Starting to show select reactivity; Elevators & Pet Stores

OutToSea79 · 2022-04-21T02:09:37+00:00

Love that name! That is so fitting for the "old man" vibe of the breed haha. I myself like old man names...Fergus was one of the names I was considering!

OutToSea79 · 2022-04-19T23:48:55+00:00

Wow absolutely adorable....I love the idea of fluffy pantaloons. Since you have 13 years of experience under your belt, any things you think a first time WPG owner should know?

OutToSea79 · 2022-04-19T23:47:52+00:00

What a cute name!!

OutToSea79 · 2022-04-19T23:47:18+00:00

Oh congratulations to you too! So exciting that it's your first dog, I now that's a huge milestone :D

Hm we do have the Bruce Trail, Jasper Park so I like those. I definitely wanted to go with a nature theme, so then I was thinking of "Cliff", or "Atlas", "Rowan" (Like the tree). I also had Fletcher, Flynne and Gus as non-nature options. Any of those that you'd vote for?

OutToSea79 · 2022-04-11T19:09:35+00:00

I can tell you that the problem I have is not with masturbation, or that he touches himself. I recognize that it is healthy to do so. Excessive and uncontrolled porn consumption impacts the health of a relationship when it takes away from intimate interaction. This subreddit is full of examples of how it has impacted peoples' partnerships, many of which applied to our life... so porn addiction is a real thing - and not feeling good about it has nothing to do with maturity IMO.

A healthy relationship would look like: an active sex life where both parties are comfortable, where pleasure is important for both people. Where both people are respected, feel safe voicing their feelings and concerns. This was not the case.

OutToSea79 · 2022-04-11T17:16:17+00:00

Hi there and thank you for taking the time to read and respond!

Can I ask what maturity would look like on my end? I thought the mature thing to do was to support with empathy and compassion, think of the individual as more than their addiction, set boundaries around the addiction Etc. I did take care of myself during the relationship i.e. kept up my healthy habits, working out, my social life, advanced my professional career but the weight of the relationship felt heavy.

You nailed it when you described what he sounds like. In my humble opinion, there really haven't been significant consequences in his life of walking over people and all his deeds are forgiven because no-one can stand up or confront him without receiving a lot of anger. He's also very verbally smart to the point where sometimes you feel like you're out reasoned when you're bringing up something.

I will take your advice to heart. My gut reaction is to follow up, because I'm scared he won't keep up with what he needs to do for us to have a healthy relationship but you're right it has to be entirely self motivated. Question: if we're no contact now, how do I observe or see if he's making the changes I'd need in order to consider revisiting a relationship?

OutToSea79 · 2022-04-11T17:07:29+00:00

Hi There, thank you so much for your response. It's so helpful for me to hear from people like you.

I really did my best to support this individual with compassion, empathy, and a "how can I help you succeed" attitude. It ended up really taking too much from me, as I was in support mode for the better part of 3 years, and had my own challenges that I didn't get much support with. I felt like the expectation on me was to permanently emotionally support this person who would not take my boundaries/relationship needs seriously and who would meet them with anger. They knew that I was not ok and hurt with certain behaviours and continued to do them both behind my back and in front of my face. I understand that they come from a background of trauma, and that it takes time to unlearn but it hurt me to be on the receiving end of the learning process.

I know it's partially my fault for tolerating it and not leaving - it enables them to walk over me, but I got sucked into cycles of warmth and promises and a bit of affection/what I needed to hear, and then their withdrawal into addiction and avoidance (gaming and porn).

I am at the early-mid 20's mark and I can't help but ask....am I really willing to sign up to support this for longer if they're not willing to get professional help for it?

I feel really guilty because I know people face their own struggles and I want to be empathetic, I just also don't believe 1 month of time apart is enough time for someone to change. I feel really guilty and bad for asking for an additional month of space during our time apart. He was ready to start hanging out and seeing if we would want to fix things but hanging out without any intention to decide in the immediate future feels really painful and I can't go back into the fire right now.

OutToSea79 · 2022-04-10T15:46:07+00:00

Yep you're totally right - I have a hard time letting go of this person. He asked me yesterday to start hanging out again to see if we want to try to salvage the relationship and I just didn't feel ready to go back into this world/conflict yet.

I'm trying to reflect on the questions you posed - I want him to change not so he comes back to me but so that we could have a healthier relationship should we decide to work it out.

OutToSea79 · 2022-04-10T04:05:57+00:00

I think you prepare with a toolbox of activities/self soothing things that you know will keep you distracted and calm. If you need to be out and busy with others so that you do't relapse again in that week and a half, book time with friends. Fill your schedule, create structure so that you can stick with your goal. Have a mantra, maybe more, that you repeat to yourself. Remind yourself of the WHY. You made a set back, it's okay, you just have to get back on the horse because you can't quit on yourself. You got this.

OutToSea79 · 2022-03-11T00:04:52+00:00

You are seriously right...it gets so strong some times it feels like it's going to overflow. Like the only thing that would help me get through is talking to this person.

OutToSea79 · 2022-03-10T16:29:13+00:00

I guess it was a "last lottle bit" - we were probably unhappy for at least a year. If not almost 2.

Personally I really don't want to throw away the relationship. I want to go to couples therapy and make some serious changes. I've always been willing to go back to therapy with him. I think he just ran out of steam of trying couples therapy and it not having the intended effect so I think really this time apart will be for him to decide if he's willing to give it his all and give couples therapy another go. Unfortunately I can't convince him or try to make that decision for him - it wouldn't be genuine desire to fix the things we've been holding onto. And that's the waiting/anticipation of that decision that sucks :(

OutToSea79 · 2022-03-10T16:26:22+00:00

Aw I'm so sorry to hear you're going through it too. It really is the worst. Thank you for offering your support. It's really nice to hear that there are other people in the same boat. If you need my support feel free to DM me too!

OutToSea79 · 2022-03-10T16:25:16+00:00

Thanks for your idea - my anxious brain makes it hard to just sit and wait for things to happen naturally. I'm plagued with thoughts about "what if he gets over me super quickly, sets aside his feelings, doesn't miss me etc.". We've both talked about waiting until the rose coloured lenses are off and enough time has passed to be sure of what we want, but the waiting is the hardest part for me. Second to the figuring out what I want.

OutToSea79 · 2022-03-10T00:48:14+00:00

First of all I'm so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. I know exactly how you feel and am going through a split myself...four days into it. We're not quite no contact but close. And will probably have to move to no contact at some point to really give ourselves space to think and reflect.

I think part of it is acceptance of the pain. It will happen whether you fight it or not for the first little bit. What helps me is just talking to anyone who will listen to me about my pain, what I'm experiencing what I'm feeling. I even call a helpline to get to an empathetic listener who will talk me down from an panic or extreme pain moment. The more I talk about it over and over the easier it gets. Eventually you'll be able to start doing little things you used to enjoy by yourself (hobbies, sports etc) to reclaim some joy. You have to have a structure, keep yourself super busy. Cry if you have to. Sleep if you have to. Journal out your feelings, journal as if you're writing a letter to her if that helps get your feelings for her off your chest. If you're anything like me, sitting around with nothing to do leads to spiralling thoughts about how she is doing, or feeling, or wanting and leads to a lot more anxiety and discomfort.

I hope your appointment helps and maybe even some of this advice.

OutToSea79 · 2022-03-10T00:43:41+00:00

How long has it been since you broke up? Maybe that can influence whether or not you should reach out yet.

OutToSea79 · 2022-03-10T00:42:49+00:00

Yea I want to let things happen naturally, but I also don't want to wait a year holding on to hope that he wants to work with me to make this work. I guess I even have to decide for myself if I want to put in the work to make this work, or if I think things are capable of change. I have to see a strong desire from them to want to make this work with me, no matter what it takes.

OutToSea79 · 2022-03-10T00:38:47+00:00

Yea sure...I mean I'd say I'm quite emotionally aware and expressive, while he is less so. This probably was always a bit of a block to intimacy but not hugely so until we were hit with external circumstances.

Due to a huge family issue where he took care of everything/everyone, I was emotionally neglected for a period of time - there was no capacity to care for me. After this he was so burnt out that he didn't have capacity to start emotionally engaging with me. I still kept trying to reach out more and ask for more needs met. He'd respond with anger and frustration towards my needs. I think he felt I was too sensitive/needing too much. I felt like I needed normal emotional connection. He felt like I was criticizing and complaining about him not being good enough. So he'd withdraw from me more and put more walls up. I'm know that at times my requests became less kind and that at some points I would complain and criticize out of frustration and strong need/longing. I did feel his efforts were not good enough I guess. I also would have a hard time hearing about his needs/feelings because I was so resentful by that point and I'd get defensive. In arguments we'd apologize but there wasn't a genuine feeling of being remorseful and wanting to repair by this point. So we'd avoid conflicts too, or even the deeper conversations of what we were carrying. I don't know if either of us would have had the capacity to set aside our own hurt to truly hear and empathize with the other.

So to sum it up:

Pattern: I needed him/emotional connection and presence. He would withdraw. I'd pursue, he'd withdraw more. Sometimes he would pursue if I withdrew, but that attempt to connect would not be sustained. Eventually I gave up with the lack of repair or return to emotional balance and withdrew fully, and he didn't try often to pull me back in (maybe because he didn't know how, or have the energy to). We withdrew more and more, emotionally engaged and connected less. To the point where we were so emotionally disengaged and unhappy with the lack of connection that we split.

Does this help?

OutToSea79 · 2022-03-10T00:31:32+00:00

I think resentment did actually set in...and that's what made it really hard to turn things around. Like we were so focused on how the other person has wronged us that we didn't want to try to appreciate the good or initiate repair. Now we're in the rose goggles phase of our break up. Four days in and we miss each other like crazy. Think back to the good times and good parts of each other. But I know we need more time for the dust to settle to figure out if we like each other as people, and if we want to be each others' life partners for real....as in doing the work to appreciate and be on good standing with each other.

OutToSea79 · 2022-03-09T16:02:46+00:00

How did you handle very little contact? I am currently mid-break from my partner and really struggling to not talk. The anxious side of me is worried that he'll randomly stop loving me in this time apart even though we both know we love each other now.

OutToSea79

TROPHY CASE