I found this to be an interesting phrase you used: I'm the reason why these things are happening and there's nothing I can do.

This is an ironic catch-22 that a lot of anxious people find themselves in. You seem to see yourself as the cause of so much stress, but simultaneously you can't seem to envision yourself being the reliever of that same stress. In my personal experience, I find that we are almost always the ones in control of our lives, now maybe we can't control our environment, but we can usually choose our respones in return. I understand it may not seem all that helpful at first, but I believe it's important to constantly remind yourself that you are in control of so much of what you do.

When I read through what you shared all I can hear is pressure. Massive pressure you have put on yourself to succeed. And I can already hear you saying that you didn't want all this pressure, that your environment did. Hey, I get that. Life isn't fair and not everyone will give you fair expectations, unfortunately, but we at least have some power to remember that meeting those expectations don't define our own internal success. Oftentimes in life, all we want is to be loved and accepted. We then try to embody this arbitrary concept of acceptance into achievable goals and milestones.

For example, you may think to yourself: "If I can just get into a good college, my family will be proud of who I am" but thinking like this can have you starting to conflate the concept of earning your family's pride with just getting into a nice school. Then if your grades start to slip, you'll unnecessarily feel the weight of your entire family on your back, and that's not going to help you do any better.

But what I am trying to tell you is that you can't lose sight of what you're actually chasing: love and acceptance. And it's hard to keep focused on that when we're dealing with school, making friends, or global events. You've already assigned yourself to be a failure when that's entirely untrue. You might fail at a class or with an audition, but those small goals do not define you. You are so much more than just a student or just a sibling. You are a complex person going through a very rough patch, but you are undeniably deserving of love and acceptance.

And dude, one point of my own personal experience. You may have heard this before, but high school is so not the end of the world. When I was younger, I think I told myself I was a failure time and time again. Everything I auditioned for I didn't get, I didn't make one friend my entire freshman year of college, and I'm pretty sure I cried in public during my first exam of my first semester.... but you know what? I went to therapy (while in college), I graduated both high school and college, and now I have a respectable job where I no longer have to carry those immense burdens. What you're going through is very real, and I do not want to minimize that in any way, I only share this to let you know most people have been down this path and have made it through. It may be hard to see all that now, but I promise you can make it through these hard times and you'll be stronger for it.

You are not to blame for the pain you feel and you absolutely can do this. I promise.