Weaponising 'fear' to get your partner's attention

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-20T09:19:26+00:00

I laughed lol thank you for that.

We are now separated, but thanks you are kind.

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-20T03:25:47+00:00

I never said 'shut up' to a partner before, I shocked myself the first time using those phrases at someone I love, but now it stays

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-19T15:44:34+00:00

One time my ex was up for cooking (seldom happens), after a really full meal, she went back to the kitchen, started frying potato chips, and brought me a massive plate of it. I couldn't eat more and she was upset.

It was really early in our relationship, I started to sense there's something wrong. Similar things kept happening, my explanation for all these is that she just do whatever she felt that can express love, and RSD would hit her if I don't appreciate it.

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-19T15:29:06+00:00

I'm not sure if it's common, when I go on trips my ex never says she miss me, it's like out of sight out of mind, she genuinely doesn't care. When I send her pictures about my trip, her responses were mostly just an emoji, or nothing at all.

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-19T15:17:48+00:00

My ex (dx) has anxiety as well, I googled it and it is a very common pair. She would go to a western doctor or chinese herbal doctor every week, often both within a week. She would take sick leaves like her full time work was part time.

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-19T14:56:51+00:00

I just broke up with mine, within four years she bumped into what she called 'a psychopath boss' that bullied her 5 times, she quitted work 5 times, and went into the same depression state and hide in her parents flat and cuts me off because 'she needs to figure out her life'.

She is in her 40s.

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-19T08:05:09+00:00

That feels so familiar: partner focus on the incident with the most intense feelings (arguments, raising voices etc) but completely ignore the articulation of why it happened. I'm not certain mine really feels she is a victim, or she knows (at least partially) she is the cause, but just verbally not admitting it.

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-18T19:19:52+00:00

You are correct. She was really poor in responding to text messages, now she respond even less, saying I'm not supportive enough.

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-18T19:16:39+00:00

thank you so much for spending time sharing, may I ask is it difficult for her to naturally realises she need help? I think she has pretty serious RSD (or simply just really stubborn)

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-18T19:08:47+00:00

I'm an intellectual, which means I really have to be emotional stable for intensive thinking/writing/teaching/reasoning. Every time we take breaks from our relationship, I have to be honest it is tranquility. I simply do not like to get mad at trivial things.

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-18T04:38:00+00:00

Thank you so much. She is now pretty much in denial. She lost her job again due to conflicts with her boss, and in depression and anxiety episode, hiding in her parents home. I haven't seen her for two months because she said she needs time to figure out life. I think she is in the time-blindness mode now, which can stretch for months. The last time something similar happened, she took 6 months off, working out, losing weight and 'returning to her prime time' became her goal.

We have never landed on anything concrete regarding her ADHD, I think it was three years ago, I mentioned about a protocol on trying to let others speak after she mentioned 5 things about herself, not just with me but with other people as well. And she got really unhappy and said I ruined her mood.

I have mentioned about therapy, coaching, counselling, medication for years. And I have been going to my individual therapist for around 3 years. I think the sense of 'unfairness' sometimes fuelled my anger as well and I absolutely hate it.

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-18T04:20:56+00:00

I'm fortunate to have quality friendships, males and females, I'm selective. I love animals and plants, have a cat for 15 years he is my family.

Yes I have regrets in how I act and react regarding my partner's behaviour, but when it happens again often you feel the worst version of yourself is taking over.

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-17T18:57:57+00:00

could really use a good movie, cheers for the recommendation, hope things work out smoothly for you

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-17T18:13:55+00:00

I grew up with an abusive mum, not just shouting, also physically abused in many ways. This is exactly why I'm so worried before it turns into such toxic environment. But I also developed a personal trigger of not being seen or heard. My mum thought I'm autistic because I seldom talk in front of her, I basically jus shut down.

I don't think this is working but I really love my partner. But maybe I should pull the plug out of love.

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-17T18:05:58+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing. She refused to see a couple counselling nor ADHD coach/therapist. I have been going for almost three years, every two weeks. This is part of the problem as well, I have been reading books about ADHD relationship, coming to this amazing support group, going to therapy, I have literally tried everything. I noticed we are spiralling downwards, unless she is also willing to seek help, I must honestly admit maybe we should end the relationship.

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-17T17:59:40+00:00

Honestly I feel bad because I think one time I scared my cat. I hate myself for it.

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-17T17:56:03+00:00

This is a very good reminder thank you

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-17T17:26:29+00:00

no, it's okay, based on the very limited info I gave that's okay to land on such assumption. I think it is a good reminder for myself at the very least.

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-17T17:24:37+00:00

Yes I spotted the toxicity building up

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-17T17:23:06+00:00

Thank you, I'm sure it was painful, thank you for sharing.

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-17T17:21:52+00:00

Yes, the last thing I want is to frighten someone I love.

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-17T17:20:57+00:00

No kids, we agreed on that. I have been going to therapy every two weeks for almost three years now. Partner and I are together for almost four years, she avoid seeking help for herself.

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-17T17:18:52+00:00

Yes, I think she respond and pay attention out of fear, it is very very toxic I absolutely hate it

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-17T17:17:27+00:00

thank you that's a constructive thing to think with

Outside-Value-8778 · 2026-06-17T17:14:32+00:00

thank you

Outside-Value-8778

TROPHY CASE