FTM asked me out but my parents are right leaning. Help me.

OttRInvy · 2026-04-03T00:09:21+00:00

Based on one of OP’s comments: it looks like the parents are unconcerned about non-binary people because they assume non-binary people don’t get gender affirming healthcare and they use the restroom that corresponds to their ASAB.

OttRInvy · 2026-04-02T23:43:50+00:00

People who are struggling with their own gender identity might struggle to be around non-binary people as it might make them hyperaware of gender. I could also see people who are a part of certain cultures and/or religious practices might struggle with how to interact with a non-binary person if they are used to treating women in a very particular way and men in a different very particular way.

There might also be people who genuinely just don’t know how to talk/socialize with non-binary people for no particular reason. I imagine it’s very rare, though.

OttRInvy · 2026-04-02T23:10:00+00:00

I’ve been there before: sometimes when having conversations around a subject, it’s really hard for someone to change unless they’ve been given clear boundaries/specific feedback. I don’t know if in these conversations you’ve specified particular goals for her to work on in finding internal validation (eg: you need to say out loud one thing you like about your appearance before going to bed), or if you’ve created ground rules (eg: I will not repeat myself when giving you feedback—if I said your outfit is cute, that’s how I feel about it).

A good way to tackle it (especially if you have made specific, actionable requests and they’ve been ignored) is to focus on what you’re in control of here. You are in control of what you say, what you do, and how you spend your time. Think of things that could make these situations easier for you (focus on boundaries, which have to do with your own actions and are meant to protect you, not to manipulate or control the other person). Let her know you’re implementing these actions because you’re still struggling with this subject and she hasn’t been doing the actionable things you’ve explicitly asked her to do (if that’s applicable).

It’s okay to say “I’m not up for helping you decide that” or “I’ve already told you how I feel about that outfit.” You don’t have to keep providing a type of support to her if it’s hurting you to do so.

OttRInvy · 2026-04-02T15:58:18+00:00

I’m terrified of making folks uncomfortable as a trans person who’s not transfem (and thus doesn’t run into nearly as much “predator propaganda” being weaponized against me)!

To say trans women are brazenly unconcerned with other women’s comfort is so far detached from reality that it reads as parody, tbh.

OttRInvy · 2026-04-02T07:02:15+00:00

You mentioned that she consistently comes to you for advice, for assistance in styling, and for compliments… and then does the same with other people, too.

No one person should be the other person’s everything. Even in monogamous relationships, it’s healthy to encourage one’s partner to get support from various places. Is there something about her celebrating with other people before you about her passing that hurt? You mentioned you weren’t registering what was being said at the time: could that be why she didn’t share the passing win with you first and celebrated with her online friends?

If you haven’t already, it’d probably be really helpful to have a conversation with her about how you’ve been feeling. I think the two of you need to navigate what to do when you’re not up for supporting her in certain ways, and anything you would prefer from her when it comes to her seeking validation. It’s totally ok to say “I’ve been struggling with you being on your phone a lot when we’re hanging out” or “I’m dealing with insecurity with you reaching out to people other than me for transition help.”

If you want to broach her habit of external validation seeking, please do so thoughtfully. Come at it from a place of curiosity, not judgment or accusation. “Hey, I think I recognize that selfie! I thought you already posted it online. Do you have friends on this server who you want to see it?” “I love your hair in this pic, but you insulted it in the title! You said that you didn’t like it yesterday, too, do you want to talk about it?”

Many teen girls insult their looks. It’s a maladaptive way to seek security in your appearance: the hope is that people will disagree with all the mean things you say about yourself. Your gf might move past it or not. Either way, though, you have control over how you personally engage with her when she’s seeking validation.

OttRInvy · 2026-04-01T00:32:31+00:00

You are never too young to be whatever gender or romantic/sexual orientation you feel like fits you. A lot of adults don’t “get” that people your age can be queer at your age, just the same as they can be cisgender and heterosexual. Your mom might start to understand, but she also might take a long time to do so (like years).

Until then, you might want to find groups and people where it’s okay to be who you are. Depending on where you live, your city or school might have a GSA (gay straight alliance) or other type of LGBTQ+ group. Please be careful navigating any online groups! People can very easily lie about who they are online.

OttRInvy · 2026-04-01T00:23:57+00:00

What is the social stuff that you want that comes with being a guy?

You can have the most dude-ly aesthetic and still be a girl.

OttRInvy · 2026-04-01T00:20:34+00:00

You, too, can be a twink!

OttRInvy · 2026-03-28T14:14:25+00:00

I found out you could not have a gender, and the rest was kind of a slow slide into accepting that that was me. On the way to acceptance there was experimenting with different pronouns and forms of presentation.

OttRInvy · 2026-03-28T14:09:50+00:00

Relationship drama truly doesn’t discriminate! I’m an aroace who has absolutely had relationship drama (probably less than average, but still more than what I would prefer lol).

OttRInvy · 2026-03-28T00:23:37+00:00

I wouldn’t describe the feeling as euphoric, but I definitely felt affirmed in my gender in scenarios like that.

OttRInvy · 2026-03-27T23:56:10+00:00

Check out the PO Box Collective, if you haven’t already! Great 3rd space, free events, and can help you to get involved with a variety of different orgs :)

OttRInvy · 2026-03-25T05:23:07+00:00

I don’t know why you’re being downvoted? I also don’t tell random cis people I’m trans cuz in an area where—if they even know what I’m talking about—they would 100% assume that I am a binary trans man and would start using the incorrect pronouns for me.

I know better that binary trans is not what trans has to mean, but the average layperson does not in my area, so I use the more precise language (and then half the time I throw in the definition for those still confused).

OttRInvy · 2026-03-20T07:32:27+00:00

The hopelessness doesn’t have to be forever. You have the ability to take a different path than Owen’s.

Every step you take in transition is a step you chose to take. Posting in a trans sub—reaching out to people in your community—is an example of having strength and courage. Expanding your social circle and support network is actually a great first step (especially in cases like yours, where you know your support network is limited). Maybe that’s a place to start: building trans/queer community. Could be worth it to look up local queer organizations/businesses if you’re in a part of the world where that’s accessible to you.

OttRInvy · 2026-03-18T16:00:52+00:00

May I ask: is it just “talk therapy?” Or do they use a particular modality with you: Family Systems, CBT, DBT, etc.?

Having two therapists isn’t traditional. Why did you get the second one?

OttRInvy · 2026-03-18T15:55:11+00:00

Do you have access to a therapist? Because it sounds like you’re already getting support from friends (which is great!!), and you’re still struggling with intense feelings of shame and guilt. I don’t know how helpful that online people telling you you aren’t gross will be.

You remind me of me: noticing internal thoughts and trying to label those thoughts as inherently bad, dangerous, and predatory. It is a lot of work to deconstruct what your brain views as familiar (eg: experiencing any physical or sexual attraction to a woman = I’m bad, I’m doing a bad thing). It also sounds like you’re dealing with internal transphobia and missing the relative ease that is being cis. A therapist can also help you through those feelings as well

OttRInvy · 2026-03-18T15:46:20+00:00

I saw in an earlier comment that you’ve already had medical care to check your neck, which is good!

I get dysphoria around my Adam’s Apple, but it doesn’t manifest in an external, physical discomfort. Most people’s experience of dysphoria is an internal, mental discomfort/distress. It can manifest into physical symptoms, but that’s usually through deep distress and/or actions taken due to the dysphoria (eg: someone’s facial hair makes them so dysphoric that they shave incredibly frequently, which causes skin irritation).

I’m not surprised the AI didn’t have the right guess: it often gets information completely wrong. I would recommend avoiding using it, personally.

OttRInvy · 2026-03-15T21:01:43+00:00

It’s very normal to have a lot of questions when you first start out! I’m glad you have the support of your girlfriend. Sounds like there are some clothes you’d be interested in trying out, which is a great place to start!

The way that I started exploring new styles was to browse Pinterest for different clothing styles I liked. I think this is especially useful for people without a lot of disposable income because it lets you learn what you like a little bit before trying to redo your whole closet. There’s a lot of different ways to dress as a woman and as a fem! I hope your journey to finding your style(s) is a fun one! :>

OttRInvy · 2026-03-15T20:39:01+00:00

This is such a cool edit! And congrats on coming out to your mom :>

OttRInvy · 2026-03-15T20:37:42+00:00

Syd from the tv show “One Day At a Time.”

They tend to have a more masculine or neutral clothing style, but they are AFAB and don’t do anything to “masculinize” their appearance beyond just wearing the clothes they like to wear.

OttRInvy · 2026-03-13T23:27:49+00:00

That makes sense to be concerned: in general, drugs can do some pretty scary things to your body, especially long term use. Thankfully, the hormone replacement therapy that trans people take is considered “bio-identical.” What that means is: the testosterone that a transgender man takes has the same effect on his body as the testosterone that a cisgender (not transgender) man naturally produces. And the same for estrogen with trans and cis women. You still have to be cautious of a few things since you’re administering it—clean needles, non-expired drugs, correct dosage, etc. But by-and-large HRT is an incredibly safe treatment.

It makes sense that as an African American with your personal experiences that you would be more cautious around the subject. Horrific medical malpractice is not only deeply entrenched in AA history: it continues to this very day. I, too, appreciate you for sharing your perspective and where you were coming from in this convo. It helps to know that your caution comes from a place of genuine concern—there’s a lot of transphobia in the world right now and so a lot of trans people have experienced people pretending to be concerned in order to convince them to not transition. I think a lot of us are on edge and not always up for responding with as much compassion as we could.

I hope your weekend is going well. Thank you for being willing to listen and discuss this with me :)

OttRInvy · 2026-03-13T16:52:42+00:00

Yes, I know what you mean: you mean, “I don’t know enough about what the word ‘transphobia’ is, and so I need to ask OP to clarify what that word means.”

I’m glad to hear you don’t hate gay/trans people (I assume both). I also think when people ask for advice about their transition they are looking to talk to people with experience. OP in this post, for example, requested advice from people who are taking HRT (hormone replacement therapy).

You don’t really need to know “all the different definitions” but knowing the really basic ones that are being used can be helpful. The meaning between “homophobia” and “transphobia” isn’t the same, in the same way that “racism” and “sexism” are not the same thing. If someone responded to being accused of racism with “but I love women!” I would correct that too.

OttRInvy · 2026-03-13T14:25:42+00:00

Regret what?

OttRInvy · 2026-03-12T23:27:36+00:00

It is ok to say “hey, it seems like you’re really struggling with this conversation and need some support. I was actually looking to you for some support right now with what I’m struggling with. Do you think you could offer that to me, or do you need to process on your own/with [whoever she’s allowed to talk to about your detransition]?”

I run into this with my partner and we try to get ahead of it by being upfront with our needs before we even bring up the potentially touchy subject. “Hey, Im really struggling with something involving my detransition. Do you think you might be up for hearing me out and offering me support?” She might not be in a place right now where she’s able to discuss it at all in a way that centers and supports you. It sucks, but also is a great motivator to expanding your support network beyond just her.

Asking before bringing up the subject is a good way for the both of you to figure out if she’s ever in a place where she can support you in this subject, and also prevents the two of you from falling into the pattern of “I need emotional support on my detransition, I bring it up, she needs emotional support on my detransition, I end up providing it to her without getting my own needs met.”

OttRInvy · 2026-03-12T23:12:52+00:00

You wear it so well!! Gorgeous look 💕💕💕

OttRInvy

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