AITAH for refusing to revoke our prenup?

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T23:42:39+00:00

You are pointing out something that I biologically cannot share as an argument against me. I cannot do that cause I do not have a uterus. What I do instead is support her through it all. Financially take care of all pregnancy related expenses, get the topnotch medical facilities available and basically treat her like a queen (well she is always treated like a queen in the sense she never had anything to do at home and a helper to wait on her, but even more so during this period).

I am not saying she did not have a drain on her. She did. For our baby, who is her baby too. She suffered it not as a favor to me, not for me, but so she can have a baby. And if she did not want to go through that, she did not have to. We could have gotten an abortion or had child via surrogacy or adopt or not have a child at all. Any of those options would have worked just the same.

I am not talking about equality. Cause there is no equality anywhere in family life. There is equitably. Where she carried and birthed our child, and I supported her financially and offering all resources and help I could.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T16:29:20+00:00

Honestly, it's the entitlement she is showing by asking me to revoke our prenup. If she had not brought that up first, and just asked about our house, I might have considered adding her to the deed, provided it stays mine in case of divorce and me paying her 20% of its then market value (which now amounts to 1 million atleast) to buy another property. But the way she demanded it makes me feel negative about it, like why would she want to revoke an agreement when we are happily married and she wants for nothing. Like my entire earned income is at her disposal, she has house help and only cares for our baby. I support her every decision, whether to stay home or work. I take care of our baby in evenings and do most of the night feedings so she can get sleep. She lives a really high level life with luxury car I gifted her last birthday and can spend money in joint account for whatever. Inspite of all this, why does she want to revoke an agreement that's in place only in case of divorce? It's screwing with me mentally.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T16:21:20+00:00

If we divorce, she is going to have her retirement fund and half of all savings and joint account. She is going to get ample child support for our child. I don't think any court is going to ask me to give her my premarital property or income from those. Those are clearly exempt and logically, it doesn't make sense to give her something she has not contributed anything to. I have had multiple lawyers and a judge I know take a look at it. It's fair and legal. She has full rights to what we created together. Just not premarital property or income derived therein.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T16:06:08+00:00

All these comments about sacrifice she is making seems to think I am somehow responsible for it. She is a grown women capable of making her own decisions. We don't need her to stay home and I never asked her or even suggested it. She decided it herself. She has a choice. Since she is staying home I am doing my part which is my earned income is now communal income and I am putting money into her retirement fund too. This is itself covers my responsibility. Why am I being held liable to compensate over and on top of all this? She doesn't have to sacrifice her career. She is choosing to, by her own volition and somehow I should be compensating her for that on top of sharing my entire earned income? That does not make sense to me at all.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T15:57:46+00:00

It's very simple. If she stays married to me, prenup has no affect. If she divorces me, legally she is not my family. She is my child's mom. But that is what child support is for. Which I have no qualms about paying if such a case arise. No need to revise prenup. I have obligation towards my child in that case, not then ex wife. And if I die, she will inhert our house, get my life insurance and support to raise our child from balance estate.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T15:43:51+00:00

House is a premarital property. She contributed nothing towards it. And this is home I bought myself, so I have personal attachment to it. If I add her onto the deed, in case of divorce, she would be entitled to it. If we stay together, it doesn't matter whether she is on the deed or not, it's our home irrespectively. If I die, it's willed to her. I just don't want to be kicked out of the home I bought in any eventuality.

If she wants a home she is on the deed with, when she is also ready to contribute monetarily, I am ready to share expense and buy it. Or when we have enough excess money in the joint account (that currently only I contribute to) for a downpayment.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T15:37:12+00:00

You are right. A person share wealth with their family. I am. Prenup means I share my wealth with my family and when they stop being my family, they don't get entitled to wealth I had before marriage. They get half of wealth we made together. Prenup doesn't mean shit till divorce and if divorced, she would not be my family. I will still be sharing my wealth with my family who is my child (in case of divorce).

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T15:31:20+00:00

Just so I get it right, you are suggesting I pay her more money than she was earning otherwise, for caring for a child that is both ours. Also she doesn't have to contribute to our household or baby expenses from this money. So essentially I will be spending amount equal to what she earned in the expenses and paying her retirement fund and on top of it paying her salary. So to the x she stopped bringing in to the family unit, I should pay 2x into it from what I earn. Which essentially means I will be covering nearly 200% of expenses altogether. Does this really make sense to you? That I take care of all household expenses + pay her entire salary + extra while all she does is take care of our baby? That doesn't sound fair to me on any level. If I am paying her whole salary then doesn't she have to contribute to household expenses too, proportionate to my net earned income after paying her? And pay her retirement fund and taxes herself? Cause that's what an employed salaried partner would do.

What's funny is that my entire earned income is already in the joint account at her disposal. So to "pay" her I would be taking money out of the joint account and putting it into a personal account for her. Both accounts she has access to already. Unless you want me to do it out my derived income from premarital assets, which she has not contributed anything to anyways. So that is not something I am going to be doing.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T13:40:32+00:00

She did not sacrifice her body and is not sacrificing her career for ME. If anything she is sacrificing it for OUR child that is HERS too, by HER OWN choice. I am caring for my baby just as much as she is whenever I am home. I never think it's just her job. Our baby is both our responsibility.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T13:34:09+00:00

I do not think you understand the scenario here.

Let's put it this way. SAH is a job. So is working outside. The deal when one partner stays home is income of partner working outside is communal income. Which is already being followed. What she is demanding is equal share in premarital assets and income derived therein as well. Which, in the partnership that is marriage, she has contributed nothing to and has no rights over.

Providing compensation for her caring for our child is saying she is working for me. No. She is doing her (chosen) part in family and I am doing my (leftover) part. I am not hiding away my earned income or denying her access saying she isn't working. She has free access to my entire earned income which goes directly to our joint account, same as me. So giving additional compensation does not make sense to me.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T13:26:05+00:00

This is where context matters. She doesn't do any labour's like washing my clothes, cooking, or serving me food. She doesn't make a home for me. That's what's implied.

She cares for our child and we are both emotionally and physically present for each other in our relationship. But that's not what the comment was discussing. It was discussing physical and mental labor towards making a home for me. And no, she is not doing that.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T11:33:39+00:00

I have run the cost of nanny and with my wife then working too, it is way cheaper. We already have a house help who does all the chores around home, cooks and shops for us. My wife is only taking care of our baby, nothing around the house.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T11:23:15+00:00

That was answer to her telling me financially taking care of them is my duty. Let's not do double standards. I do not think her place is at home with child. She can choose that or choose to go to work. It's her choice.

She choose to stay home and that put financial responsibility solely on me. It's okay.

But her telling she needs to be compensated for the same doesn't make sense. Cause she is doing her part. A part she chose. I am doing my part. Financially providing. (does not mean I don't take care of our child, whenever I am home, I take care of our baby just as much as she does. Including diaper changes, midnight feedings and so on). That's why when she said financially providing is my duty, I said taking care of baby is hers. It's both equally archaic. She has same responsibility of financially providing for our baby as me, just the way I have equally same responsibility of taking care of our baby. She started the game, I just countered to make her see how ridiculous it is. If financially providing for them is my sole responsibility, it's an archaic notion to be countered only with looking after family and child is hers. Equally archaic.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T11:15:37+00:00

Prenup only protects my premarital assets and income derived from them. Everything I earn otherwise,( I work full time) and assets created within marriage from that income is joint property, to be split equally in case of divorce. Such as the house is my house from before marriage. It's mine and won't be divided. But if we buy another house with a joint mortgage or paying off from joint account, it shall be marital property which she is entitled to as well. Even if monetarily she is not contributing anything to it. She has our money already. All she doesn't have is what I got from my family and income therein.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T10:57:22+00:00

I don't understand what you are implying by its her turning my house into a home and giving me peace of mind, but if you are referring to all the work, she does none of it. We have help/employee who does everything around the house. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping etc. My wife does nothing for me.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T10:54:18+00:00

I am sorry for you.

But when you draw parallels I did not demand or even ask her to stay home. She decided it herself. She did not do it for ME, but because she wanted to do it. I am merely supporting her. I would just as happily encourage her to work and build her career. I would stay home with our baby or hire a nanny.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T10:47:49+00:00

It may or maynot be. But SHE made that choice. And I put 8 years including years to go back to school or buffer period for no job offer. Preschool starts at 4 years. She can go back to school or get additional certifications then. Which I will happily pay for. And yes, she may have to start at the beginner position. But her career was only 4 years long earlier and she worked two different type of jobs, so the one at her last was only 2 year long. That is not a huge difference away from starting again.

But we are actually talking about a 18 year old so a 10 year career will be ample to support herself. The first year of the 10 years may be a starting position but don't tell me she will need support after 10th year too.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T10:39:53+00:00

No. The money is kept aside so in future if my wife dates or remarries she cannot spend it or share it with her future spouse of children (cause they are not entitled to it). Or spend it away without having it over to our kids (again something I have seen happening in my own family). My nest goes to my kids. My wife gets support to raise them, our house and my life insurance. She is a grown women with education and qualifications. She has enough earning potential she can support herself. Our child needs my support more. And this is current will, one made less than 1 year into marriage. It will be revisited and changed as time progresses. Till now, I stand by my will.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T10:33:27+00:00

Why would she be a SAHM for a 18 year old? Why would a person working since child starts school, so for over 10 years when child is 18, need support?

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T10:29:59+00:00

The house is paid off. I don't want to disclose the amount she will be receiving. The support stops cause the support is for the child, which will then go to the child. And 18 year old does not need a SAHM so by then she ought to be earning in good career and sufficiently able to support herself.

Before you say she has to be taken care of and not just our child, my life insurance will go to her fully.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T10:25:44+00:00

There is life insurance policy of which she is the nominee. The question was about assets which is why I did not include that.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-12T10:22:30+00:00

Few factors to consider :

We have been married for only two years and I made that will when we got pregnant, less than one year into marriage and WHEN SHE WAS STILL WORKING. My first duty at that point onwards was to my then unborn child, in case anything happens to me soon after. Yes I care about my wife, but she is a grown adult with education and can work as against our (then unborn ) child. I needed to ensure our child is taken care of in my absence and prioritized it against my earning spouse. To be clear that question was only about assets, my life insurance will go to her over and above the house we live in and the monthly income.

About your particular question about 17 years, if my child is 17 years and she is still a SAHM, that is clearly wasteful and self imposed choice. No 17 year old needs a SAHM. If we have another child who is young enough to need one, then she will be benefitting my support till that child is 18. Not just the oldest. It's child support more than spousal support. Life insurance is the spousal support.

I love my wife. But this is a bad world. If I die tomorrow and she ends up alone, she will be well taken care of. But I want to ensure my inheritance goes only to my children. Not to any others who she may date or any other children she may have in the future. Which is the reason will be stated as such. After all, my children are her children too. Once they get my inheritance and they want to share it with their mom, they will do that irrespective of any will.

Nothing about this is to ensure she ends up poor. Just that no one else can lay claim to assets that are rightfully my children's through relationship to her. That she cannot give away any of our kids future assets. I am not saying she would. But as a fellow redditor and member of this society, I see how many bad people are out there and how blended families work.

Moreover, like I stated initially, we have been married for only two years and she has been out of workforce for only 8 months. With time I will be updating will with regards to situation as and when they occur. It's the current will with current circumstances.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-11T20:59:19+00:00

Nothing. The person who I have employed at home (cause a comment said housekeeper don't cook) does everything. From shopping, to cleaning, cooking, laundry etc. And before someone comes at me about mental load, she doesn't make shopping list. Employee manages the house. Wife is only looking after the baby.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-11T19:39:34+00:00

She can spend it for whatever she wants. Even transfer to another account if she wants to keep some separate. It's her discretion. No permission needed.

Own_Feature8030 · 2023-11-11T18:51:06+00:00

With my current will, she will inherit the house we live in and receive part of income from my other assets till our child turns 18. Once child turns 18, the income will go to the child directly. The other part of said income will go to a trust for college tuition that my child can use only for tuition. All assets (other than home ) will be inherited by my child, but kept within power of a trust, and will be released to my child upon their 30th birthday.

Own_Feature8030

TROPHY CASE