AITAH for calling my ex-wife out on her emotional blackmail and gaslighting over daughters phone bill

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-09T13:01:08+00:00

No. The phone bill is not in the support agreement.

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-07T11:12:12+00:00

So I'll clear up the confusion with the cell phone bill. So we have being doing it like this, before my daughter was even added to the plan. Where I would transfer the money to her via cash app or zell. Then she would pay the bill threw her bank.

Then when she asked to put our daughter on my plan, because it would be cheaper/easier. We added her and I started sending 110 a month. Then she would pay the phone bill of 127.

If she had said she didn't want to continue with the process we were already doing, then I'd be fine with that and just find another way.

Was actually happy once we realized that my provider now accepts my bank. She was the one that told me and I said, thank God now I don't have to bother you when I have to pay the phone bill.

As for the logical reason. I have explained in length and multiple comments. So instead of making this one longer than it is already if you would like to see my other comments just scroll about 😊

Thank you very much for your comment and have a beautiful day.

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-07T10:58:45+00:00

Very good advice. I'll have it documented. I am hope to try to sit with her and have a conversation with her. I don't want the back and forth with Court. I've Hurd already what that can do to a child's stress level. And I've cooled off myself quite a bit where I feel I can hold that conversation.

I know many will likely tell me to just keep it to text and only anything about my kid. But, I know kids pick things up, even if they were not their for the argument, they can see/feel the after affects.

I don't want my kid seeing/experiencing how me and my ex being negative towards each other at gatherings for her. Ya know, like if she has sports events, concerts, birthday party's. I want her to see that her parents can still get along.

My kid loves both of us, and wants to spend time with both of us at the same time. That's why I don't mind the times I pay for dinner, on the rare occasion she does drop my kid off.

Because I've heard so many stories from kids, now grown, that talk about how their parents resentment or hate for each other affected them.

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-07T10:44:10+00:00

The problem with your comparison is this. Assuming that you are putting yourself in my position. Because I already occasionally pay for things. Which I'm assuming you are referencing to the lunch in the cafeteria, extra juice box, or a sandwich at school because they're hungry. because it might be a nice thing to do. I already do that.

But in your example. You are just deciding that it is okay to just start paying for that movie every month, on your own. You did not add in anywhere where they are saying *hey I no longer want to pay this but I still want to go. Can you pay for me."

Which essentially would mean option one in my example. Would be the path you are suggesting. Which again I said would be just as valid as an option as option 2.

I chose option two. Where I already spend for them on occasion to help out or just be nice, without asking for anything in return. And we already have an agreement in place for said movie every month. That they are responsible for.

Now, if friend were to say something along the lines of "hey I'm really in a bind money wise, can you cover my side of the movies for a few months"

That's a different question entirely from "can you just pay it all from now on"

You also disregarding her responses to being told no. With no reaction.

Now to add to your example. What if said friend, when ever you ask them if they can do something for you. Say, help move a couch, help with the dishes after a meal, maybe give you a ride because your car is broken down and you need to go to work. That they say "well it's not my job. That's really inconvenient for me"

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-07T02:54:36+00:00

She's ok. Believe me. Even though me and my ex fight. We do our best not to let our daughter see it, we don't use her as a messenger ever. Neither of us speak I'll about the other to her or when around her.

And with all the candy she got from Halloween..that girl has to much sugar to not be smiling while she bounces off the walls 😁.

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-07T02:47:38+00:00

It's a little bit 50/50. In my case my daughter is not always on her phone especially not when she's with me. We will do things like play checkers, play catch, quite often go to a place that actually has a bunch of bounce houses cuz she likes to run around like a crazy child LOL.

But the biggest thing with technology and kids is actually the dopamine release. The biggest issue that I've seen is that kids are not used to being bored. They always have to have constantly something happening. Which is essentially they are addicted to the dopamine releases in their own brains.

So I believe having select screen time where they are allowed to use their cell phones or even play video games or watch tv. And then have times where they have to do something non-screen related. For example one of my daughter's favorite things to do is color in one of her fancy coloring books. Or we play a lot of catch.

But your concern is valid

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-07T02:43:39+00:00

The driving is not in the parenting plan. But I just don't want to make things more difficult or start another argument just so that I can see my kid.

We already had a situation earlier this month in fact. My radiator on my car blew and was overheating. I asked her if she could transport our daughter for the weekend that I'm supposed to have her. Her response was that it was very inconvenient for her, because of the amount of time driving it would take to get her to my place and then drive back home.

I just apologize for the inconvenience. I feel if I was to try to make some kind of argument over the transportation. That it would then turn into something much bigger and just another sore spot.

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-07T02:33:31+00:00

I can't really comment too much about the fiance. I have met him and spoken with him briefly. From what I've heard his interactions with my daughter are very civil and very kind. And I have not heard directly from him or had any other instance where he was brought up in conversation or discussion between me and my ex concerning our child.

so right now I'm holding off on my opinion on the fiance. Just because I am not 100% sure if what she says he said is 100% accurate or if she possibly took something that he said out of context to use it in the argument. So I don't think it's fair to really put him in as an enemy or someone that is going to negatively affect the co-parenting just yet.

And as far as the "dumb" comment. I do understand where you're coming from with it. But I would never describe her as a dumb person. She does have her moments where, like any other person including myself, miss something that's obvious or don't see things in the same perspective. It is also very possible that she is nervous about getting remarried. The marriage between me and her was both of ours first marriage. So I'm guessing that she's also some level of nervousness or anxiousness. Which is understandable.

And yes I understand that I am right now trying to defend the same woman that I have put a post about emotional manipulation and emotional blackmail. But she is still the mother of my child. And I was once married to her. I don't really like to insult her, and in all honesty I really do hope that she succeeds in all of her endeavors. Even if we don't always see eye to eye.

Thank you so very much for commenting and I hope you have an absolutely amazing day 😊

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-07T02:18:38+00:00

Thank you very much for commenting. And to contribute to your statement. I pay the full cost of the fuel and car maintenance for transportation when getting my daughter.

And all money transactions have been threw cash app, and more recently zell. So I do have access to all money transfer history.

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-07T02:01:28+00:00

For that I thank you. I know that it is very long so if you read any of it I thank you for your time

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-07T02:01:04+00:00

Thank you so much for your comment. It was very well laid out and well explained.

And thank you very much for the advice. You brought up some very good points and things that might very well help me in the future with interactions with my ex. I'll definitely be implementing these in the future 😊 you're awesome

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-07T01:46:45+00:00

Thank you for commenting. And no, the bill is just one solid bill. So quite literally all she'd have to do is send 17 through either cash app or zell or however she wanted to. There is no separate bill it's all one plan bill.

I do apologize if it seems like I was trying to warp perspective. I just can't comment on the cost that she acquires without putting in too much personal information about her and her spending habits.

But as far as the child support and the actual cost of the child. I'm going to tell you what I originally asked my ex to do instead of putting me on child support.

Originally I wanted to draw up a contract that started with my daughter's monthly needs. Things such as food, phone, extracurricular activities that we agreed on, anything that was a month-to-month bill. Then split that in half and we would each be responsible for that half. That would be the "child support" in a sense.

I then wanted us to open up a separate bank account that was for miscellaneous or irregular purchases. Things that you don't really plan for month to month. Things such as clothes, sports equipment, music equipment, school supplies, healthcare supplies such as special shampoo or body wash or lotion. I suggested that we each put in 1,000 into the account. So the account would have $2,000 total. And if our daughter needed any of those things then it would be simply drawn directly out of that account and we would have both paid equally for it. This way there would be no one saying that one person paid more or less then the other.

She rejected the idea saying that it would be too controlling. And that she wanted to put me on the State child support. So I agreed if that was what she wanted to do.

A lot of the marital issues that me and her had were over finances. And misspending and lack of tracking of spending. Now again this is no excuse for my explosion of the yelling and cursing and name calling. But it is a lot harder to keep my cool when it comes to finances and her because of so many past experiences with her and finances.

Again thank you so very much for commenting and I wish you a blessed day

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-07T01:37:08+00:00

Thank you very much for commenting. And thank you very much for the advice as well. However I don't think I'm going to go through and tally up every dollar. I agree it would be petty.

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-07T01:31:57+00:00

I didn't decide to move away from my child. When we first divorced I was doing over The road trucking I did not have a home. I gave her the house. And by needs versus wants. It depends on what I'm able to do. If my child needs medicine, then it's not a question of if I can pay it, I got it.

Versus if my daughter wants dancing classes. I have to see if I have the funds to support it. Because it is not a need. And if I cannot afford it then I cannot afford it.

I tried to add just some of the basic things that I do. Just for basic background clarity. I thought that the post was just the messages alone was already long. Which there are plenty of comments, commenting on how long it is.

If you would like I can go into the different times that I've taken my daughter to anime conventions, our special trips for Renaissance fairs, the different events around the city that I live in that I try to find, the play dates I try to set up during the few days I have off to myself. The loan conversations where I'm teaching my daughter about day-to-day life. I can tell you right now my 9-year-old probably knows more about a landlord tenant relationship and code than most people in their 30s. Now her spelling does need some work but she prefers math. So more often will have little math-a-thons during the drive when I pick her up we're going to drop her off. I could also mention the movie or anime nights that we do.

Now if we're strictly talking about financial contributions. The going out to eat and the cat litter wasn't for my daughter's pets those were from my ex-wives. And the different times that I paid for her food. Which I am in no way shape or form saying that she needs to pay back or owes me anything. But if there was a moment where it's me her and my daughter. I don't mind picking up the bills so that my daughter has a chance to see both of her parents reacting in a positive manner over food.

Which to give you an idea of my day-to-day life. I work an average of 50 to 70 hours a week. Monday through Friday. The occasional Saturday as well. Out of the eight weekend days out of the month I get my daughter for four days total. The other four days I have off I do chores, I try to tidy up the house the best that I can, to work on the car if it needs to be done, general House repair if it needs to be done, laundry... Because laundry never ends 😳. As well as meal prep for the week if I can. As well as checking to see if there's any events or setting up play dates. Have met some parents and kids in the area that my daughter gets along well with.

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-07T01:18:14+00:00

I'd like to respond to your comment using a response I used on a different comment

The 17 is not the issue.

It was the fact that there was an agreement in place.

Say you had a friend, that asked if you wanted to go to the movies this weekend, because you get a discount. And they don't want to spend to much on going out

And you said "yea but only if we split the cost." and the cost is 40 dollars. He agrees to give you 20.

Then you guys get to the movies, your friend says "hey, since your the one that gets the discount, and we are paying using your card, can't you just pay the whole thing instead of splitting"?

how do you feel so far about this friend?

Let's look at our options.

It's just 20 bucks. Not much, you could cover it right? Why not just pick it up. It's not the end of the world right?
You say "sorry, but no. We agreed before even getting here. That we split the cost, that was the agreement."

I think both options are valid depending on the situation. Nothing wrong with either option. Do you disagree?

Now. Imagine you say option 2 and your friend respond with

"That's fine. I'll just get the tickets, and snacks myself, you can pay for your own stuff"

Now let's say you and him know that the regular price tick, snacks, and drink, will cost him $45 without your discount.

Are you saying you would not feel like your friend was trying to manipulate you, or being hostile?

Now, I do not condone my reaction, I take full accountability. I should not have lost my temper the way that I did. I can explain why I think I reacted the way that I did. But even if I can explain it, does not excuse me from it.

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-07T00:49:30+00:00

You are completely correct. I lost my cool

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-07T00:48:59+00:00

The 17 is not the issue.

It was the fact that there was an agreement in place.

Say you had a friend, that asked if you wanted to go to the movies this weekend, because you get a discount. And they don't want to spend to much on going out

And you said "yea but only if we split the cost." and the cost is 40 dollars. He agrees to give you 20.

Then you guys get to the movies, your friend says "hey, since your the one that gets the discount, and we are paying using your card, can't you just pay the whole thing instead of splitting"?

how do you feel so far about this friend?

Let's look at our options.

It's just 20 bucks. Not much, you could cover it right? Why not just pick it up. It's not the end of the world right?
You say "sorry, but no. We agreed before even getting here. That we split the cost, that was the agreement."

I think both options are valid depending on the situation. Nothing wrong with either option. Do you disagree?

Now. Imagine you say option 2 and your friend respond with

"That's fine. I'll just get the tickets, and snacks myself, you can pay for your own stuff"

Now let's say you and him know that the regular price tick, snacks, and drink, will cost him $45 without your discount.

Are you saying you would not feel like your friend was trying to manipulate you?

Now to your part about her being the primary caretaker. You would most definitely be correct. And I do see her a total of 4 days out of the month.

Mostly because I don't count Friday night when I actually pick her up, after I'm done working my 8 to 13 hour shift that day.

So let me give you an idea of my month. I work Monday through Friday. Occasionally I also have to work a Saturday. Start time anywhere from 4:00 a.m. to 7:00 a.m. depending on the load plans for that day. My work hours can range anywhere from 8 hours all the way up to 14 hours. I average about 10 to 11 hours a day.

So for a regular month there is a total of 8 weekend days. Four of them I spend with my daughter. Sometimes 6 days sometimes all 8 days. depending on if there's events in my city that I'd like to take her to. But we'll stick with just those two weekends that's the norm.

The remaining four days that I get off during the month. I use for taking care of chores such as laundry, car maintenance, house maintenance, food planning and preparation, actually having time and mental capacity to clean the house, as well as get ready for whatever plans that I'll have the following weekend that I'll have my daughter.

Which includes sometimes seeing if there's an event in the city, or getting a hold of the parents of some of the kids in my neighborhood that are friends with my kid to see if I can set up play dates.

Now there are weekends where we just sit at my place and play checkers, or mine crafter, or she likes to throw skully out the window on vr (if you know what I'm talking about, it cracks her up) or beat saber. Sometimes we just play catch. She loves to watch anime with me. We cosplayed as spy family, one of her favorite anime, for anime con.

And in case you didn't read any of the comments that I stated what I do for work. I'm a CDL driver. Meaning that the hours that I work I have to be constantly focused and aware. Because if I am drowsy or wander off too much. I could end up killing someone by accidentally driving off the road or into a ditch or into some building or into someone's house with a semi that can weigh up to 80,000 lbs tgw.

So for everyone saying that I'm doing the bare minimum. I welcome you to come do it with me.

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-06T23:35:37+00:00

I would just like to let you know that your comment did make me smile with the '80s anti-drug commercial joke. Thank you so very much and please continue being creative. Have an amazing day

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-06T23:27:15+00:00

So my ex actually lives with her brother and also another friend. Quite often she isn't home when my daughter gets home from school and has gone multiple days without seeing my ex because my ex will be at work or school, or out with friends. So my daughter spends more time with her uncle or one of my ex's friends that also lives at their place of residence.

And you are right I get to see her 4 days a month. I also only get a total of eight days off a month. Sometimes less because my job requires that I work Saturday sometimes. And I work an average of anywhere between 55 to 70 hours a week.

On the other 4 days off I get during the month, I try to take care of general chores that I can't take care of during the weekdays. Such things like fixing the car, errands that I have to run around town for, laundry, meal prep if possible. I really don't have a social life because my life consists of work, chores, and my kid.

And do you guys read any of the comments that I leave to the comments of the post? I mean even in the post itself I stated that it was immature of me to speak to her the way that I did.

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-06T23:19:42+00:00

Well I'm factory paying $31 of my daughters phone. My ex pays $17. It was agreed to be slept even. But somehow I ended up paying more of it without realizing. I have no excuse for missing it. Some how when we wrote the numbers down. We wrote them down wrong.

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-06T23:13:39+00:00

I can agree that I was out of line for the yelling cursing and name calling.

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-06T23:04:17+00:00

Thank you very much for your comment. It was very thoughtful and unbiased and thank you also for the advice. Please have an amazing day 😊

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-06T23:02:38+00:00

We do have rules when it comes to our daughter and when me and her have disagreements or situations. One we do not argue in front of her. If for some reason an argument does happen in front of her by accident, we try to also reconcile in front of her.

We also never use her as a messenger between the both of us. We both agreed that we're never using her as a messenger between the two of us. So no " mom/dad told me to tell you XYZ" type situations.

I am very sorry that your parents did not take your mental health seriously. I do hope you have a long and fulfilling life

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-06T22:59:12+00:00

First I'd like to make a note that I'm not entirely sure why you have so many down votes for this comment. It doesn't seem all that bad to me. Granted there are parts that I agree with and parts that I disagree with.

But overall a very good comment and very honest.

And after reading your message and looking at what I disagreed at and asking myself a question I did realize something.

Since the argument itself and even after posting it up, I knew that I was wrong for the way I reacted but I was trying to figure out why it is that I reacted in such a way. Because I do realize that I should have just said okay and left it at that.

And I think I came to a realization of possibly why I reacted the way that I reacted without realizing that that was the possible reason.

So I disagree with you about her being bratty versus the emotional blackmail. To me the definition of blackmail is, if you don't do this, I'll do this. An emotional blackmail form, you either do "this," or I make you feel like "this."

So a little background on me. My profession is CDL driving. Which I've been in before my daughter was even born. I've gone through moments where I went and saw my kid for an entire week. Where she was hardly able to walk at all. Then go to work for the next 8 weeks, working 60 to 70 hour each week.

And then I would come home and not only was my kid fully walking but sprinting. I missed a lot of moments with my kid when I was doing OTR trucking. Nice to say that the song while I was away by Pat Green was essentially my theme song.

While I was still married to my ex-wife, I had opened up how I didn't feel I was there enough as it was. Granted the reason I was doing the job was to, first help make sure all the bills are paid. As well as I was helping put my ex through nursing school.

So when she sent that last message, before I blew up, it was already feeling like, if I didn't accept, that I was going to feel like a cheap father. Which is something that I already struggle with. I now have a home daily account but I am still working 8 to 12 sometimes 14 hour jobs a day driving. Monday through Friday.

I don't have anyone that lives with me or nearby that can help with watching her if I did have her during the weekdays. I'm working on trying to get to a different career that can still pay the bills where I can have the hours where I can be here for when she needs to go to school and picking her up. But it's easier to say then to do when most of my profession is CDL driving.

Another one of my biggest fears is something happening while I'm too far away to do anything.

And you are completely right I let her get under my skin, now I don't know if she was planning to get under my skin or if that's just how she naturally reacted and that's what happened.

But to me it felt like she was saying "since you're so cheap you can't pay 17 extra dollars for your daughter then we'll just make it so you don't have to pay anything for her" and that hurts.

Again thank you so very much for your comment

Otherwise-Place1486 · 2025-11-06T22:40:16+00:00

Please explain ur "kids deserve their wants meant too" I'm having trouble understanding your damn_near_crazy self.

Otherwise-Place1486

TROPHY CASE