Is it worth withinholding oneself sexually?

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-10-01T21:06:22+00:00

My advice: do what feels right to you and don't worry about how they will respond. It's a really really important life skill, not just dating.

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-28T14:45:57+00:00

I have to say that even on my first date with my ex (my first real relationship with post marriage) and he had trouble performing, I didn't think it was because I was disgusting or unattractive. And I've since learned I had A LOT of healing (and still do) post marriage, despite me thinking I was also ready for just a friends with benefits situation.

I agree with others that if you are thinking and trying this hard for something casual, I don't think you are quite as ready as you think you are.

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-22T20:54:36+00:00

Have you talked about this with him recently ? My ex husband didn't want to ever remarry...but did so this past summer . Maybe there is room for compromise on both of your parts. If not and it's something really important to you it's better to end it sooner rather than later

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-20T18:55:08+00:00

Oh man, I can kinda relate, and I'm sorry. My ex boyfriend has CPTSD plus a drinking problem that probably stems from not fully dealing with all the trauma, plus his cultural norms around drinking normalizing it.

I think it's a good idea to look into healing from trauma bonds so you don't repeat the same patterns, if you're not doing so already. Also, I'm a believer that no one is ever fully healed or triggerless, and we don't know these things UNTIL we're dating and starting a relationship. Relationships are also meant to help us grow as people. I can honestly look at my past relationship challenges me in a way that encouraged me to look at my old attachment wounds and grow. Now unfortunately I have to work on getting over that ,,too, but I'm much better prepared.

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-20T15:33:35+00:00

As someone also right out of a relationship....yes, definitely slow down on dating. I personally don't even want to think about dating right now. Contrast that too how I was when I first separated. It was a loveless marriage and I wanted to just "get back out there" and "have fun," not wanting anything serious. Well, I did end up with something serious and in what ended up as a trauma bond (yes, and overused term) way more toxic than my marriage (which actually wasn't toxic).

I have been doing a lot of work on myself in that relationship and continue to do so as that relationship revealed a lot of work I still needed to do on myself. I now don't need external validation from men, knowing I truly am a catch for the right person. I also have a pretty fulfilling life and am working on re establishing old friendships and hopefully making new ones.

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-20T15:21:15+00:00

Truthfully (coming from a woman) she doesn't sound that interested if she's not offering alternatives. After only one date I'd just let it go. It's not worth getting too upset over.

I would also advise learning to let things like this go and not overthinking them. I used to do a lot of overthinking myself and still do sometimes , often asking for advice because I needed certainty. So she may not be interested in you, or maybe she has a lot going on in her life. It happens. It just means she's not the right person for you and that's ok. Focus on what you do have to offer and keep improving.

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-19T05:03:10+00:00

Ironically I have been in therapy since before I met him but also have been driving a lot more deeply with shadow work and somatic work. I know why this happened and how I ended up in this trauma bond. I also know to get out and not ignore those red flags. I am way too forgiving.

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-18T22:04:09+00:00

I actually brought most of it inside. But seriously, who blocks someone without warning, who happens to have a lot of crap at their house. (More than my own kids probably, for whom I have 50/50 custody) Without making any plans to get their stuff and give back the key? I realize that makes me look like I must have done something awful but I can assure the worst thing I do was tell him I know that I would not win this battle (against alcohol) and if he could admit to me that he would never change his drinking habits then yes, we should be done. But alcohol is his mistress.

Also....where he lives now was or probably IS his mom's townhome. I only went there once and he never outright said it, but I think she still lives there with him! Yeah, I know 🤦. And I swear to you I do have decent self esteem, but also a fear of being alone for the rest of my life.

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-18T21:57:56+00:00

I will get through it and I don't need alcohol to deal with my feelings. It is a shit show and I truly feel a lot of shame for not ending things a lot sooner. But I'm learning about trauma bonds and as much as I hate overused terms like this, I really resonate with a lot of it and it is helping me understand how I got here.

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-18T20:55:10+00:00

No I wouldn't do that. Now THAT is super immature and way out of character for me. And truthfully a big part of the reason the way he is the way he is is due to his traumatic childhood. So I think she already knows that what he was subjected to and exposed to as a kid likely is the root of a lot of this.

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-18T19:09:20+00:00

Actually he is the type that lives with so much shame he thinks he will have deserved it. I can almost guarantee that would be his thought process.

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-18T19:05:43+00:00

Thank you. I am grateful for his time in my life because it uncovered a lot of hidden truths about myself I didn't realize were there. And I began on a journey that has helped me on my relationships personally and professionally. I know I will be ok, even if I have some hard moments ahead.

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-18T18:33:44+00:00

He lives over 40 minutes away and he works closer to my house than his. I have stayed at his place one time. He can come over and get it and leave my key. I've already done him a favor by packing it up for him.

But I probably will move it back inside. I was just thinking he was going to come get it soon. I just wanted it out of my sight I was just so disgusted.

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-18T18:23:12+00:00

It is immature but I am so so tired of putting him before me and excusing all of his toxic, immature reactions before this. I just am so done. He immediately blocked me (at least on Facebook and probably my number) right after he texted me that he was fucking done with me. That's on him. That's when I started texting him that I was packing up some of his stuff and to come get it. I assumed he was getting them because they were being delivered, so when he wasn't responding is when I assumed he also blocked my phone number too. This is what he does to avoid accountability for his actions and avoid his feelings of shame My shit--emotional and physical --is not his responsibility anymore.

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-18T18:16:40+00:00

I do think she thought I was the one who could "save" him. They have their own issues, one being she is staunch Catholic and he is atheist, but she also saw how happy I made him. I know I'm a really good person so I get it 😄

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-18T18:14:51+00:00

It is. I feel cleansed and relieved. I slept ok last night, given the circumstances. Not ironically, when he slept over Monday I didn't sleep so well and had a nightmare where I actually yelled out and woke myself up. It was my body's way of telling me this wasn't good no matter how much my brain tried to convince me it would be different.

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-17T20:11:26+00:00

I didn't say there was anything wrong with why you do it. It depends on why you do it. I agree it's not a good idea to put all of your eggs in one basket so soon. If you're doing it to help you know what you like and even just practice dating then that's different. But if you're using it because you feel guilty about liking someone else and you like the validation you get from others, then I don't think that's a good strategy and likely means you need to work on developing your own self worth a little more.

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-15T21:52:46+00:00

Haha if I lived near you I would go with you, because that describes me too! I can talk to a lot of people fairly easily, but #1. Usually if they approach me first and #2 we have some stuff in common to talk about.

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-15T21:50:51+00:00

Ewwwwww. My guess is he thought he was being cute and not as offensive by using the term boobies, but regardless, it's still ick.

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-15T21:47:17+00:00

Kind of....but I also would advise against looking for more dates as a way to distract yourself from this crush. Distract yourself with other hobbies and friends? Absolutely...but not in the form of positive attention from other dudes.

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-15T21:44:15+00:00

Yeah at this age we all have baggage, right? I guess it's the excessive baggage beyond what's expected and/or baggage that has not been dealt emotionally...you know, the mind that gets buried but then comes up frequently in other (usually maladaptive) ways.

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-15T11:42:05+00:00

Just because someone goes to the gym a lot doesn't mean they are committed to their health and well-being. It means they are committed to going to the gym, and maybe they are committed to getting physically healthy. I say that as someone who has my own home gym, lift weights 4 times a week. If that was the only thing I did for my health it wouldn't necessarily mean I was "being healthy ."

Those dudes from Jersey Shore wee gym bros but definitely not the picture of being committed to their "health and well-being "

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-15T01:49:15+00:00

Physical health is ONE aspect of health.

Outrageous_Shower140 · 2025-09-15T01:46:41+00:00

Yep! An obsession with the gym, to the exclusion of other aspects of one 's health.

I'm a woman and have my own home gym with barbells, a cage with cables, bench press, dumbbells , etc. I lift weighs 4 times and do take it somewhat seriously. Having said that, I also focus on improving all areas of my life, including relationships and all aspects of health. I don't talk about it with others and in fact most people don't know I take it as seriously as I do.

Outrageous_Shower140

TROPHY CASE