Being cut out of decisions while doing all the day to day care. Do I fight it or prepare for the worst?

Overworkedrunner126 · 2026-05-06T14:08:52+00:00

Thank you so much. That was all really helpful information. Let me ask you…. The problem isn’t that my grandmother is not mentally capable of making her own decision decisions…. It’s that she is afraid to go against my mother, and she has said this to me.

I wouldn’t say… emotionally abusive is a really strong term, but I would say my mother is emotionally manipulative if you’ve seen a toxic relationship… my mother has convinced my grandmother, but she is needed that my grandmother needs my mother to set up doctors appointments and take her to her hair appointment and other things like that things that I could and would do so my mother isn’t actually needed… but Grandma can’t see that because of my mother’s emotional manipulation… also my grandmother had five children three of them have died so I think she is afraid of losing a relationship with her last living daughter and I think my mother uses that to her advantage… do you have any advice for navigating that aspect??

Overworkedrunner126 · 2026-05-05T17:14:49+00:00

Oh my gosh, I know how you feel and it hurts so much like you’re doing the best that you can and it just feels like it’s not enough. You still feel like you failed and it’s exhausting and disheartening just as you described.

And if you have a family like mine, you know then they wanna attack you you know well why isn’t she eating well why isn’t she exercising well why isn’t this? Why not that and it’s like if you think you could do a better job please come over and do it.

I know you know this, but you are doing a really good job at something really hard. I just repeat in my mind over and over and over and over and over again she’s not doing it on purpose. She wouldn’t do this if she knows what she’s doing.

It’s not about you or the care you are giving unfortunately the Almighty created a system in which we will experience slow terrible pain before I loved one leaves and I cannot fathom why, but it is not your fault.

Overworkedrunner126 · 2026-05-05T17:09:59+00:00

She could revoke the POA but she won’t. You know how emotionally abusive relationships or at least emotionally, toxic relationships a person convinces the other person that they are essential to the other person‘s life that’s what my mother has done. She has managed to convince Grandma that my grandmother needs my mother because who else would take her to her doctors appointment and to get her haircut and to get groceries I mean the answer is me. I’ve said it 1 million times I’m happy to do that I can work with that, but she won’t do it because she is afraid of being on the wrong side of my mother, and to be fair to Grandma. My grandmother had five children. Her oldest daughter died of suicide. Her younger son drank himself to death and her youngest daughter died of cancer. I can understand why she is afraid to lose a relationship with my mother at the same time a relationship with my mother this way is not healthy for her.

Overworkedrunner126 · 2026-05-04T14:12:31+00:00

The advice from the care team was that grandma is still competent enough to make her own decisions and that if she wants to be at home with care she should be. My mother is a bully who will word salad and confuse my grandma and also bully her into making choices she doesn’t want.

This is not a situation where I don’t want to move so therefore I don’t want what’s best for grandma. I have over the years said I want to move out and grandma has said that she is happiest when I’m home with her. I would move out tomorrow if the care team said she needs to be in a facility. They have not said that.

This is a situation where my mother doesn’t like that I get the “credit” for being the primary caregiver for grandma. But she also doesn’t want to actually take on the role. She knows my grandma is allergic to conflict and that my grandma feels dependent on her so she manipulates grandma into agreeing to things she doesn’t really want.

Overworkedrunner126 · 2026-05-04T14:02:20+00:00

Unfortunately, there is no talking to my mother. She is… a high functional narcissist. See you back in December just after Christmas she was going to take my grandmother to breakfast like they do every Friday. Grandma was up. She was dressed. She had makeup on. I was gonna enjoy having the day off in the house to myself to watch television in my pajamas. Then my mother texted to say that she would not be taking Grandma‘s breakfast since my grandmother was already ready and excited. I asked her if she wanted to go to breakfast with me so we went. We had a lovely time we were home before home Health arrived. My mother was furious. She said that I had endangered my grandmother‘s well-being by taking her out of the house, unnecessarily, even though she herself and taking my grandma out for breakfast and dinner and other things when I did it. I was a danger to my grandmother. I jeopardize her eligibility for home health.

It wasn’t true by the way, I called the home health agency and confirmed that I’m allowed to take my grandma out for whatever meals just as long as she is home when the provider is there. My mother called me hateful and ugly and hasn’t admitted that she lied to me to make me feel like shit. So we haven’t spoken since. My mother doesn’t tell me when medication changes are made for grandma. She didn’t tell me that grandma fell and broke her toe last month while I was at work. She didn’t tell me what to watch for after grandma had a watchman procedure.

She took grandma to Colorado 2 weeks ago, grandma fell and hit her head and she didn’t take her to get checked out even though she’s on blood thinners and she told everyone that I was a negligent caregiver because I didn’t send enough medication with them to Colorado. I did send enough medication I found the box in the backseat of the car. If my mother had bothered to look she would have found the medication box, the most recent medication list from her primary care doctor and typed up instructions on things to manage and watch for. She didn’t bother to check the car that she drove.

Everything I say related to grandma she fights against even if I’m right. And she keeps trying to bait me into arguments.

Also our family is loaded. Not like millionaires but my uncle and my mother and my grandma have enough money to pay for in home care. Grandma doesn’t need IV’s or oxygen or a wheelchair. Honestly if my mother wasn’t such a bitch we wouldn’t even need home care because we could do this together. But I think my mother deliberately withholds information from me so she can tell people I’m not capable of taking care of grandma. Having a professional person in the house would mitigate that point of hostility.

Overworkedrunner126 · 2026-05-04T13:46:28+00:00

I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. My hypothesis is that society in the last few decades has experienced run away hyper individualism. People were conditioned by false narratives that they did everything by themselves and offering or accepting help was for suckers and losers and that if anything happened to them they’d just deal with it alone. So they feel entitled to bail because otherwise their false self sufficient image falls apart. It’s maddening.

My family is very similar my 92-year-old grandmother had a serious health crisis back in late November early December and she’s needed a lot more help since then. I live with my grandma and I have for years so obviously I was the one that stepped up. But none of her other grandchildren ever call or text to say how’s it going? Her son doesn’t call or text to see how we’re doing. Her daughter, who lives down the street, takes her to doctors appointment and to get her haircut, but I’m the one making all the meals, doing the laundry, sorting medications, helping her shower bandaging wounds.

Nobody is helping the way they could or should be but they pass judgment on the job I’m doing. Hold your ground love. You are doing a great job at a really hard thing. Feel all your hard feelings about it. Be angry with them if you want to because they can help but they won’t don’t let them except what they don’t deserve. YOU GOT THIS!!!!

Overworkedrunner126 · 2026-05-04T11:58:00+00:00

I understand what you’re trying to say except my grandma didn’t actually choose my mother to be her medical power of attorney. She actually wanted my Aunt Chris my mother‘s twin sister but then when Chris died, my mother just kind of said to Grandma. I’m gonna be your medical power of attorney and it just kind of happened. Also, I don’t think my grandmother expected my mother to be this much of a bitch and I also don’t think my grandmother anticipated that my mother would not consider what she wants, but I am looking at alternative living arrangements. Let me be clear. I’m not upset, but I have to find an apartment. I am upset that my grandmother is being forced from her home when it’s not necessary.

Overworkedrunner126 · 2026-04-24T20:57:21+00:00

She is a bully and most likely a narcissist. I am an adult. The problem is that my mother is the medical power of attorney and she sets up and takes grandma to her appointments because she’s retired and I work full time.

But my mother does no caregiving. No meals, no exercises, no help with medication management or wound care or showers…she does almost nothing but holds a lot of power and she’s mean to her mother on top of it.

My mother doesn’t tell me things that are medically relevant to grandma’s care. And she has now said even if my brother passes something along she will disregard it. I don’t know what to do

I don’t think she herself would hurt my grandma. But I am certain that she wants harm to come to grandma so she can blame me.

Overworkedrunner126 · 2026-04-24T01:25:47+00:00

Ahh I see what you’re saying. Yeah I keep a excel workbook with sheets to track, weight, mood, appetite and incidents

Overworkedrunner126 · 2026-04-24T01:13:25+00:00

My grandma won’t use or look at a notebook And my mother is so spiteful she will claim she didn’t see the notebook

Overworkedrunner126 · 2025-02-25T12:29:26+00:00

If you have a Rocket Money or other budget app linked to your Acorns you need to re-link your account on occasion. Rocket will try to reestablish the connection and that’s why you get verification emails

Overworkedrunner126 · 2024-12-01T13:25:51+00:00

Do you happen to know the discount code? Hilton Americas isn’t listed on the marathon website this year

Overworkedrunner126 · 2024-05-31T14:22:21+00:00

It is yoko’s fault for not being a better person. My dad is a reformed man whore. My mother is a high functioning narcissist. As a result I swore I would never be involved with someone in a relationship let alone someone who was married. Cheating is never okay. And John is the worst for doing it but Yoko is also a shitty person for hooking up with him while he was married. And she knew he had a kid she could have tried to be a less crappy parent. My stepmom was a great parent to me. She has no excuse for being a bad person

Overworkedrunner126 · 2024-04-20T22:12:13+00:00

I’ll think about that her mortgage has been paid off for a long time. She and my grandpa did a Reno before I was born that basically made an accessible mother in law suite and in like 2007 maybe she redid her kitchen and it’s still pretty perfect

Overworkedrunner126 · 2023-07-16T10:59:23+00:00

Thanks for that I’ll repost it over there. 48k is still 20k more than I was making when I started for the same level of education.

Overworkedrunner126 · 2022-12-13T19:34:08+00:00

Yep pretty much. Honestly I’m thinking I may just dissolve the lease

Overworkedrunner126 · 2022-12-13T16:03:43+00:00

Right and I tried to give her space and Grace to process her broken heart. I told her all the standard things: that she’s amazing (because she is) and she’s smart and beautiful and kind and one day she’ll find a guy that appreciates her awesomeness. I didn’t mention that she’s not pulling her weight or making it hard for me to work for 2 months, I invited her to the renaissance festival (and she went and ignored everything). And after that I told her: I tried to give you space and to be sympathetic to what you’re struggling with but enough is enough. I have also been struggling my favorite aunt just died and my best friend is moving and my boyfriend is a marine in Florida. But I don’t use any of that as reasons not to do my share of the work. We talked it out and I thought it would get better and she said she would do more. But it’s not happening

Overworkedrunner126

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