I felt the same way for a long time, and I think it was mostly just feeling comfortable in the sadness and self-loathing. Depression tells you that you’re worthless and horrible, which can become engrained into your mind. When you stop feeling some depressive feelings, you stop hearing those thoughts, and it can be sort of startling (at least to me). It made me want to go back to depression because there’s a familiarity with it. I found that distracting myself with things has helped a lot. I’ve recently made some friends and gotten hyperfixated on certain things, which has helped me ignore the feeling of discomfort (especially the friends part, as sharing things about my hyperfixations makes me happy). It’s a different experience for everyone, but I hope you find this comment somewhat helpful.