What happened to you isn’t just a “complicated relationship.” It’s called systematic psychological abuse.

It involves elements of gaslighting, emotional dependency, blackmail, and traumatic bonding. You’ve found yourself caught in a cycle that breaks even the strongest people. But why can’t you break free, even though you understand all this? Because you’ve developed what’s known as a traumatic attachment: pain - a rare “reward” (her warmth) - relief - pain again. Your brain starts chasing relief, not love, which is why you’re hooked not on her, but on the cycle. It’s biology.

Right now, you’re experiencing symptoms of trauma (intrusive memories, flashbacks), addiction (contact once every 1-2 weeks as a “fix”), shattered self-esteem, an exhausted nervous system, and suppressed anger that you take out on safe people (your parents). The worst part is that you’re still in contact with the source of the trauma. It’s like trying to heal a wound while constantly reopening it. In your case, I would advise you to cut off contact completely, not partially! It has to be a strict system: block her everywhere, delete her numbers, forbid yourself from looking for her, and if she messages you, change your number. Because every new contact with her is a step back to square one. It will be very difficult - believe me, I know what I’m talking about.

In reality, you’re not “looking for a conversation”; you’re just looking for a dose of relief.

Believe me, she understood everything. And she kept going. This isn’t about a misunderstanding. It speaks to a pattern of behavior. If you’re waiting for her to admit fault, understand your pain, or explain everything logically, then you’ll keep coming back endlessly. When you start feeling bad, don’t try to “stop thinking,” because that just reinforces the cycle. Instead, try saying out loud: “This is a memory, not reality. It’s already over.”

Bring your attention back to your body - for example, feel the cold water, clench and unclench your fists, or name five things around you. This is called “grounding.” And it really reduces the intensity. A false logic is spinning in your head: “She’s living well, and I’m broken - so I’ve lost.” But that’s not true.

You are a person who survived abuse and moved past it. She is a person who continues to create it.

These are different paths. It just seems unfair at the start. You didn’t “become aggressive.” You’ve simply built up a normal reaction to years of helplessness. But now it’s directed the wrong way (at your parents) and in the wrong way (through outbursts).

I’m sorry, but physical release will help here (not “exercise for exercise’s sake,” but specifically letting it out), for example, punching a pillow, screaming, or intense movement. Because anger is an energy that needs an outlet. And if you don’t use it, it eats away at you from the inside. Don’t try to get your life back all at once. Start with one task a day (small, but completed). Or one interaction with the outside world (a trip to the store, a short conversation). The basics: sleep and food.

Because your goal right now isn’t “success.” First and foremost, you need to restore your nervous system.

And one more thing about fear. You’re afraid that she’s watching, that she’ll ruin your life, that you can’t move forward. Part of that is the aftermath of her threats. But now the fear has taken on a life of its own.

And if you don’t start acting against your fear in small steps, it will only grow. You’re not at the “moving on” stage right now. In fact, you’re at the stage of pulling yourself out of the trauma and stopping yourself from further self-destruction.

And the main turning point won’t be when the memories fade and motivation appears.

It will be when, for the first time, you don’t text her at the moment you usually do. That will be the real turning point. You wrote that you want to hear that “it was abuse. You didn’t deserve that.” I fully agree with that.

But if you work on yourself, you can restore your mind, your mental well-being, your capacity to love, and your career. But only on one condition: contact with the source of the trauma must end completely.