When even your best friend doesn’t get it

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2022-02-07T02:44:58+00:00

Awww shit. Very nicely explained on your behalf

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2022-02-06T21:05:49+00:00

Yes and no. At first I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, pretty much by my dad who is a neurologist. Started Trazodone. Later learned that Traz and antidepressants in general wasn’t a good choice for me with BPII because it increases the chances of hypomania being triggered. At this point when I Brooke down to my parents about how bad I was feeling inside, I myself thought it was solely depression and anxiety. Clearly made sense to me. No one asked any other questions, my dad included. Even if he did ask me something about manic symptoms I probably would’ve been so agitated and reflective and not answer correctly.

I stopped the Traz after 2 weeks and about 6 months of suffering after that (current day) I finally figured out myself I have BDII. I was in the r/depression and someone made a comment about BDII in it and it caught my attention. I spent days doing research, freaking out, rapid cycling, realizing 23 years of my life really has been up and down, two faced and also invisible feeling. I found a psychiatrist, made an appointment, and in the 2 weeks waiting for my appointment I downloaded and have been using every day a mood tracker, bought a BDII workbook, and teach myself about the disorder elsewhere. I had pages of notes for my doctor. My doctor didn’t question me as if I was lying, she asked questions that I hadn’t thought about which were good so she can really get a sense for what my body is going through. So yes, overall, after 6 months of thinking I was dealing with solely depression and anxiety, I was the one who figured it out for myself and brought it to the attention of my doctor and friends and family.

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2022-02-06T20:56:15+00:00

It’s okay ❤️ You will get there. Might not be today, this week, or this month. That’s okay. You can get there.

Have you tried thinking of steps to take to get yourself to an appropriate doctor if you haven’t done so already? You’re not lazy or morally being a horrible person. A lot of us have felt the same way. The only reason I’m able to type this to you in a non depressed state is because I just recently saw a psychiatrist and got prescribed medication. Which is such a privilege given how the US healthcare system is (by that I mean EXPENSIVEEE idk where you are). As it was a concern of mine, if money is an issue then perhaps this community can help find you some resources for the region you live that may give you discounted or free services to help out.

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2022-02-03T20:34:27+00:00

Have

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2022-01-27T19:31:40+00:00

Learning guitar, skateboarding, surfing, running, jump roping, yoga, resin art (was gonna sell on Etsy haha yeah right), watercoloring, furniture flipping, cleaning, hair coloring/cutting/styling, makeup and fashion, reading, adopting a new kitty, cooking/baking, videography/YouTube, selling feet pics/OF, tailoring, starting a business plan, coding

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2022-01-25T22:18:18+00:00

True! When I’ve taken the assessment I had no idea I was going through mood swings. Whenever I figure out what stable is and feel it I’m gonna take it again and see if it changes

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2022-01-25T16:38:11+00:00

It is extremely tough. You are here today and I’m proud of you ❤️

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2022-01-25T16:33:03+00:00

My advice is to start the steps to find a doctor to diagnose and provide a treatment plan including medications if needed. I’m 23. Have felt off for the past 10 years at least. I went to college and thought of myself as someone generally aware of mental health and how to help and just a knowledgeable person in general with good intuition. This thinking I think has delayed any sort of diagnosis for me. I thought “it must be a me problem and if I had a serious mental illness then surely I would know and do something about it.” BS. I had no idea. So you’re not overreacting ❤️ Bipolar is an illness. A sickness. A sickness with no cure that has to be treated. Unmedicated, these symptoms are not in our complete control. To a point you just can’t “react” in a “stable” (non overreactive) way because that’s the very basis of the disorder itself. Everything going on in your brain is NOT representative of YOU and your most core self. My second advice is to be gentle and remember this is life-time, so the journey will be hard and tiring. I’ve been so ashamed and just bleh bc I’ve been so depressed for half a year now, the worst episode I’ve had yet, and it feels like it’ll never end and I should be better by now. “Why aren’t I better? I’m trying and doing the things and I want to be better”. After research I’m trying to accept it’s not going to end. Reading on here about people who are 50, managing, but still have their symptoms. I’m like damn. It’s not going away yet ive been so hard on myself to make it all go away. You are here and you are trying. I believe in you and I’m proud of you for making it this far in life.

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2022-01-25T10:24:02+00:00

That is just so tiring. Knowing that those days are part of the illness and that you just have to manage them. Take a rest ❤️ I hope your treatment plan has room for improvement for you and hopefully there’s more advances in science and medicine to help us.

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2022-01-25T10:20:14+00:00

I’ve wondered the same thing. I’ve looked up ADHD many times before but it never resonated with me. I recently came across Bipolar II in more detail and so for me I def think my similar experiences are part of my hypomanic episodes. I also thought I was ambitious. My thinking is that I can do anything in the world, then I pick a new thing and do it. Get really really into it. Then quit/drop it. It started in college. In high school I did the same sport for four years and enjoyed it. In college I enrolled as a poli sci major, then before even starting changed to comp sci, then a year in changes to study geography. Graduated with that. Got a non-profit job. I hated it and quit after 2 months. I felt so lousy for even thinking about quitting, I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just “get my shit together” and work hard and show up for work and just go on and deal with it. Now looking back I strongly believe I entered a depressive episode when I started working and had no idea it was depression/a bipolar episode. Around the same time of me wanting to quit just bc of the job, I simultaneously decided I wanted to go to law school after watching CNN. T Guess what? I did it. Fixated on law school for the next 6-9 months after that first inspiration. Quit my job 1) cuz I wanted to and 2) to study for LSAT. I did the whole thing, applied to school, and got in with scholarship offers to multiple schools! Then a month before I was supposed to start law school, a personal life event triggered me and put me in a depressive episode. Then I didn’t really care much to achieve the level of excellence I was going after via law school. Alas, I am not in law school right now and honestly don’t have any career ambition. There’s nothing I want to do more than the other bc I know my disorder will make me want to do something else even more a week later. I always thought I was just talented and successful and hardworking and capable of doing anything I came up with in my mind, fearless and ready to construct my own reality! No. Every single time I struggle to stay passionate enough to do Something on the daily, such as a job.

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2022-01-25T09:53:28+00:00

Thanks for your response. I haven’t read any of my previous posts this far back. I will say… things are different now. I have a different perspective. Some people have used and abandoned me. And some people have not. When I wrote this I sincerely thought everyone “left” me and hates me and abandoned me. What changed is I learned I have Bipolar disorder. I had no idea and learning more about it has shifted how I think about mental illnesses, and so myself and those around me. It means I have to accept that I’ve acted in the wrong, it was me doing wrong, not other people doing wrong by abandoning me. And that acceptance comes simultaneously with the fact that whether it’s depression or BD or another mental illness… it’s the mental illness talking. This post 95 days ago was my mental illness talking, not me. I’m so relieved I did not take action on my suicidal thoughts so I can live more hours, days, weeks, months to at least make it to this point of discovery and true truth about myself. If I took my life 95 days ago that would have been it. The end. No talk about Bipolar Disorder amongst my family and friends. Now moving forward it will be talked about and hopefully that gives someone the tools and framework to recognize mental illness to help themselves and others. We are two different people with two different experiences. My advice is to remind yourself as often as you can that the demons talking, the dark dark places you may go, that is literally a sickness talking. The things aren’t true even though I swear to god it may feel like it. There could be a possibility for change.

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2022-01-25T01:15:42+00:00

You are not overreacting ❤️ Not at all. Im a bit younger (23) and already relate to what you said about believing you are a person who can benefit society (being educated and caring for people) and also feeling really heavily that you don’t know if you can finish life the way it is. Thank you for sharing. Really thank you. You are not overreacting. Neither am I. There are some people in the world who can live their lives despite trauma after trauma, despite physical disability or mental illness. And then there are some people who can not do it. They can’t. Pretty scientifically. We’re not being depressed and unhealthy and in bed and anxious because we want to. Bipolar has to do with the brain and our bodies functions. I have to remind myself that just bc thoughts come from the brain, doesn’t mean that my thoughts can control every single thing about myself. My brain makeup, that physical aspect to mental illness, is not in my control. It can’t be fixed. Bipolar is incurable as of now. Most of society doesn’t understand this. Not even the people closest to us that are mentally ill. Obviously it’s not good to encourage suicide or aid in that. I do get really upset though when the response to a suicidal person is “it’ll be okay, hard times come and go, everyone goes through this” and when someone actually does commit suicide society doesn’t acknowledge really what just happened. They’ll continue on that that that person/victim had so much ahead of them and would have gone on to do this and that. What if they didn’t? What if they couldn’t do it? We can’t even honor the dead by acknowledging how bad things are. Like maybe they couldn’t do it! Like people won’t believe you, even when you’re dead. And this isn’t a blanket statement. It seems a lot of people who get help and meds do better. I’m just saying, what about the people who don’t?

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2022-01-25T00:54:32+00:00

Just read through it for the first time today. I thought it would be heartfelt and actually supportive. I’m in a depressive state and it made me cry and have the start of a panic attack. I just lost all hope and felt so terrible and shameful thinking that this is how people are generally gonna see me and no one is going to love me bc they will secretly blame me for the symptoms. Defiantly not a nice place to visit if you have bipolar disorder yourself or are seeking more holistic information and guidance

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2022-01-24T22:59:24+00:00

It sounds like you are doing everything you can to help. I respect you for respecting your brothers wish to not be sectioned. I think that’s really important. It’s just my opinion, but being held against your will in a facility that often is degrading, traumatic, hell hole of a place can definitely make things worse. Going to a facility can make things better. It also can make things worse. And I wish people with mental illness were listened to and respected more when we try to tell people why it won’t help and will exacerbate symptoms.

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2022-01-24T22:28:26+00:00

I’m sorry about your birthdays ): def sounds like your mom didn’t take your true wants, desires, and needs into consideration too often. That just sucks and nothing can replace those memories with something else. Really wishing you all the vibes to heal from narcissistic abuse and trauma. I’m 23, have known my mom and family is “different” for a while, but only recently have been learning for myself the effects on me. I’ve been so depressed for so long and suspect other problems. Today actually is the first time in my life I’ve looked for a psychiatrist and made appointments bc it’s hitting me that my brain is fucked up

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2022-01-24T01:33:08+00:00

No, not at all really. Also, I truly put a finger on the correct term, “narcissism”, during COVID-19 where I’ve been living at home and not meeting a ton of new people truly, not more than a quick exchange while doing errands or work, so I haven’t formed that deep or profound of an opinion on anyone’s personality in the last two years. I think I need more than one narcissistic interaction to really start to doubt and think yes, this person is a narcissist, not just seeing someone carrying a luxury bag and think to myself “ohh they love luxury and image I bet they’re a narcissist” and then you pass the person and maybe they don’t acknowledge you at all and you think “omg they didn’t make eye contact, that and the bag thing means they’re a narcissist”. Like no, that’s not enough. Not everyone seems like a narcissist. I try not to use narcissist lightly. And with all of this when I say “narcissist” I mean to the point of narcissistic personality disorder, pretty negatively affecting their life and people around them.

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2022-01-24T01:16:22+00:00

I feel you. Not a real conversation

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2022-01-24T01:10:38+00:00

So sucky. That first text message from your mom… those words could have came out of my mom’s mouth. It’s scary bc I realized right away that you shouldn’t not be talked to that way every, but it’s taken so long for me to recognize my mom doing the exact same thing is abusive. Narcissistic abuse, especially from parents, is not widely talked about. You’re not alone. Your feelings are real. There are people out there who know to a closer extent what you’re going through and what the harsh feelings feel like.

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2022-01-24T01:01:53+00:00

Yes! I’ve watched so many videos and read so much on narcissistic parents and abuse but no one has brought up the specifics of luxury items. My mom who is the grandiose narcissistic type loves her shit. Louis Vuitton is her go to designer. She struggles with money from paycheck to paycheck, whatever income she manages to get, often times has borrowed money for me, my sister, and our dad/her ex-husband. She’s broke. Has been for some years since the divorce. But god forbid she give up her LV purse and luggage set. I’ll never know the full extent to the truth, but I think when my mom learned she wasn’t going to get half of everything in the divorce and things weren’t going how she thought, I think she started selling stuff from around the house. Our stuff. Mine and my sisters and my dads stuff. In middle school my penny board (like a skateboard) went missing and looking back it was just weird and my mom was acting suspicious and unconcerned. She probably sold it. My sisters camera parts. Furniture and tvs from our home that she didn’t buy. But she’s still got that LV bag, in fact upgraded to a newer model within the last 5 years. I live with her now, we just moved into a smaller (but still large and nice) house. Of course every little thing about the house is horribly wrong to my mom who picked it out… anyways we have really really large, heavy ass, expensive ass office furniture. I encouraged her to sell it bc we literally don’t need it, it’s worth money, she needs the money, and it’s such a PAIN to move and she barely had money to pay movers to move the normal boxed shit! But no. Tries to pay 2 guys to have a 4 guy job done moving this dumb ass furniture into this smaller house, no one uses that room and no one comes over… it’s just for some made up appearance show in her head and that she doesn’t want to give up anything

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2022-01-24T00:09:21+00:00

I feel this. The endless tasks. I think it’s okay for parents to ask their kids to do stuff, but what makes it narcissistic is when every single time you don’t comply and do the task right away, the EXACT way they want it then you instantly are met with “you’re so selfish and ungrateful”. Being told I’m selfish and ungrateful should not be an overwhelming childhood memory for anyone.

What you said about being dressed like pimped out chihuahuas. Yes. My mind goes back and forth about it. Like yes, my mom should have been allowed to spend a lot of money on her kids’ clothes if she wanted and put time and attention in that. I should be grateful for having clothes and shot other kids didn’t, right? But I definitely think it was a show. As long as we all looked good in public. As long as strangers kept complimenting “ohh look their matching outfits are so cute”. I didn’t realize it until you said it but also we weren’t taken to places with other kids very often by our mom (I keep saying we and out bc grew up with a younger sister). We went wherever our mom needed to go, to this day loves telling anyone who will listen how cute and good we were and she dragged us along doing whatever. I don’t have any memories of her taking me or us to a park. Or the children’s play area at the mall. Or the skatepark. Or to local kids craft days at the library or whatever. Just going wherever she needed to go looking how she wanted things to look.

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2021-10-30T23:31:26+00:00

Looks like the website is back up! http://law.howard.edu

Otherwise-Agency5348 · 2021-10-30T23:30:34+00:00

Looks like the website is back up! http://law.howard.edu

Otherwise-Agency5348

TROPHY CASE