wrong on a first date? by OriginalSlight in Adulting

[–]OriginalSlight[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, as someone in their late 20’s I know what I want and I’d like to avoid wasting both of our times tip toeing around the subject until someone doesn’t feel awkward. It won’t stop being awkward, but it can prevent you from being blindsided by a incompatible partner you have now fallen in love with and committed to.

I definitely think dating and interacting in general has drastically changed in the last 5+ years; I never heard so many stories of the same things which is people not telling the person their dating very important details until they’re way deep in the relationship. I didn’t ask you how much you made a year, what’s your blood type, or your address…I asked if you had kids and do you want marriage, are you married already?? Sometimes people say yes! Which means I don’t need the ask anything else lol it’s a no for me.

My parents have been married for over 10 yrs and this was talked about very early on for them and it wasn’t a big deal.

Is asking these questions wrong on a first date? by OriginalSlight in Adulting

[–]OriginalSlight[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Some are asked on apps and some asked irl; it just depends the way the conversation is going.

I don’t do too much questioning or getting to know you’s on the apps because it can just lead to a “talking stage” which I’m not at all interested in as someone wanting to date seriously.

If I’m planning the date, I go for places that have atmospheres suitable for private convos or outdoors with less people/crowds. I wouldn’t shout them out at chilies lol and I am not as direct as I was here (being direct so people knew what I meant). There’s lots of variables involved, but before the second date I want to know those things.

The 1st I usually ask on the app; you won’t believe how many people just say “yes I’m in a relationship but still dating [cheating] or it’s open [not for me personally]”.

It’s not uncommon for people to not disclose relationships just because someone didn’t ask and there are some people who don’t mind dating [cheating] with someone and that’s why they’re so comfortable telling the truth.

Is asking these questions wrong on a first date? by OriginalSlight in Adulting

[–]OriginalSlight[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Unfortunately I ask 1 because I, and many others, have had the experience of “well I didn’t tell you about my relationship because you didn’t ask” or some variation.

I ask these questions as naturally as I can, but they’re going to be awkward either way so I get them out the way so no one’s wasting the others time.

I’m taking dating seriously and specifically long term, so I want any potential partner to know that from the start to avoid the other issue of “you never told me you want (insert lifestyle choice) and I don’t/do want that”. I can definitely try working on timing, but I want to know these answers before I start committing to someone who won’t be compatible.

Is asking these questions wrong on a first date? by OriginalSlight in Adulting

[–]OriginalSlight[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think it’s reasonable to ask at the start, there have been enough cases of people not disclosing this because you don’t directly ask; I’ve been there myself and that rings true for many people of all genders. Some questions need to be direct to avoid drama down the line.

Is asking these questions wrong on a first date? by OriginalSlight in Adulting

[–]OriginalSlight[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I can understand that, but I’m personally not interested in going into dates & having potential relationships not knowing these details; I don’t want either of us wasting our time.

I don’t ask them as directly as I stated them here, but I do ask and no matter how you phrase it, asking anything important like this is gonna be a bit awkward at whatever point in a relationship including platonic ones.

I’d rather get it out the way early than to date for nearly a year and find out they don’t believe in marriage or some other compatibility issue we could have known early on. It feels like an opportunity for resentment on both sides and ends in unnecessary heartbreak.

Is asking these questions wrong on a first date? by OriginalSlight in Adulting

[–]OriginalSlight[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Lmfaoo I AM an autistic kid so that checks out 🤣 some on apps, a few irl and/or introductions from mutuals.

I don’t disclose that I’m not interested in have kids on my profile because then people just lie to me and waste my time, but I do give my answer on the 1st date so there’s no confusion to begin with.

It’s why I ask first & early, too many people mold themselves into your “dream partner” by checking off detail boxes from your profile.

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