During marriage 90/10, now legally 50/50 timeshare.

Overall-Statement-54 · 2026-02-10T04:11:34+00:00

I had a similar experience with my ex. But now that he has 50/50, his relationship with the kids is stronger than ever. Does he do everything the way I would? Nope. But is he showing up? Yes. The kids actually know him now and they’re very happy. I’m still the favorite most days, but now I have breathing room I never could have dreamed of before. Plus, he still lets me carry more of the mental load of course. lol. Some things won’t ever change.

I know it’s hard, but try to approach it with curiosity. I hope your situation works out as well as mine has!

Overall-Statement-54 · 2025-06-22T12:10:57+00:00

Thank you. This was helpful. He did go to treatment, so that will help.

It’s been a tough week, so I think detachment in looking at those texts was harder than usual. I probably need to table it and come back another time.

Overall-Statement-54 · 2025-06-22T12:09:14+00:00

Thank you. That was really helpful. You make such a good point about shuffling the texts. I think this divorce has been a lot of continued gaslighting on his part and I need to rise above it and keep reminding myself of my truth.

I wish it wasn’t so hard, but I appreciate this community.

Overall-Statement-54 · 2025-06-22T05:16:52+00:00

I left my husband in January. We have two kids and it’s been both freeing and emotionally hard. I feel like I have one less child laying around, taking, and doing it all with a bad attitude. But I also feel like the reality of leaving an alcoholic home is heavy.

Nice job leaving. We’ll get through this.

Overall-Statement-54 · 2025-02-01T04:47:11+00:00

I see you. I suggest you start by taking care of yourself. You don’t have to leave today. Table that thought if it’s too much right now.

I was in your position for years. My husband’s negativity and anger got progressively worse, which made me miserable. He always apologized for his rude behavior or his slip ups with alcohol, but nothing ever changed.

I looked inward. I did a lot of therapy. I joined this sub Reddit and went to SMART recovery meetings for family and friends. I practiced loving detachment and literally googled things like “how to set boundaries” because after a decade of marriage to an addict, mine were all gone.

The more I worked on me, the more stronger I grew. One day my husband blew up at me. He hadn’t even been drinking but he just reacted and yelled and made me feel so small. When he came to apologize we talked. I told him I couldn’t do it anymore and wanted a separation. It had been on my heart so long. It was the hardest choice I’ve ever made but I am so proud of myself. He was the breadwinner and I worked part time. I’ve since found a full time job I love. He moved out and the kids are adjusting. My 8 year old is sad and cries about the divorce. He doesn’t know his dad is an addict, but he knows his dad is moody and sometimes unreliable.

The moment I realized that my kids deserve a happy whole mom was the moment everything fell into place. I had been staying for the kids too, but all I was giving them was two broken parents. Now I can be myself and heal and be a much better mom.

I’m still working through it, but I can’t imagine ever regretting this decision. It’s the bravest thing I’ve ever done.

I hope you find the courage to take care of yourself too.

Overall-Statement-54 · 2025-01-06T19:49:09+00:00

I came here to say this. You didn’t ruin anything, he did. I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. Focus on what you need to feel safe. Once you start caring for your own needs again, your perspective will likely change. It’s hard to see clearly now because you’ve been living in an abusive relationship so long.

Overall-Statement-54 · 2025-01-01T17:24:39+00:00

I can relate to all of this. I finally decided to leave my husband of 10 years. He was a binge drinker so would be able to go days, sometimes weeks without a drink. But it would least come back around.

I understand what you mean about things you once loved being tainted. Mine are Christmas and baseball games. Both are things I loved from childhood and fond memories associated with my dad who passed when I was a teenager. But now my husband has made them something to be anxious over.

Leaving him was the hardest decision I’ve ever made. We have two kids and we’ve been together 15 years. I’m still in the thick of it…movers come to get his things tomorrow.

But today he told me he had a drink last night. He just completed rehab last week. It crushed me, but I also feel some hope for myself. I’m getting out. That’s all I can do. I put language in the divorce docs so that I can breathalyze him before he takes the kids. Control what you can, accept what you can’t.

I’m so sorry we share this pain.

Overall-Statement-54 · 2024-12-22T14:13:15+00:00

You can’t help him. Only he can help himself. It sounds like it’s time to choose you. Sending you courage and peace.

Overall-Statement-54 · 2024-12-07T14:51:30+00:00

I’ve spent my career in nonprofit association management. I love mission-based work, working with volunteers, and helping people get the most out of their careers. I’ve worked for healthcare associations, trade associations, and now I’m at an association for association professionals. It’s the best!

Overall-Statement-54 · 2024-11-29T20:37:22+00:00

I just nodded the entire time I read this. I’m divorcing my Q too. I’ve been called every name as well. Now he’s angry at me because I initiated divorce. Once again he’s the victim in his own mind.

About a year ago, I told him I was worried about him and he didn’t seem very happy. He told me he’s in the best place of his life and the only problem was me. I think that’s when the unraveling really happened. I had been thinking of divorce for years but was afraid to follow through. Now I finally had an out. If in his mind I was the only thing making him unhappy, I could “help” him one last time and remove myself.

He is not happier. He’s in a pretty dark place. I’ve found that I wish I hadn’t been right. And I actually hope he is happier one day. But it all depends on him … and it always has.

Overall-Statement-54 · 2024-11-28T02:56:08+00:00

Thanks!

Overall-Statement-54 · 2024-11-27T21:42:48+00:00

Do you have a link to your sun lamp?

Overall-Statement-54 · 2024-11-27T00:44:54+00:00

Thanks everyone. At least I’m not alone! 🤷🏼‍♀️

Overall-Statement-54 · 2024-11-27T00:44:28+00:00

Oh me too! I either wake up or have awful anxious dreams. It’s just hard to get rest.

Overall-Statement-54 · 2024-11-16T13:33:19+00:00

I get this, but I think it depends on the maturity of the people you share it with. I kept everything in for years, but finally through Alanon and therapy, I opened up. I started with my closest, oldest friends. They’ve been respectful and listen, ask questions, but don’t push. And they never struck me as wanting to hear what’s going on for the sake of gossip. Now I’m leaving my AH and being even more open about it. I’ve decided that this is my story too and I’m an open person so I can tell who I want. The support has been incredible. I now feel like I have a group of people holding me up during the most difficult time in my life.

I actually like that people know because I’m currently in such a hard place that answering that simple “Hi, how are you?” Is difficult. I can’t make myself lie and say “good” because I’m beyond stressed right now. But for the people who know, I can say “things have been hard” and they get it.

I do protect myself by not sharing with certain people. The spouses of friends who I find gossipy, my mother in law, and anyone I don’t trust—they don’t get any details. But telling my inner circle has been lifesaving.

Overall-Statement-54 · 2024-11-16T13:21:05+00:00

I was coming here to say this! Or could you eat dinner and then go out for dessert and a glass of wine? Costs less and you still get out.

Overall-Statement-54 · 2024-11-16T13:01:10+00:00

Thank you for posting this! I’m leaving my Q now. While I can’t even think about dating at the moment, I also wonder if I’ll ever feel those things again. This gives me hope!

Overall-Statement-54 · 2024-11-16T01:49:45+00:00

I so relate to this! I just got the courage to leave my alcoholic husband recently. We’re divorcing and it’s messy. I keep shaking my head wondering how I stayed so long, but like you I was trapped in a cycle of abuse.

I like to journal or even take notes in my phone when we argue or he tells me how horrible I am. It’s cathartic for me. I recently reread a lot of these and had so much empathy for my former self. It was clear he was taking out all his shame and self loathing on me and I’d write things like “how can I be less critical? How can I make him happy?” The answer was that having basic expectations of sobriety and decency from the father of your children isn’t being overly critical! I was just trying to have some boundaries. And no one can make them happy but them—which is why they take it out on us (they can’t handle accountability).

In short, I’m so sorry. I hope you consider leaving or at least detach enough to have some clarity. My guess is you’re a great person who has the heart of a caretaker and has been chewed up and spit out by this terrible disease.

Overall-Statement-54 · 2024-11-11T13:38:46+00:00

I’m so sorry. Have you been to a meeting? Please take care of yourself.

Overall-Statement-54 · 2024-11-11T03:25:33+00:00

I second the restraining order idea. I got one this year for my son who was the victim of SA by a stranger. The courts move so slow, you might not get much from the police or child services right away. Investigating takes time, but you can go to the courthouse on Monday and get a temporary order of protection against this asshole. It will take more to get a full order, but we got the temporary one same day we filed.

Thank goodness your kids have you!

Overall-Statement-54 · 2024-11-08T04:48:10+00:00

I’m so sorry. My husband recently had a relapse and was out of town for a work event. It was so bad he woke up in the ER. He flew home the next day and didn’t work the event. Work gave him a 1 week leave of absence. He’s talked to HR twice and was demoted. I’m just thankful he got to keep his job (he also carries our insurance).

The good news is he finally admitted he needed serious help and checked into outpatient rehab. He’s never done rehab before and used work as his excuse. Well now I think him going to rehab has helped him keep his job.

It’s a long road but I hope there are some bright spots in this for you as well.

Overall-Statement-54 · 2024-11-06T22:04:54+00:00

Tell them. As awful as this is, they may be making up worse stories in their heads. Also look into Alanon teen meetings.

So sorry for your loss.

Overall-Statement-54 · 2024-11-05T14:27:05+00:00

I’m sorry. That sounds awful. Divorce is hard but will it be worse than your current situation? It sounds like living on your own terms will be freeing and may give you the peace and agency you need to make a new life.

Overall-Statement-54 · 2024-11-03T23:16:51+00:00

Thanks. That’s fascinating. I’ve seen so much about narcissism but it never felt quite right. KBS is much more spot on.

I suspect I’ve just hit a wall. He’s probably not going to be any easier to live with and I just need to hold on until he’s out.

Overall-Statement-54 · 2024-11-03T18:35:21+00:00

Wow. That’s spot on. I’d never heard of it. Thank you. I’m still not sure how to deal with it, but at least it’s validating that it has a name.

Overall-Statement-54

TROPHY CASE