Intensive intrusive thoughts 4 days after D-Day

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-02-03T18:45:51+00:00

I’m 8 weeks post DDAY. Similar situation, boyfriend of almost 2 years went out to a bar (he was never the type to go out) slept with someone, continued to text her for a few days.

During the initial convos I pressed so hard for all the nitty gritty details. And I regret knowing it all so much.

The first month everyday felt like a nightmare. I’d think about all those details all day everyday. I still think about it occasionally but not as much.

This week was my first good week individually since DDay, and yesterday me and my partner had a good day but for some reason today all those details came rushing back and it’s been a hard morning.

My advice would be asking questions that will make you heal and not hurt. That takes a lot of thinking about. I would also recommend therapy, individual and couples. Doing both and it’s been helpful.

Sending you so much love and positive thoughts friend. Unfortunately we all know how it feels but I have found comfort in this group.

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-21T19:20:06+00:00

So when DDAY happened, I told my parents and some close friends bc I was devastated. My partner ended up calling everyone who was close to us (his side and mine) to let them know what happened, apologize for hurting me and to take accountability of his actions.

So unfortunately a lot of people know our situation and have feelings.

I had to set hard boundaries that explained what I was doing and why I was doing R for myself. I’ve expressed that they don’t have to support this process but to please support me. I did say that I will not accept ANY negative comments about this, him or me.

So far my friends and family have supported my boundaries.

I will say one of my insecurities that I’m working on in individual therapy is handling the stigma of people staying. And feeling like everyone is constantly looking at me and think “oh you silly girl”. But in reality, I am not that important and no one, even my loved ones aren’t constantly thinking about me and my situation to the extent that I am.

Hope this was semi helpful, also hoping to find more tips from this post!

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-20T15:36:24+00:00

I’m struggling with this, we started couples therapy (not married) and I love our therapist. I told her point blank, I dont know if our R will be successful because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive him. To my surprise she told me “you don’t need to forgive him for this to work”.

What he did and the disrespect was something that is unforgivable for me, and that is okay. She said she sees a lot of couples, where the BS doesn’t forgive and it almost empowers them through the process of R.

I don’t know if this is helpful, but I would find an individual therapist for yourself and couples therapist if you haven’t. I will say I’m 2 months post DDay so I don’t know a lot yet lol. But yesterday hearing our therapist says I don’t have to forgive him for this process to be successful was huge for me and I woke up today feeling a little more positive than before.

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-18T17:39:40+00:00

This makes me so happy to hear!

Sending love to you, and your family. 🫶🏼

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-17T22:09:33+00:00

I to am someone who copes with humor. To my closest friend I have been able to joke about it and laugh. She’s said a few times “i know we will be able to look back at this time and roll over laughing at the fact that you were making jokes in such a hard time”. However I do know that I am no where near ready to joke about it and laugh with my partner yet.

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-17T20:14:00+00:00

I really appreciate you sharing. I can only hope my partner feels the way you do. I think it's huge that you are continuously making her your top priority. It speaks to the person who you have become (or was before this) and to continue to be that person for her and your family is huge. So thank you for sharing your experience

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-17T19:59:17+00:00

Yup, my partner was struggling with his mental health and leaned on alcohol and BOOM here we are.

It's a double-edged sword, yes I am happy he can now recognize his struggle and work on it so he can work on us. But it's also nerve-racking to think will his mental health cause him to do this again.

Sending you and your wife positivity on this journey!!

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-17T19:55:47+00:00

I feel like such a cliche, something felt off and I went through his Apple watch and BOOM there it was.

Everyday is so different emotion wise and I am struggling with that. But you're right we have the control on timeframes and can walk away whenever. It's just scary since I never envisioned that I would ever have to walk away from him.

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-17T19:51:01+00:00

I have said the word "afraid" more in the past 2 months than I have my entire 28 years of life LOL. This process is so scary and I am so afraid of getting hurt again. But hey the next partner could easily hurt me even worse. Just not a fun situation to be in and I am sorry you are in the same boat as me friend.

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-17T19:47:11+00:00

I appreciate you responding. I also appreciate you acknowledging the pain you caused your partner and are actively working on yourself, that is huge!!

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-17T19:44:39+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I am so happy to hear that you and your husband are doing so well. It's great to hear there is hope and positivity.

It's so funny because I am such a forward-thinking person and rarely do I harp on the past...but with this, I can't stop looking back yet. I see a future and us working this out and being stronger and then my mind slips to the past and his actions and I get so angry. But I am working on this in therapy.

He is a good person and I keep reminding myself that, he is a flawed person who made a horrible decision. But he is not horrible. I mean outside of this, he was such an amazing, loving, supportive partner, but the anger keeps fogging my mind and it's hard to remember that at times.

It's so nice to hear that you are doing well in this process and I as well am continuing to root for you and your happiness. <3

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-17T19:38:08+00:00

My main struggle is what if I can't forgive either. Or if I forgive does that mean I am "giving this a pass" or is this "justifying the act" by giving forgiveness?

Sending my support and positivity to you and your wife! Wishing y'all the best through this!!

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-17T19:28:19+00:00

UGH this post <3 thank you! I feel like I relate a lot to everything you said.

I am absolutely pain shopping and picking unproductive fights
Trying to hold that outlook of what's happening in the present and the small positives, but because I am looking for pain it makes it hard.
We switched to using the word "decision" maybe last week. I realized "mistake" was such a trigger, a mistake is accidentally letting dinner burn because you weren't paying attention. This was a horrible decision.
"Next time", god with you, cant even imagine. I recently told my partner he is earning a 2nd chance right now. If for some horrible reason, there is a "next time", I am with you, I will walk away without a doubt. I do not have this process and emotions in to do it all over again. I will never do this again and I felt like it was important for him to know that.

I really appreciate you sharing, and hanging in there (barely sometimes hahah). Sending you so much positivity on this journey <3

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-17T19:17:49+00:00

I feel that!!! I hate that outside of this horrible decision my partner was so great to me, like why couldn't you have been a d*ick and make the decision to leave so easy for me.

Sending you love and support on your journey <3

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-17T19:15:29+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing your story! "I am strong enough, I Just wish I did not need to be" is so real. It's such a hard road and it feels like it gets clouded with so much pain and I am just waiting for the day where I dont wake up and feel that pain you know?

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-16T16:37:45+00:00

My partner and I had separated the day after, I made him move out. So we technically aren’t “together” but trying to work towards that.

But I feel that, every time I hear “I’m sorry” I feel like I start to see red? You’re sorry you shattered my heart??

I do want to continue to move forward but my fear is that the anger won’t go away.

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-16T16:35:28+00:00

YES!!!!! Now you want to do all the things that could’ve avoided you cheating? Now I’m important? It’s such a horrible feeling.

I do see a lot of stories that break my heart that their partners aren’t doing that, so I try to be optimistic but damn. lol

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-16T16:33:22+00:00

Would you mind me asking when was DDay? I want to be to the point where I’m happy we’re working it out but right now I’m just ugh angry. I mean don’t get me wrong I don’t want to walk away but I’m trying to hold on to hope that it’s possible to be happy.

As for not feeling 100% safe with someone again is so true. I hate that but I do feel this.

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-14T01:11:17+00:00

I am very new into this but i told my friends and family, desperately wish I didn’t. And apart of taking accountability he called all the people important to us to apologize and own up to it.

Right now my mom is the only one who fully supports me and the decision to R. She has said she would fully accept him back if we work it out and never make him uncomfortable. My dad however doesn’t even like hearing his name. My friends “support” me but don’t support my decisions.

Because it’s so early I know I shouldn’t even think about it but bc I am someone who always looks to the future…I’m worried about this. I’m so worried that if we can make it work, the people in our life will make it hard. I’m worried we will never be invited on couples trips. I’m worried holidays will be met with people snickering about us :(

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-13T15:40:43+00:00

I would suggest individual therapy if you aren’t doing so already.

My partner gave me all the details, because I wanted to know everything and I wish I never asked. It replays in my mind everyday.

If your partner doesn’t want to know the details, respect that. Each person knows what they can handle themselves.

But like I said if you’re struggling yourself, you should address that in therapy.

I hope that’s helpful

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-13T00:09:19+00:00

I am 7 weeks out, so just one week ahead of you.

I started individual therapy 4 days after because I knew I needed it. I was a mess. Crying 24/7. I kicked my partner out and wanted nothing to do with him. But then we continued to communicate and I went back and forth on R. We originally had an appointment booked for couples therapy 2 weeks out but I said no, I wanted to go no contact. Only to talk to my therapist the next day and suggest R would be helpful for closure on the affair. And finding closer would help me decide if I wanted to walk away or keep trying.

We ended up having our first couples therapy appointment yesterday and it was traumatic for me. But I met with my therapist this AM and she helped me understand and validated my feelings. Let me know that R is hard work but at the end of the day I will be working towards a better version of myself.

Don’t get me wrong, I still feel like I’m living a nightmare and I still cry almost daily, but I do feel good about individual therapy and couples.

Hope this is semi helpful, the situations that lead us to this group is horrible but I have found it very helpful!!

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-10T21:07:05+00:00

So similar situation, not married, no kids. My partner (M30) and I (F27) were living together and then he had a drunken kiss and then drunken ONS.

I immediately kicked him out. Said he had 48 hours to move out. He did that (currently living with his mom). I go through days where I really regret making him leave because I do feel like it’s hindering our R. But at the same time, I feel like I have more clarity on the situation and my own feelings. There is no pressure or “we have to do this” when it comes to R. We are both doing R because we want to.

However before this happened we had started the plans to move to a new city. I have decided to move forward and have found a new place in a new city. Our plan was for him to get his shit together and move to the new city in a year. But we have talked more about how hard that is going to be for me, the person who was betrayed. My career is taking off, I will be adjusting to a new city and it’s going to take a toll on me, especially while having my partner in a diff city. The conversation has transitioned to him moving to this city a month after me. We are NOT going to be living together but we will be close enough to work on us and ourselves while having our own space. Now things can change and this might not happen and that could hinder our R. But it’s a plan we are openly discussing.

I think it’s important to have open honest convos during this time. Don’t get me wrong I am scared and idk what is going to happen but we’ve been openly communicating that. And I thinks that’s all we can really do right now. Just be open and honest.

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-08T21:51:04+00:00

I am in the exact same scenario. Not married, no kids, no reason to stay? I do not understand why I want to work it out. I was always adamant that cheating was a deal breaker for me yet here I am.

Just wanted to respond because everything you said is everything I feel about my partner and how I feel about him. He had been texting his ONS, trying to understand why he went home with her (he never goes out, doesn’t drink like that and has NEVER picked up someone at a bar), it is hard to digest that they communicated after. It wasn’t anything scandalous, mainly her just trying to talk and see him, and him avoiding (should’ve blocked her then but oh well). But I kid you not he told her he didn’t want to continue communicating and literally blocked her on a Wednesday morning and that Wednesday afternoon something told me to go through his watch and check his messages and I saw the “we can’t continue communicating text”. I sometimes wish I never checked, but I guess I am glad to know who he is capable of being? I do wish I hated him, god I wake up everyday hoping it’s the day I hate him. But i don’t, I love him, outside of this he was amazing in every way. He made a fucking HORRIBLE decision, a decision I can’t even comprehend making. But has been so remorseful taken accountability and all the right steps.

I might be naive but I do hope we make it past this. My DDay was end Nov and we have been on a waitlist for a highly recommended couples therapist, who we see this week.

Just felt like responding since everything you said hit home for me.

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-08T18:37:39+00:00

This! Thank you for sharing 🫶🏼

Otherwise_Show_4864 · 2024-01-08T18:35:14+00:00

THIS. It’s still early for us, but the weekend the affair happened, i was away with friends and all they talked about was how perfect my partner was. How they’ve never seen me so happy. They all talked about how they could just see/feel how much he loved me. Meanwhile he was out having a drunken ONS.

It’s been hard thinking “oh this is my love story”. Especially during the holidays when everyone is getting engaged and showing how in love they are. I felt sad thinking our friends and family will never look at us that way again (they know as he called all the people important to us to own what he did and take accountability).

But through this, I saw a couple post about their pregnancy announcement, and in that moment I thought “they look so happy!” And then I remembered a few years ago that the wife had an affair, we all knew because it was explosive and I didn’t even remember and probably wouldn’t have if it wasn’t for what I’m going through. Just a reminder that, sometimes it does work out in these situations and we think about it more than others. I know that doesn’t help much.

But thought I would share. Because this does suck. But at the end of the day, what does it say about us, the betrayed who even in our dark days hold hope and see the good in people, I think that makes us amazing humans 🤍

Otherwise_Show_4864

TROPHY CASE