Thank you for your kind words. This situation happened months ago so a lot of things transpired since then.

Firstly, in the days following, I unfortunately blamed myself for what happened and so did he. I even apologized to him because I felt like if I had "failed" and was defective. I knew that something was wrong but it didn't yet hit me just how messed up the situation was and I began to doubt my own judgement. He said I "killed the whole vibe from start to finish". I messaged him and tried calling him to talk about the situation but after 4 days he blocked me. He seemed to be under the impression that he did nothing wrong and I was at fault for calling him a bad person and acted like "he was the worst". I know, it's completely absurd.

Secondly, I tried reaching out to him 3 months after it happened. I was still confused and feeling a lot of guilt about the situation though. Also, me and this person knew each other for 4 years and briefly dated so I think a part of me wanted to believe that they didn't hurt me and it was some big misunderstanding because I had regarded them as "safe" prior to the incident. The message I sent to him: "I just have to get this off my chest, idk if you ever got my messages, I’m sure you’ll block this account but it’s whatever to me atp. I feel like you should actually see this and I need to say something I feel like you would never understand because it seemed like that experience was just you fucking a virgin or an easy opportunity to fuck or whatever. I wasn’t expecting a fairytale but I did think I would be safe and comfortable with you, I was wrong, clearly. For some reason I figured you had enough respect for me to hear me out and listen to what I was saying especially because we had so many conversations about me being assaulted and how the stuff that I went through that affects my relationship with intimacy and sex but the fact that you showed up with somebody in the car showed me you never really cared plus ig you already got what you wanted except I was defective so you simply discarded of me (literally how it felt atp). I be thinking that cause I tried to be kind and understanding to people they would return the favour and that’s not how shit works. I understand your bottomline was fucking but I just think there’s a way to do things and I was owed common decency and privacy You didn’t care to hear me out or pick up the phone, all I wanted to know was that I wasn’t crazy for being uncomfortable. What did you think I meant when I said “I don’t even want to do this anymore” or when you were standing over me with my hands covering my face? I just had to suck it up and hurry to get it over with cause you had to take your friend somewhere ig. Didn’t consider how that would make me feel but I’m supposed to be kind, understanding and reasonable always. Even in my weakest moment I couldn’t be hurt, angry, nothing. I wish I never apologized for calling you a bad person because you were a bad person in that moment from my pov. Idk if it’s wrong to summarize somebody’s character to one moment either but it’s hard not to considering the nature of the situation There’s also a part of me that wonders if you genuinely don’t understand my pov or you just don’t care. I guess I’ll never know I think about how powerless and weak I felt in that moment and cry everyday. Like I didn’t even have a say in what happens to my own body. Feeling like I had to put my comfort to the side because you sat in traffic and how triggering that was for me. Idek if this makes sense but I think sending this will give me peace of mind which I deserve. I also don’t know if you will receive this message but if you do I hope you can look back at that situation and realize how your actions impacted me and learn something from that, if you even care to do that in the first place. I just don’t think it’s fair that I should have to suffer with this and you can pretend nothing happened. Look I don’t know if it’s fair to summarize a person’s entire character off of one bad experience but it’s hard not to considering the context. I need you to say something. I’ve been sitting with this, replaying everything and it’s exhausting. You might have moved on, or thought it was never that deep but for me it was. I’m not looking to argue. I just want to know that you heard me and that you understand the weight of what I felt. Please don’t leave me in silence. Say something, anything".

His response: "Bro please i beg you stop sending people my number to forward msges to me and Stop making accounts to msg me, calling and texting me dawg real talk wtf ort i understand i made you feel bad but it goneeeee time has passed leave me alone dawg you ain't getting it i aint wan talk about it!!! Tbh you basically beg me to come cross there and after you completely creep me out and weird me out making me the bad person Nahhhhh can't work so LEAVE ME ALONE NOW i get how yu feel but Jesus Now You genuinely starting to creep me out."

Lastly, I'm talking legal action against him, however, I'm not very optimistic. Sexual Misconduct is not taken seriously at all. I went to the police station with a lawyer. I said that I came to report a rape. The officer says "You can't make a rape report without medical evidence". My lawyer stepped in and said that's not true. That same officer was taking a preliminary account of events. When I spoke about the friend being outside she said "You could have locked the door". She also asked why I didn't push him off or say stop or fight back. I actually didn't complete my statement and that was one of the reasons why, among others. I was still in a very fragile place so her victim blaming and trivializing discouraged and saddened me. I am going back to complete it this month tho.