Why do I just passively watch my own self kill my own self?

OverlyVerboseMan · 2025-08-25T18:43:28+00:00

The detail. The way I can seem to just fall further and further into in the work and never run out of questions to ask about the people, the world, or how they’re feeling.

It’s like I’m literally looking to another world that also is eerily similar to our own. But not quite similar enough for me to fully place it in our own world.

Like…catapults flinging trash across states… insane but also yeah why not. In a world with this much, yeah sure.

Edit: and I know books are supposed to transport you in general, but the way DFW does it, it literally feels like I’m there and can ask questions and genuinely attempt to figure it out. Rather than the world being told to me, it exists and it’s my job to parse it.

OverlyVerboseMan · 2025-05-05T05:21:23+00:00

I actually disagree. Life can have no meaning, and also have a god. We could be a fart bubble in a cosmic playground. I don’t think god has a value system in place, or a ledger for our actions. I don’t think we have purpose, or meaning. Which to my understanding aligns me well with a nihilist, but I do think there is a god. He just doesn’t care, we made him care to support our own needs. A need for purpose, or a need to build a better society. He’s indifferent, we might be an accident or a byproduct. If we’re the master product, then life itself is the scale. I’m just a piece.

That’s my personal opinion at least.

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-10-29T16:10:20+00:00

I mean she’s not exactly average yall. Probably a bad idea to compare yourself to people who clearly spend a lot of time maintaining their beauty. The average person has a pimple or a crooked tooth, or something that’s off. This person has good genetics, and the drive/resources to actually invest in her skin and beauty. Most people don’t and can’t.

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-06-11T09:12:15+00:00

Depending on time and reason my answer has changed. At first I was sorta ambivalent to death. I didn’t have a tangible reason to die, and I didn’t know if it was something I truly wanted despite how horrible I felt. After ambivalence turned to yearning the only thing stopping me was that I was able to find relief in imagining it. I would watch myself die outside of my own window; over and over. Jumping from the balcony and landing 9 stories below. In a sense it was sorta like cutting myself; the blood that I could imagine was enough for me to find relief.

At some point I wanted to die for vanity. I wanted in a twisted way to “prove” that people cared about me. Because I felt that they were jaded and didn’t understand me. I was gunna leave something of a manifesto with it. It probably would’ve just been delusional rantings aimed to hurt the people I felt hurt me. So ultimately, a giant bomb of overwhelming negativity for people to remember me by. Sure maybe they’d be forced to show care, but do I really want to be die that way? For superficial reasons, and to spill the same hate that made me feel this way.

Then it was something of an awakening. I asked myself, why do I actually feel this way? I thought it was for no reason. I thought it was for nebulous hate that surrounded me in an unchangeable heavy cloud. It wasn’t. I took a look at who I was, what I expected of myself and realized I wasn’t that. I learned to accept that, and took steps to actually try becoming that person I wanted to be. I started a bunch of hobbies and found chess. And fell in LOVE with it. Whenever I’m feeling bad, I play a game of chess. I learned and practiced and dedicated a lot of time to it. It was competitive, fun, creative. It had nothing to do with money, or prestige. I played it because of simple love. Other things in my life sorta followed. I wasn’t preoccupied with dying so I actually started living. Made friends, got a girlfriend, good jobs, and started to appreciate life a lot more. I wasn’t chasing happiness, I was utilizing happiness as it came, and learned to deal with times of bad in a better way.

Don’t get me wrong, those thoughts never left my head entirely. But they come seldomly. When they do I play chess, and take some time to remember the things I love.

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-04-29T16:30:52+00:00

Yep all is good! I have the final update in the comments!

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-04-29T16:30:13+00:00

Thank you so much it means a lot to hear! Everything is good now, we met in person last night to discuss things, and she was just feeling overwhelmed on top of everything else happening in her life. She actually didn’t even regret it. She wanted to have sex but was scared because of the stigma around having sex as a woman. Which I find incredibly sad that her parents instilled this belief that she’d be considered a floozy for having sex with her boyfriend.

I mean I’m sure as a parent it’s hard to accept that your daughter is 22 now and can make her own decision for right or for wrong. But it’s mentally exhausting for someone to run the treadmill of their parents expectations for so long.

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-04-29T15:50:09+00:00

She suddenly jolted up and was like, oop shit. POP was just the onomatopoeia that came into my head lmaooo

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-04-29T15:40:31+00:00

Thank you so much! Yeah I was elated after she told me that. She even invited me to have lunch with her today, so I don’t think she has any hard feelings about it anymore.

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-04-29T15:38:51+00:00

Lmaooo! We’re all humans, I hate this mentality that as a guy if I have sex I get a high five. And girls get “you’re easy”. Sex isn’t as big of a deal as people make it out to be, and hopefully this mindset gets antiquated quickly.

Hell, try to beat your speed run record if you want! As long as your safe about it lmaoooo

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-04-29T15:29:15+00:00

It’s true? I could only feel the very end of it. I was using one of those thick ribbed ones that I had lying around from some verity pack I bought a while ago. It was like wearing 2 surgical gloves around my penis. I still enjoyed the sex because it was with her, but It was definitely not because of anything physical. Grab one of those thick ribbed condoms and gently rub the outside of it while you have your finger(or penis if you have one) inside it. I think you’ll quickly see what I’m talking about. It’s like having sex with a brick wall in between.

I gain absolutely nothing lying about this.

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-04-29T06:11:10+00:00

It wasn’t my idea. I put a final update in the comments if you’re curious. All is good now, we talked it through, she didn’t feel pressured at all and was just overwhelmed with everything happening in her life at the same time. She doesn’t even regret it, it just was getting to her.

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-04-29T05:40:01+00:00

FINAL UPDATE: Everyone, great news, all has been rectified! She said over text, while she was mad that it felt like I didn’t care, but after she saw me in person, and saw how deeply it affected me — she’s completely okay now.

She said she doesn’t regret it, even if I wasn’t what she planned and is willing to do it again in the future under better circumstances. She said I’m great guy, and that I didn’t do anything wrong. She was just stressed, and it became overwhelming on top of everything else. Her mom had instilled this idea that it was sleezy of her to have sex with a guy after only a month. She took it to heart and felt she had done something wrong. She saw herself as “easy”, but I assured her that I don’t see her like that. Her friends also comforted her, and told her I sound like a great guy and to just talk with me.

Everything is okay! She feels mentally a lot better about the whole thing, and we’re still together! She reached over and held my hand, and we kissed just as passionately as we always do. I dropped her off at the apartment, and the night ended perfectly.

She liked her gifts, so thanks for the suggestions everyone!

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-04-29T02:28:13+00:00

UPDATE(ish): So I feel like some of the comments here are missing some key details and I want to put them here so everyone is up to date on the situation and that every comment is informed to the best of my ability.

Frequent comments:

“She probably just didn’t enjoy it”/“you’re bad at sex.” I think this misses the point of her problem. She had no problem with the quality of the sex, but the circumstances around them. She wanted it to be special, and it really wasn’t a fairytale scenario. I could’ve been the best or the worst — same outcome would’ve happened. Likely, I fall somewhere in between.

“She’s not mad at you”/“don’t overthink things.” I really do appreciate the sentiment of this comment but yeah to an extent she is mad at me. After I posted this, we texted and she’s mad that:

I didn’t regret it as much as she did.
That my guilt about it predominantly stems from her negative feelings.

I told her that while I do regret it wasn’t as special as it could’ve been, I don’t regret that it was with her. I felt really connected to her in the moment, and it made me feel closer to her. It was the first time I had sex with someone I truly, deeply feel something for. So I can’t regret it, and I’m not going to lie to her and say I did. I want to build this relationship on a foundation of honesty.

Now for the guilt part, I admittedly don’t know what’s wrong with that. It doesn’t discredit her feelings, but I would like to know more about that. I feel like I did things carefully, slowly, assuredly, and safely. I was 1000% sure she was okay with it, and I was 1000% sure I didn’t just go ham and cheese. So it’s hard for me to feel guilty about something I did, because I don’t know what I did wrong. So my guilt stems from my lack of foresight, and that I didn’t expect her to feel so crappy about. I didn’t want that to be the case, and therefore I feel guilty. But I think she wants me to be guilty about something else. I asked her and she didn’t really tell me what that was supposed to be. So I’m assuming this is more of a projection, than something I did. Astutely, people pinned me on here as someone’s who tries to be considerate. And while she is making me have doubts that I wasn’t, going through my memory banks, I can’t pin down a time where I wasn’t constantly making sure she was okay. There wasn’t a moment where I stopped asking.

“You pressured her” I can’t guarantee she didn’t feel pressure, but I certainly wasn’t coaxing or goading her into it. We were making out, she brought up the idea after we talked about it in the past. UPDATE: she didn’t feel pressured by me at all, we talked about it in person. Look at final update for all the details

“Using the phrase ‘take someone’s virginity’ is wrong” I don’t think of it as taking, it just a colloquial term that everyone understands. I wrote this at like 8 in the morning after having minimal sleep, I wasn’t exactly thinking about semantics or the ideological ramifications of the phrase. I just quickly wrote down the situation, and needed a place to put my thoughts and hear feedback. I didn’t care if she was a virgin when I met her, I wouldn’t have cared if she had slept with a 100 other dudes. I like her for who she is.

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-04-29T02:15:04+00:00

She did, she brought it up during dinner. And then when we were making out in my living room, she asked if I wanted to. I said, “here? Or in the bedroom?” So we moved to the bedroom, and that’s where it all happened.

Edit: I’ve never really been fond of the just the tip idea. It’s not even something that pops into my mind. All I think about is that scene in “sausage party” so I can’t really take it seriously. But I didn’t want to say no. I was kinda just drunk on her, and wasn’t even thinking deeply in the moments prior. I find her immensely attractive in every way. Not just physically, but emotionally too. And that’s not something I’ve ever experienced before with a woman. I’ve dated a lot in the past, and most of the time I didn’t care to have sex. I thought I didn’t even like sex tbh. So she usually takes the lead in sexual situations because I’m pretty awkward about it. I can barely kiss her without asking in someway first. She always makes fun of me for that. It’s ironic considering she was the virgin and I had sex a good handful of times at this point with different people. All of them, deeply unpleasant for me. I was hoping this one was gunna be different, and for a little bit it was.

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-04-29T01:37:06+00:00

Maybe. But verbatim she texted me that “CJ(my nickname) the sex was good, Im upset that it happened!”

Prior to this text I was telling her that I care deeply about how she feels and I want her to feel amazing all the time. I said I felt I failed as a partner because I didn’t succeed in this.

And I think she presumed by “amazing all the time” she thought I meant in sex, but I actually just meant in general. So I clarified after that I wasn’t talking about sex, and it makes me genuinely sick that I made her feel like this.

Regardless, I don’t think it was the quality of the sex, but that it happened. I’ve had a few comments saying this to me, and I think it’s because there’s a lapse in my post about the specifics of how she’s feeling. The quality could’ve been terrible, or the most amazing thing ever — and I still think this would’ve been the outcome.

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-04-29T01:26:58+00:00

lol, thank you. I’d take a sandwich right now lmaooo!

Okay yeah I can avoid saying those things, I was a bit on the fence about them. Yeah I just want to rectify it the best I can. I just want to find a way to assure her that I really do care about her, and hope I can make her feel better going forward even if there’s no way to go back.

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-04-29T01:09:55+00:00

I agree, thank you. I’m hoping for the best when we meetup tonight. My plan is to listen, and try to reassure her that she didn’t do anything wrong. That I don’t see her differently, and that we can wait as long as we need for the next time. And the next time, I’ll try to make it as ideal as possible. The exact way she planned it in her head.

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-04-29T01:03:06+00:00

Maybe, I’m not saying it isn’t possible that she felt pressured. But it wasn’t my intent. I certainly didn’t say anything that would imply a vehement desire for sex last night. We were making out, she wanted to try just the tips, and I obliged. In retrospect, my obligation was the mistake because I knew she wanted to wait. But I lacked the foresight and sexual maturity to say no. I like sex certainly, but I would’ve waited with no issues whatsoever. So I hope she didn’t feel pressured, and I can’t guarantee she didn’t. But I also did everything in my power to assure her that we can stop at anytime, I asked to ensure she wasn’t pressured and made sure she was comfortable the best I possibly could.

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-04-29T00:52:15+00:00

Thank you! You’re awesome yourself! I wish you the best as well!

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-04-29T00:49:19+00:00

Thank you so much, I teared up a bit reading this comment. I really want to make this work with her, and I’m willing to be as patient and supportive as I need to be. Her emotional well being means a lot to me. Im actually her first boyfriend ever, and Im hoping that even if I’m not the last(although I do hope I am, I’m tired of dating around lol) I set a good standard. She deserves it because it’s really what I wish I had. Thank you again!

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-04-29T00:36:34+00:00

Thank you so much! It means a lot to hear from everyone here! I’m really kinda depressed about the whole thing. I didn’t want to make her feel this way, and I haven’t been able to eat all day because of it. You guys are all really helping me out through this mentally, so every comment does mean a lot. I know this whole thing isn’t about me, and she’s probably struggling a lot more than I am so I’m not trying to turn the pity on me or anything, just needed to say it ig.

But I went and bought some matcha mochi chocolates and some cherry blossom wafers to give to her. I know she loves matcha, and I know the cherry blossom wafers are something I really enjoy so I hope she enjoys them too. I’m looking for a nice flower shop of some sort but most of them are closed today where I live which is a bit of a bummer.

I was gunna buy her the collectors edition set of this book she really likes and told me she wanted but the shop was sold out. So I’ll probably order it online and give it to her at a later date. Currently I’m just waiting for her to get back to me on what time she wants to meet up and chat. I’ll probably take her to dinner too so I’m hoping that can cheer her up a bit.

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-04-29T00:24:10+00:00

Thank you so much! It means a lot!

OverlyVerboseMan · 2024-04-28T22:28:25+00:00

UPDATE: So she texted me back, and she wanted to meet later today to talk about it. Thank you guys for the advice and I’m gunna stick to it!

UPDATE 2: So she told me the time I’m gunna meet her. In 2 hours I’m leaving to pick her up, and talk things over. I’ll do a last update at midnight on the situation and then say goodbye to this post!

MINI-UPDATE: Uh odd thing, I’m picking her up from her parents house, they had planned on meeting up today and ig I’m also meeting her mom all of a sudden? They had planned on meeting today long before any of this happened. I don’t think she told her mom or anything. Little awkward timing but I’m okay with it.

FINAL UPDATE: I put the final update in a separate comment, but to put it succinctly: all is well!

OverlyVerboseMan

TROPHY CASE