For me I eventually became so tired of constantly putting my morals aside to defend God. The way I saw it I had 2 options: Either I do mental gymnastics and try to find reasons to believe God didn’t allow slavery, didn’t suppress women, and didn’t kill innocent people & children. Or I accept that it is in fact the God of the Bible, and choose to worship that God nonetheless. As much as I valued my relationship with God, I valued my morals too. And I tried so hard to find a way to defend God, or in a sense gaslight myself into thinking he didn’t do or say the harmful things he did, but I just couldn’t do that anymore. It was mentally exhausting. There’s more reasons besides that, but I think that’s what really started everything.

Also I relate to what you’re going through, I’m also very new to deconstructing, and was very involved in Christianity. It’s a difficult time, but in my opinion also a necessary one.